Thursday, May 18

diagnoses: suicidal

"Uhm. I've just been very very sad, for a very very long time." I said, and my voice was deep, as it usually is, when I'm holding back a cry, "And then I..." I showed her my wrist and didn't feel I needed to explain. They're not big bloody crusts, but they make their point. They are my ticket out of this mind. Once people start believing in me, I may get the power back I've lost. The confidence. Maybe mum will even start noticing me again? Oh mummy, don't pick a favourite again. I don't need the fact in writing, the silence between us says it all.
The doctor gave me an appointment Tuesday 30th, 14.45. She asked me if I was certain it could wait for so long. I nodded, "It has too, I have no other choice." I answered. I didn't want her to feel guilty. She wrote a long piece of text to the doctor, I'm going to see. I'm sure the word 'suicidal' was in it. I didn't use the word 'depression', as Christian once told me that it was not what I had, and people with depression had it much, much worse. Action speak louder than words, I figure.

I am nervous about Christians reaction. I'm afraid he'll do something drastic, in respond to the word suicide in our relationsship. His father committed suicide. It's a too big of a subject for him to decide to forgive&forget. I don't want to lie to him. Isn't he bits of the reason I did this?
I'll just hide them, I won't have to lie, and I won't have to admit to it.

It hurt. But not on the inside. I caught myself smiling, as the blade of the scissor went in. It stained when the blood was to be seen. I actually laughed. It struck me; I had become one of those. The stupid teenage girls, whom I've always badmouthed, because I thought they were silly and just seeking attention. All of a sudden, my eyes have opened and I suddenly feel for most of them. I do it to seek attention as well, I don't do it to die. If I was to die, it would probably be the cause of me crossing the road without looking first. I've begun to do that as well. Just not look, when I cross the road. Not being afraid of walking past a gang. Not caring having the CD player playin in the bathroom, while I take a shower. No one ever told me directly not to play with water & electricity. If I die, it will be from accident. Not from suicide. I will not commit suicide.

Most of my words are silly, and so are my actions. But it says a bit out me, doesn't it?

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