Thursday, May 4

feelings of spontanious rage

When you don't post that much in your diary, a lot of things can happen inbetween posts. And a lot of things have happened, especially with Diva. Since he shouted at me in the bus, we haven't talked. I've cried, of course, but I haven't tried to unite us again.

Thursday 13th april, Christian had his birthday party. Kasper was there, Johan and Nikolas, it was all perfect and hillarious. I got drunk almost immediately, because of Nikolas' drinking game. I haven't been that drunk since the time at the christmas lunch in the cabin in December. Anyways, I remember sitting in Christian's bedroom, playing with my mobile, calling and writing people. I remember that I wrote fault-free. I remember I wrote Peter, I don't remember what.
The night ended late and I went to bed with Christian, praying not to get hangovers the next morning (useless prayer, by the way). I forgot about the Peter-thing - it really had no relevance at all, and Christian wouldn't exactly feel any better about it. Besides, I hardly remembered what I'd written.

A couple of days later, things couldn't be better with Christian and I. We'd even started having sex again, with naughty underwear and my confidence was almost building up again. Everything was great, although I had the feeling it wasn't permanent. And how right I was. One day, Diva visited Christian and soon enough 'Christian had something to talk to me about'. Diva had told him that I'd texted Peter that night. Nothing can describe how I felt that moment. It was a mixture of strong anger, frustration, rage, sadness, guilt and hopelessness. Plus, I felt so fucked by everyone. 1) Christian who bought Diva's crap 2) Peter, who've told Diva and 3) Diva for being such a little slut.
We got through it. We stopped having sex for a bit. Two weeks later, things were okay again. We dealt with it.

And then... I came home to meet with Christian after a trip to the movies with some girls from my class. I was happy to see Christian, I was almost surprised of how much I'd missed him. And then it felt like some little bitch named Andreas punched me in the stomach- again. Now, Diva had told Christian what was in 2 of those messages. It's probably true that it was there, but still, I can't be 100% sure. The context doesn't matter, I think.
Christian confronted me, and that was when I felt 100 times worse than I had the prior time he'd told him about those messages. I started yelling and acting up, yellings things like "Who the hell defines what's relevant?! You want to know everything about the night I fucked up? For how long, where, which positions, if it was good, did I scream, how big was he?! I'll tell you every fucking detail if that means that little bitch will leave us fucking alone!" I was crying and all emotions collapsed inside of me. Christian then said that it was important to him that nothing was being kept a secret... Then I suddenly remembered.
I was surprised to feel a smile on my lips. I told Christian about the kisses Andreas and me had had. I told him that Andreas had been in love with me for 3-4 months. I told him that Andreas was the person I'd cheated on Peter with. I can laugh by the thought.
Diva told me never to tell Christian that. And I told him he'd always be my best friend. Oh well, promises never do last, do they?
Christian didn't know how to react and I cried myself to sleep that night. Plus many, many nights ahead. I even did so last night.

Today, at this moment, Christian is confronting Diva. I can't wait to hear about it. Yeah so it might come back to bite me in the ass, but Diva will probably give up, now she realises that she has compentition and that I won't just give up.

On another track, Mette is coming tomorrow. I trust it oh so much, and I don't even want to doubt her this time. I have to clean up my room tonight, make plans and think about how to get money for a present for her. She'll stay here till Sunday. It's her birthday. I can't wait.
Looks like my life's almost good?

Comments on "feelings of spontanious rage"


Anonymous Spooky Cookie said ... (17:56) : 

your life's certainly exciting o.o
I hope Diva finally lets you two rest in peace.
Got all your mobile messages btw. If you need help with anything German related or sth to be corrected just e-mail it to me or talk to me in msn :)


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