Saturday, April 8

judas' gospel & 1/16th gipsy

It's been a while since I had Judas and Lucy. They're my two new little degus, a mixture between a squirrel, hamster, chinchilla and a rat. They're curious and not scared at all, but they have their precautions. They love to run in their little wheel, to build nests and to kill nuts. Oh, and they love to mate.
I had them the day after I decided that I wanted them. I'd wanted a rat 3 days prior, but I couldn't get one of those.
I work like that. Spontaniously. When I want something, or when I find out that I want something, I want it to be mine immediately. All of a sudden, I don't see how I could possibly have lived without it. It was like that with Judas and Lucy. It's like that with my father's last name--

I spoke to my dad yesterday. He's always been there for me, in the background. Like a ressurection that I didn't come from an orphanage or that the stork didn't bring me. I've never expected, wanted anything from him until now. We spoke last night, about our family. Where we came from, and how he got his last name. I don't have his last name, I only have my mother's. He then said that his father had once bought a bible. A huge bible with both testaments in it. It was the family bible. His father had passed it on to him, in it, he had written a small passage about himself. My father would then write some in it about himself - and then pass it on.
... To Tobias, my older brother, who was married into the family.
My family, on my father's side, have gipsies blood in us. We have dark eyes, dark hair. A special kind of warmth and moral. Tobias, whos mother married my father when Tobias was only 7, has red hair, blue eyes and freckles. But that doesn't matter, apparently, because he has my father's last name. So he gets the family bible. The minute he told me this, I had tears in my eyes. I don't really understand how this can affect me so much.
Maybe it's my father's way of telling me that I'm only his daughter by blood? Or his punishment towards me for not carrying his name. Either way, I cared about it. I wanted the family bible. Hell, I've even considered dropping this anti-christian way of leading myself and becoming a christian.
I've searched into the possibilities. It's do-able for me to get his name added to mine. I'm proud of the name, that I don't carry. I'm proud of the history and I look up to my father as was he God. It would be an honour to carry that name. I want to speak to my brother about it. After all, if it means the world to him - or nothing to him - this case will have a different view. I'll see.
I don't know why my identity suddenly have this huge impact on me.

Friday, April 7

love, actually, is..

I've fallen in love with Christian again. but then again, I've fallen in love with everyone.

I saw Leah today. This time, I didn't run away, hid in a store or covered my face. I guess you could say that I faced up to her-- as I didn't have a choice, she was walking right towards me, next beside Amalie. We hugged, did a chit-chat and said bye again. The re-union wasn't just between old friends, it was between my old school - my old me - and the new school and the new me. When I saw Leah, I didn't gasp or sweat or bite my lip. There wasn't those feelings. She was beautiful, though. Maybe that is why?

Christina, on the other hand, almost annoyed me. I guess it's the people around her I detest. The girls in the corner. The corner-girls. I really don't like them. It's awful when you see people who thinks the solar system is made for and because of them, that the world revolves around them and that the sun only shines, cause they want it to. It's awful to sit in the shadow that they created.
Christina isn't like that, I'm perfectly aware of that. Yet; it strikes me that she sits with these people who goes against everything I feel is wrong in my stomach. And she likes the company. She's standing in their light-- and who in the light would go with someone in the shadow?
Feelings. It's difficult. Sometimes I can feel my stomach crumble when I look at her, and sometimes she's just a red-head with a great smile. I'm afraid, that if I get to know her better, I'll fall in love for good. Or maybe I'm afraid that I won't.
The feelings, though, are the good feelings. I don't suffer from it, as I know for certain that we will never happen. I just take my feelings as a sign that I'm bisexual - or a lesbian - and that's a sign of individuality and personality. And I like that.
In that matter, if the Corner-girls think they're special because they have the guts to talk without putting their hand up first (aka. respecting other people) I shouldn't care. I have to guts to admit I can fall in love with girls. I'm sure they wouldn't.

Andreas has been re-named. Andreas is the name of the old Andreas, the Andreas I cared for, loved, wanted everything good for, because he actually deserved it. Now he's Diva. Diva; as he is. Diva is the italian and latin word for "goddess". Used in Hollywood as describing superstars who act as if they were goddesses. Hence, the name for Andreas.
I saw Diva today. We're doing fine now - at completely ignoring each other. It's easy, really, I just have to look at him as if he was any other guy or girl at the school. As in, I know he's there, but I shouldn't care, unless he's in my way.
Diva is ignoring me aswell. He has been ever since I wrote him a message. I wrote to him, tuesday night, that I was crying myself to sleep again, because of what he said in the bus. I said that from now on, I wouldn't let him mean so much to me, because he didn't act like it. and I told him that from now on I wanted him to just look at me like "Christian's girlfriend" and nothing more. To me, he'd be "my boyfriend's friend". I haven't heard from him since.
Sad? Yeah. And I have cried over it too. A lot. More than he deserves. But it had to be done. I'll let it be the end of it.

Wednesday, April 5

months n months

Life's been pretty lousy since March 6th when I did the last file in on my life. It's been a month since the crisis with Christian, since I was really bad and since I wrecked the good part of being in a relationsship.

I haven't had sex with Christian in over a month. I can't get turned on by him. I look at him and - well, there goes nothing. I can tease - and I do. I just can't sleep with him. It's getting better, though. I just have to get used to the situation, I just have to feel the lack of closeness. Hell, I don't know what I need. My self esteem has dropped majorly since. I've cried in average 7 times a week, most times, it's several times a day.

The pain was disappearing, or at least, fading, till thursday when Andreas decided to give me a shout in the bus. He reminded me using hard words, what a bitch I was and that I'd done something wrong, etc. etc., just what a great disappointment I was and well, you know. Truths. I was a wreck. I cried in the bus; when I came home, when I went to sleep.
Today he came up to me as if nothing had happened. I hate him so, right now. The ignorance, it's disgusting.

My easter vacation is coming up and it's full of plans already.
April 8th; I'm bringing Laura to the train-- she's going to Fyn to be with my grandmother and Ib. On april 9th, Ghadir is throwing something for Hulya, a party of some kind. I'm guessing I'll have to leave early. It sounds majorly boring. April 10th, it's Christian's birthday. Don't ask what I'll get him, I'm in two minds about that. April 11th I'll go to Field's with Rikke. Finally, I got her away from Roskilde. I hate that city. April 12th, Naja is throwing a little something. I wonder if Mette comes? On April 13th, Christian is throwing a birthday party. Andreas will be there and I won't care. I've been told that I could invite 4 friends. I've invited Christina, Cennet and Annia. Cennet couldn't come, and I'm keeping one spot open in case Mette comes over. I doubt it though. April 14th, I plan on having hangovers. April 15th, Meggie is throwing her birthday party. I'm very nervous about that. 16th, hangovers, I hope. And on the 17th, Linda will arrive at the airport and I'm there to pick her up. I can't wait, she's my angel.

My head hurts, just by thinking of all of this. I made a new friend, though, Jesper. And I've fallen in love again with Christian, I really love him. My school is shit, on the other hand. Yawn, even.