Wednesday, June 14

noone nowhere

Last night I lay in my bed, about to sleep, when Andreas struck my mind. Inpreventable, I started crying. I remember when crying was a big deal to me. Back then, I would get out of bed or out of my chair to look myself in the closet. The red, wet eyes, the tears, the tightened chin and the croocked eyebrows. I liked it, and it made me cry even more. Now, my facial expression isn't exciting any longer. Crying is as normal to me as washing my hands after I've been to the toilet. I hardly try to stop it. When I cry, I just lie there, sit there, stand there, wherever I am, whoever is around, and I just cry. I know the tears will come sooner or later anyways, I know there's no use in stopping them. Whether I'm talking to Kasper in front of the supermarket, or if I'm lying in my bed trying to sleep on a hot summer night. I was listening to U2's "One". All of a sudden, the whole song was about Andreas. I saw him in every word.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life
It's one need in the night
One love, get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Cos if we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask for me to enter
but then you make me crawl
And I can't keep holding on
To what you got
Cos all you got is hurt

It has now become a song I cry to. As well as "A whole new world", which is Peter to me. "Sometimes you can't make it on your own", which is my very own song. Andreas has now officially put his foot in everything I love.

I saw Kasper, his big brother, in Aldi. I saw him, and I just froze. My heart raced and I forgot everything I had meant to purchase. When I left the store, he went with me. I was on cloud 9 with him. I told him that I had started at a psychologist. He asked why, and I could only answer "Your littlebrother". I started crying. Infront of Kasper-- whom I haven't seen in a year, except for when being very drunk. I really care for him, and not even in front of him, can I mention Andreas without crying. He told me that Andreas didn't hate me, and didn't mind being in the same room as me. I cried even more. I hugged Kasper goodbye. I was happy the next many days.

It's going well at the psychologist though. She's getting to know me better. I still haven't told her how serious I am about Andreas. How much he means to me. She did ask me why he was so fantastic, though. I didn't know, I don't know. It's not as much him, as it's the way he makes me feel. The way he made me feel. We talk about my past, my family and my Christian. It's all very breathtaking.

I'm tired of thinking about him all the time. I'm tired of crying. I cry over the loss of Andreas as a friend, the same way I would, if I lost a brother to death. Although this dead brother just keeps coming back to remind me that he's dead. YOU GAVE ME NOTHING, NOW IT'S ALL I GOT! WE'RE ONE BUT WE'RE NOT THE SAME, IF WE HURT EACH OTHER, THEN WE DO IT AGAIN, LOVE IS A TEMPLE, LOVE IS A HIGHER LOW, YOU ASK FOR ME TO ENTER, BUT THEN YOU MAKE ME CRAWL, I CANT KEEP HOLDING ON, TO WHAT YOU GOT, WHEN ALL YOU GOT IS HURT...

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