Tuesday, January 31

pornstar


Merete said this picture was pornographic. Even though I slammed a outtake from the dictionary in her face, she still claimed that her and her boyfriend found it pornographic. Does that make me a porn-star? As I STARred in a PORNographic picture? I think we agreed on calling it erotic instead.
I took the picture. With my left hand, while my other hand was clasped to Christian's stomach. We took onehundredandeight pictures. Both naked and in the bathroom. We never showed any 'inappropriate' skin, though. I love this picture. I plan on having it on print and putting it in a frame. I love it.

pride of denmark

[...]And tell the world if you love Havarti cheese, Lego toys, Georg Jensen designs, Tuborg and Carlsberg beer, Danish ham, and free cartooning.

Remember that Denmark was the only Nazi-occuppied European country that came out of World War Two with its moral reputation intact. The Danes just didn’t put up with Jews being sent to concentration camps. They smuggled them out to neutral Sweden.

Maybe Denmark will have the honor of being the first European country to stand against today’s Islamic fascism.

Two sides can play at this boycott game. Buy Danish!"

Someone gave me the link to a site, where they talk about the recent case between the middle east and Denmark. I am so aproud of what is written above, and I feel like I just have to post it. Never have I been more proud of my country and I hope this thing will leave Denmark with its dignity intact.

dr arthur agatson

I remember once, I was on the WeightWatchers program. I had to eat tons and tons of vegies, and at the end, I almost puked by the sight of carrots. Now, I'd die for a carrot. Or not just a carrot. A glass of milk! A bowl of pasta! A diet coke! Pudding! Chocolate milk, oh sweet chocolate milk.

Dr Arthur Agatson tells me not to, tho. He tells me not to consume the wrong fats and wrong carbs, and to completely lay of pasta, flour, sugar... well, you know, good stuff. I'm ready to lose weight. I weighed myself yesterday morning (monday morning, the worst.) and took measures. In a week, those numbers should be a lot smaller. I'm excited! I can't wait.

* I will be able to wear a bikini or a swimsuit to the beach this summer.
* I will get a better confidence. My sexlife will approve that way as well, as I won't be afraid of how I look.
* Guys will be looking at me, eyeing me and be more flirtatious.
* Christian will feel like a luckier guy.
* I'll be able to go shopping without having tears falling in the dressing room.
* I'll be a size L (or less) , maybe even a M (or less)
* I'll be able to buy normal jeans
* I can wear sleeve-less.
* I can buy bras normal places.
* I won't be looking at other girls, envying them.
* I'll be better in gym, because I know I look great.
* I won't sweat as much -> Will be able to ride my bike to school without looking like a sweating pig.
* People will tell me how great I look.
* Martinez will bawl his eyes out.
* Ghadir will say she's proud of me.
* Mum will say she's proud of me.
* I'll have achieved the one thing I still need to achieve.
* Hot sex with Leah won't sound so bad. Hehe.

I'll be adding more stuff to the list, as I think of them.

Monday, January 30

well then, have your milk

The middle east is upset, it's not feeling very well. Big, bad danes have made drawings of their prophet where he's portraited as a terroist. I'm not standing up for the images, it was somewhat a mistake. In Denmark we have something called LIBERTY OF SPEECH. If they don't like it, well, buu-huu. I do respect their religion, though. "War with God on their side" bullshit. They're now boycutting all Danish products, including Arla. Have your milk and oh right, "YOU'RE WELCOME!"

Friday was the party I've been postposting for so long. The party at Christian's school. I had 6 Barcardi's and 8 shots of Hot'n'Sweet. Needless to say, I was so drunk, I could barely walk. I wore my high heals though. We were Andreas, Christian, Red, Katrine, Nikolas and I who went together. At first, Andreas and I had a laugh. We were even dancing, having so much fun, being the best friends we surprisingly enough once were. Then history repeated itself in an uncomfortable way.

Andreas got to talk to a girl (the same girl who'd been CRAZY for Nikolas and has spread rumors about him etc. etc.) and he started to like her. He put his arm around her 'n stuff. She wasn't drunk and to be fair, she was only there, because Nikolas was 2-3 meters away. Anyways, I even left them alone.

