Saturday, March 4

my indifference

He rings the doorbell but once. I get the door before my mum even registers that she should get up. I let him in, apologising for not being 'all dressed up' although I've spent ½ hour cleaning the room, several cls of perfume and a lot of effort trying to place the dildo so that it can be seen if you look close enough, the lingerie drawer partly open, with the cutest thong hanging out and my straight A paper hanging losely on the wall. Not to forget my intelligense. He looks around my room, trying to place me in these surroundings. It's still new. He doesn't know me anylonger. He says, "you've changed a lot in here". Yes I did and I needed the change. He sits down on my bed and now it's time for me to explain myself, why I did what I did the other night in the movie theater. I turn on the music, but not too loud, he still has to keep his focus on me. I cross my legs and sit down, facing him. He's beautiful. I start by telling him that I only found it fair to tell him this. That the reason why I held his hand and went closer, was that I loved it. It had me turned on.
He looks at me with his brown eyes. I read from his eyes this; fuck you, fuck you Sofie. You screwed me once, you can't do it again. I got a wall around me. I'm safe here. I'm the master, you're the slave this time. You're gonna have to do better than that.
I have never been this turned on. He shrugs and says okay. I take his hand. Feel me! Need me! I pretend to be sorry, though I know that within me rests evil. I bite my bottom lip. "How can we possible be friends?" I ask, "When I'm constantly fearing that I'll hurt you again."
"Then don't." he answers, quickly, like he doesn't have a doubt in his mind. I sigh.
"I can't help myself."
He giggles, superior to me. He lets go of my hand. I take his again. Explain how he had 'seduced' me in the movie theater. How he used his force. Made me touch him. I explained how I couldn't stand for that. He touches my thigh, challenging me. I take his hand. He doesn't hesitate when he moves closer, this time I don't have a say in anything. He just kisses me, his lips demanding mine. I'm in shock and wants to push him away, but I know deep inside that I can't. I wouldn't be allowed to.

This of course, has never taken place. Sometimes, I oughta just let go of my thoughts. Peter is coming over in a bit. I wonder if Christian is getting it on with some girls tonight?

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