Saturday, May 27

the bad taste of recognition

I went to the psychiatric hospital, by request of the doctor. I almost got admitted, but was let go, as I promised I wouldn't do it again, you know, cut myself. I told my mum. She told my dad.

She'll call a psychologist on monday and I'll start as soon as possible.

So I'm crazy. I might be. Low self-esteem doesn't just clear up like that.

I chatted to my mum last night, and came upon a very, very scary discovery. I told her about some of the stressful things there were to being with Christian. The guilt I felt, the way I felt I owed him so much, but gave him so little. My mother's eyes were wide open and she asked me where I recognised that from. It hit me. My grandfather. My grandfather is allegedly the reason to all the bad things I have inside of me today. He is evil. It turns out that I have actually seeked comfort in the one person who reminds me of my grandfather. In Christian. This is terrifying. You see, with Christian I always feel guilty. Even if I do something good for him, I somehow feel guilty. I'm always in debt. Of course this is not something that Christian does on purpose. Christian has a very low self-esteem and is trying to get it up, by doing big things for me. By saying "sorry" all the time, by walking me home, by doing me favours, buying me gifts and by forgiving me, he feels like the bigger person and that makes him feel like he's worth more. He just doesn't see that the bigger he feels, the smaller I feel.

Him reminding me of the devil in my life has really stirred my emotions up. I'm very, very puzzled and it hurts inside. Am I really in love with this guy? Can I live with another one of my grandfather? If I let go of Christian, will I just end up with another one like him? Am I really strong enough to break this pattern? What am I to do?

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