Monday, March 6

treacherous bitch, he said

Remember the Friends-episode where Ross continuesly shouts "We were on a break!!!" because he slept with another woman while being on a break with Rachel? Well, guess what, in the real world, people don't laugh in the background and tears are actually coming, whether you like it or not. and the scene doesn't end when the lights go out.

The hardest thing, when I told Christian that I had actually cheated on him with my exboyfriend. that I'd went all the way. The hardest thing was making myself believe I regretted it. I have no conscience. I'll try to develope one, plus some dignity.

As it went today, I'd say I have every excuse to give up. I won't, though. I asked Peter how much Andreas knew, as I suddenly remembered that if Andreas found out more than Christian already knew about the whole situation (thought that we'd only kissed) he'd probably let him know, and I couldn't do that to Christian. As I'd feared, Peter told me that he'd told Andreas that we had had sex. I wrote Andreas, asked if he'd tell. He said no. But that I should've left his friends alone and that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I lost my friend, there.

I then rang up Christian. Told him. He was furious. Later, he came to my place, shouted at me, quoted the bible. He decided not to break up, although I adviced him to- I don't deserve him and I really really felt like I needed to be punished. He left, leaving me to be his grieving girlfriend. Before he left, he forbad me to ever see Peter again. He said he'd been lucky that he was still breathing.

I went to tell Peter I was sorry for all the mess and that I unfortunately needed to cut contact again. It turned out to be Peter, who was the only one being truly there for me. He really put himself on the line. He told me that he did care about me and that he'd missed me. Stuff I never, ever had thought of him because of the things Andreas passed on about his personality. He was sad that we had to say goodbye again. He told me that I could always call, no matter what. If I needed it. I can't describe how glad I was to hear it. It made me happy again.

So, life's shit. I get the feeling it will all go back to normal. Maybe even soon?

Sunday, March 5

tragi-comic

It's like seeing a guy die by falling in a weird and funny way. You can't help but laugh, even though it's so tragic. This time, I can't help but to laugh either. This whole weekend has gone ahead of itself, with all the rules, freedome and then no freedome at all, if you consider my conscience.

Everything I wrote last night, in the previous post, did happen. And then. After he'd kissed me, dragged me to the bed, he'd touch me. Demanding me. The walls were closing in on me, and I had a choice. Either make him go away, or go away with him. We went.
We took the bus to Ballerup, with every intention on going to a discoteque to get very drunk. I needed it. In the train, we decided to drive further. To the end station, where we would just take the train back again. He started touching me there. He wouldn't let me touch him there, because he wasn't at all turned on. Fuck-you-attitude. In return, I was dripping on the seats. We sat in the train, my legs parted as much as possible, the one leg up upon the seat the other up in the air. He fingered me. We used to call him Fingers. He didn't care. Fuck-you-attitude. A couple was looking at us in the train. They were young. We didn't care. The part of my body I used to think of as the most precious part, was now exposed to anyone who bothered to look. And he didn't care. Fuck-you-attitude. We took a cap home, and I could tell how upset he was that he'd spent so many money on me. I wasn't worth it. Fuck-you-attitude. I asked him, at one point, "Are you doing this just to get some, or just to get some with me?" He answered me back, "Just to get some."
Fuck-You-Attitude, with capital letters. We went to my place, or well, not exactly. We went to the bicycle-shed. I went down on him. He fucked me. I had the fuck-me-attitude.
He couldn't come, as it was too cold. I refused to do it at my place. It would come too close. I said goodbye. He wasn't as big as I recall.
He went home, I wrote him that if Andreas and/or Christian should know, to them, we had only kissed. Relationsship-free weekend.
Due to Relationsship-free weekend, it's only allowed to kiss. Not go all the way.
I called Christian and told him that I'd kissed Peter. He was very upset. He said that at the Lanciers-party he'd tried to kiss a lot of girls, he'd danced with A LOT and it had all opened his eyes. That there were other girls in the world. That made me laugh and cry at the same time. I realised what I'd done by this whole thing. I wanted it all to end. It wasn't worth it, by the end of the day. Had I not Christian to come home to, I'd have nothing. Yes, it feels FUCKING GREAT to be used as Peter did me, but it feels outstanding to be loved, the way Christian loves me. We'll take it from here...