Later, I met the girl in the wardrope. She wasn't drunk, sweet or even a decent girl. As a joke (and this was very clearly A JOKE) I asked her how much I could pay her to kiss Andreas. She became all bitchy and said "I'd just never, ever do that!" and to myself I thought "but you'd pay to do it with Nikolas". I went back up and later Andreas told me that she'd gone to dance and never came back- and apparently it was all because of me, because I'd asked her that question.
Andreas, Christian and I then sat on the couch, whereas two guys, very drunk, came and spoke to Andreas as if he was someone else. It made him uncomfortable. I whispered in his ear; "Would you like to dance, sort of, to get out of here?"
He said no.
I said, "Well then, do you want to dance, for me?"
and he said, "No, I want to wait for [Anna] and I don't want her to see me dancing to you."
SLAM! There it went. What he did with Ida, what he did with Sie, pushed me aside, over some girl. At that very moment, I thought to myself: No way in hell. I was so upset, I asked Christian to switch sides, but he declined. If we hadn't got up, I'd have told him that I'd leave if he hadn't moved.
Later, history re-repeated iself again, as I was dancing with Christian. Andreas came over, he either wanted to yell at me, just have some company or whatever. As I didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to be blamed or be reminded that I had come in 2nd (3rd, 4th...) I left. Close to making a scene, I ripped myself out of Christian's grip and tried to leave. Andreas left, his poor little feelings hurt. Ha.

Other than that, the party was great. I almost knew more people than Christian. Martinez was there as well, boy a laugh! I was so very drunk, I still can't remember small passages.

Sunday, January 22

dear andreas

Can you believe it?

I made your best friend fall for me. You never did think it would happen. I could hear it in your voice, how you kept reassuring me that Christian didn't want to give up 3.g, that I shouldn't get my hopes up. You knew my past with boys, you knew the crushes didn't last for long. You knew Christian, you knew his taste in girls. When I asked you that night, if you'd mind if I got together with Christian, you said 'only if you think he's the one'. You didn't think he would actually be. You thought it would be like the other guys. That was before the tragedy with Peter, before the drinking nights, before we fell in love. How does it make you feel now?

To be honest, it did ruin what we had. We can deny it, but it won't make it any less a fact. You once cared about me. You once crushed on me. Now our friendship is nothing but a shadow of its former self. Isn't that sad?

Despite this, we're happy, aren't we?
You're about to move away from home, with Peter. I've already started a perfect life with Christian. We're happy, fine without each other. I never thought I'd be able to cope without you. I had to learn to do it by myself, if I wanted to survive the day at the school.

I'm with your best friend and I think it once killed you. Think about it. The few times I talk to you, you mention only him. I think you've changed your view on me. I think a part of you hates me, or even worse; doesn't care about me any longer. It's okay, Andreas. I've learned to live without you. You can tell me all of this. I don't need to hear it, though. It's okay that we only speak on the bus, and we keep it shallow. Sometimes I get the feeling, that it's better than nothing at all. If it isn't the same.

Yet I thank you. If it wasn't for you, I'd never have been this happy right now. I'm happier than I ought to be, happier than I deserve to be. Happier than I knew I could be...

With your best friend.

Thursday, January 19

play pretend girlfriend

I'm too tired to differ, right now. I still have a crush on The Girl, but only when she's not there. When I see her, when she's right in front of me, when she touches my hair, my shoulders, my cheek, I don't feel the same, as when she's only in my mind.
I went to see the musical tonight. There was a girl performing. My type. I liked her, or well... prefered her? It did feel kind of funny, or the exact opposite actually - it felt normal. I guess I'm officially bisexual.
Which brings me to a subject which can still knock me off my feet. The same night as I'd written about The Girl and my crush slash desire to be with her in any way possible, Leah wrote me. Leah, the girl who, if she only saw herself half as beautiful as I saw her, would be on top of the world. She wrote me. As I said earlier, I'm too tired to differ, right now. I still cannot figure out what she meant when she wrote me.

Leah: Sofie! I asked you if you wanted to be my girlfriend!

I: When?

Leah: Just a second before, but then you left.

I: I'm sorry I missed that question. Ask again, ask again!

Leah: Hold on, I might ask again. It's because I asked my boyfriend if we shouldn't make the agreement that if Sofie ever becomes a lesbian, I will too and it would be pretty exciting, never knowing what would happen with my life.. Did it sound evil? It wasn't meant that way. leah<3sofie

I: Heehe, I get it. but I didn't make that agreement with Christian!

