Wednesday, May 17

you gave me nothing, now it's all that i got

So, I cry very often. Often at night, because that is where the majority of the depression sets in. I cry during movies, during talks over MSN, during walks with Christian. Everything that has to do with me thinking about me, causes me to cry. The next time I cry, I'll cut my leg. Nothing big, just a scratch. Perhaps get a scar, something to remind me. Cause I need to pay, I need to suffer. I need to pay for what I have done to Christian. I am afraid, that if I don't do this, the pain will continue and I will never get redemption. I still ache from it, from that, and from the loss of Andreas, the mailing back and forward, from Peter, from school and at last, from the lack of self-esteem, which has returned.
I have never felt as bad about myself as I do now. I can say things about myself; I'm stupid, foolish, disgusting, bad, idiotic, superficial, ugly and fat.
I used to say those things out loud, knowing deep inside that people thought differently. Now I believe in them, I can feel it.

Wish me luck.

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