Saturday, March 4

my indifference

He rings the doorbell but once. I get the door before my mum even registers that she should get up. I let him in, apologising for not being 'all dressed up' although I've spent ½ hour cleaning the room, several cls of perfume and a lot of effort trying to place the dildo so that it can be seen if you look close enough, the lingerie drawer partly open, with the cutest thong hanging out and my straight A paper hanging losely on the wall. Not to forget my intelligense. He looks around my room, trying to place me in these surroundings. It's still new. He doesn't know me anylonger. He says, "you've changed a lot in here". Yes I did and I needed the change. He sits down on my bed and now it's time for me to explain myself, why I did what I did the other night in the movie theater. I turn on the music, but not too loud, he still has to keep his focus on me. I cross my legs and sit down, facing him. He's beautiful. I start by telling him that I only found it fair to tell him this. That the reason why I held his hand and went closer, was that I loved it. It had me turned on.
He looks at me with his brown eyes. I read from his eyes this; fuck you, fuck you Sofie. You screwed me once, you can't do it again. I got a wall around me. I'm safe here. I'm the master, you're the slave this time. You're gonna have to do better than that.
I have never been this turned on. He shrugs and says okay. I take his hand. Feel me! Need me! I pretend to be sorry, though I know that within me rests evil. I bite my bottom lip. "How can we possible be friends?" I ask, "When I'm constantly fearing that I'll hurt you again."
"Then don't." he answers, quickly, like he doesn't have a doubt in his mind. I sigh.
"I can't help myself."
He giggles, superior to me. He lets go of my hand. I take his again. Explain how he had 'seduced' me in the movie theater. How he used his force. Made me touch him. I explained how I couldn't stand for that. He touches my thigh, challenging me. I take his hand. He doesn't hesitate when he moves closer, this time I don't have a say in anything. He just kisses me, his lips demanding mine. I'm in shock and wants to push him away, but I know deep inside that I can't. I wouldn't be allowed to.

This of course, has never taken place. Sometimes, I oughta just let go of my thoughts. Peter is coming over in a bit. I wonder if Christian is getting it on with some girls tonight?

2l bacardi and 8 shots hot n'sweet later

This is me being a great friend. A fucking fantasicamazincredible friend!

First of all, Christian and I settled on a "relationsship-free" weekend, where we could do whatever we wanted to do. So there was the party...

I had it going on. I was really getting good drunk, I had had a great time at the warm up party, I was ready to be with Thor and I wanted to badly. I needed to badly. Even Andreas was smiling and nice to me. I was dancing on the dancefloor with Brunk, Karoline, Cennet and Sarah, and I was just waiting to have the night of my life. I went to get a beer with Sarah and once I'd bought it, I turned around and there was Andreas. He was sulking over his mobile. I asked him what was wrong. Apparently, this little slut Sie, whom he's had a crush on for a while, has got back together with her x. He was sad. We went outside and Rasmus from my class came over. He was so friendly and I really really like him. Oohhh and so goodlooking. I said to him that I'd talk to him later, like a go-away. Anyways, Andreas wanted to go home. He was nearly crying.
I said I'd walk him home.
In the wardrobe, Nick and Thor came. Goodlooking. I gave them both hugs and told them I had to go- as my best friend didn't feel so good. They were pretty disappointed.

Before we left, I gave Thor a great kiss on his neck. An apology-kiss.

Andreas and I walked home. I gave him my coat, as he was freezing. I froze. Wore a skirt. It took us two hours, if not more. At the end we got into a fight about the whole Peter thing. About me hurting everyone. About him not caring.

We parted by the stairs.

Friday, March 3

once a whore

It's been three days ago today, I called Christian and told him we needed a break. The lust for freedom was incredible, and because of the huge tension I'd felt (he'd felt nothing) I'd done some things I regretted. Nothing really bad, but I'd fantasised about guys, sexy chatted to them. I thought it needed to stop immediately. So I called him. The thing is, the chemistry between Christian and I seems gone. I cried on the phone, I tried to explain it. I really really tried to explain it to him, that I needed freedom and it was fatal.

I have 2 sides to me. The one side loves Christian. The same side would never lose him, cheat on him, even consider either of these. The other side of me, doesn't have feelings for Christian. It desperately wants to try new things, as for example kiss on other guys at the school party tonight. That side would prefer that I broke up with Christian. Right now, the two sides are taking turns showing themselves to me.

So last night became the breaking point.

I went with Peter and Andreas to the great mall in Lyngby. It was the first time I was really together with them since 8-9 months ago. And oh my god, I had missed them so. It was unbelievable. I just stood there with them, constantly smiling. I felt like hugging them every minute. I could tell that they were "over" me, but I really couldn't feel anything but happiness. At that point I thought to myself that I could never let them disappear out of my life again. Anyways, when the guys had done their shopping, we went to Sunset to have something to eat. I didn't have any money so Andreas paid. They were both in their designer slashed jeans, white anonymous t-shirts and their black blazers. They were both ultimately good looking.
Peter then asked if we should go see a movie. He'd pay. We did. For a moment, I almost forgot what movie we saw.
I sat down in between them. The lights went out and that's when I lost it.
I slipped over the armrest and touched Peter's leg with one finger. We soon held hands. He challenged me, moving my hand closer to his crotch, and I liked it- I liked that he didn't really leave me a choice. For the first time in my life, I felt fucking good and conquered. So I did a little touch. I held his hand, touched his crotch. I held his hand. He slipped his hand over the armrest and held my thigh. Caressed, didn't ask questions, just did. I didn't like it- I loved it. So guilt came creeping up on me, I moved our hands and wrote him on my cellphone: "This is so wrong. I am sorry." He mouthed that it was okay. I knew it wasn't.
I whispered in his ear; "Once a whore..."
He shook his head. I shook mine.

Afterwards, I was up for anything. I'd blown it, I felt. Nothing mattered any longer and I just wanted to get really drunk. They could've made me do anything. We went to Peter's place, where the final drop hit the already crammed glass of water, and it burst. I told Andreas, when Peter wasn't there, that I'd made a mistake and it didn't matter with who. I explained him the problems with Christian and I. Peter came in, Andreas left. I apologised. He sat close to me, I recall, his legs blended with mine. I said I was sorry. I said it again, again and again. He said he was confused. I said I was a whore. Andreas came in, demanding I told him who I'd been a bad girl with.
I told him. Everything was told. I bared myself for the two guys who meant more to me than anything in the world. The feelings were overwhelming. I had to really face up to the person I'd been. They said I wasn't a bad person, but I know I am. We came to the conclusion that I probably would break up with Christian. I would. Although it would be hard, it was only fair.
Especially cause I'd do it again.

I went home, and when I got home, I burst into tears. Everything ached inside of me, my head, my stomach, my chest. Earlier, Christian had written a message saying how bad he felt. That he'd been shaking for two days, hadn't slept or eaten. He just wanted to hear that I still loved him. But I most likely didn't.
I called him. At 3am I called him, crying. I told him everything I felt. How these two sides of me wanted two different things. and that the person he was talking to was the person who loved him more than anything on earth. The person who'd never cheat, who'd never be a bad person to him again. The other side would most likely appear at the party and I most likely would be with someone. I know how it sounds. It's not understandable until you're in the situation. I have no willpower and I am a slut.

I sobbed away for hours about everything. He wanted to give it a try. He said that I simply couldn't be with another.

For two days I've had a tiny flirt going with Thor from my class. Nothing special, I've simply just written him all the time, BEGGING him to come to the party. We're now calling each other "Sweetie" and "Beautiful". He can't prove that I'm not just having a laugh, that's why we don't really dig deep. But I think he'll be coming to the party... and I think he's gonna expect something. And I think I might give it to him, if it gets that far.

I told Christian that I couldn't promise anything. I said I'd try. I will. But I don't think I can. Depends who shows up at the party tonight- my one side or the other. Eitherway I'm a bad person. Bad, bad person. I wish I'd never met the guys. I've realised how much pain I've caused them both, and I realise how much I want to do it again and again and again. I still want to go to Peter's place, have a cuddle, kiss him. No feelings. But you can't do that. I can't do that. Not to Peter, not to Christian, not to myself.

I want to, though.