Leah: No, it would just be some kind of betting on you. I'd actually let you control my life. It would be exciting!

I don't think I've ever been that flattered. Random joke or not random joke, the first thing that popped into my mind was; "I don't deserve her!". I never gave it a thought that I wasn't a complete lesbian, that I would never leave Christian or that this life she 'offered' actually appealed to me. I don't know how much she meant it. If she did at all. I don't know if I'll regret it. I know one thing, though. I'd be the proudest lesbian of them all, was I Leah's girlfriend!

January 2006... The first time I fell for (a) girl(s). It's already starting.

Monday, January 16

slow motion

He walked past me in slow motion. He started everything, he was the first to make my heart race with 1000 m/hr. He still looked the same. Pointy eyes and lips. He was wrapped in a giant winter coat and hidden underneath a hoodie. He had his hands in his pockets. I don't know if he saw me, I don't know if he looked, I don't know if he thought about me afterwards, even for a short while. If he had, I guess he must have thought "Sofie. Hasn't changed a bit." just as I thought of him. Magnus. My first, my last, my everything. As bold as it sounds, he'll always be a huge part of me, whether he likes it or not. Magnus.

Sunday, January 15

i fell in love with a girl

I will allow myself to overreact this time. I don't want to deny this for what it can be. Friday night I went to the movies with this girl from my class. The Girl is somewhat like me, and I've always liked her more than all the other girls. Anyways, while we were watching this film I felt like kissing her. It grew stronger on the way home. I saw her Saturday night as well, and it's getting stuck on me. I still love Christian... But I'm really crazy about this girl. I have never felt this way before. Is this like falling for another boy? Cause that would be wrong. I don't know. I'm actually scared by this emotion. I hope it will pass, I really hope so. I haven't told Christian. I don't know how to. Or if I should. This may be a phase only. It may pass.

Thursday, January 12

If you should die before i leave
What on earth becomes of me
Look around theres noone here
To love me and hold me

Again, there's nothing I feel that a Robbie Williams song can't portrait. In the beginning of Christian's and my relationsship, I was constantly afraid that I was going to leave him. Now, season's changed and I'm now scared of the thought of him leaving me. No, there's nothing that could ruin what we have right now and I'm almost
100% sure that he won't leave me in the next couple of years. But... What if he did? What if he died? Or got seduced by some little Carmen Electra or if he realised he could do so much better. What would I do? I've come to the conclusion that I simpy cannot live without him. He's become my everything, my one and only. When I'm not with him, I miss lying on his chest, with my ear where his heart is nearest and my hand touching the place where his ribs stop. I miss tickling him that spot where he's the most ticklish- the place nearest the place he best likes to be touched. I miss when he gets sick of my being bitchy and just turns around, giving up, cause it makes me regret and cuddle up to him from behind, till he'll turn around and apologise. I miss saying to him what I feel, sweet things, and seeing his eyebrows bend to each their side while he goes "Aww". I miss waking up beside him and kissing him till he wakes. Then I miss taking a shower with him, feeling good about myself and about us, because he basically eats me with his eyes. I miss laughing with him at DK4, the most boring channel in the world. I miss him and his scent and his hands and his smile and his little tiny kisses...

New Year's eve we threw a party and I haven't spoken
for real with Andreas since. He got terribly drunk at the party where he managed to almost get in a fight with Jan ("I just lied down on the ground, just so that he knew he shouldn't hurt me, you know, I wouldn't wanna hit him, he'd get hurt." - Jan), he was of course a real laugh, but he also showed me the backside of showing him this blog. He said to me that I shouldn't ever, ever write that about him again, cause he was hurt. Basically, everything he said I could say back to him. For example,
"That wasn't what I needed at that time!" he said, whereas I could easily say, "Oh, and I did!?"
But he was drunk and I couldn't talk to him and apparently he doesn't feel like he needs to talk about it sober. That's fine with me. Somehow I believe I'll never really let go of him anyways. I'm on my way, though. He has already become the person you smile at in the hallways and talk to on the bus. This is sad, but unavoidable.
I've done my share a long time ago.

One day, at Christian's place, I wrote Peter from his MSN, asking him to add my MSN. He did, Christian came home and I logged off. That was the evening Christian decided to tell me that he suffered from jealousy and that if I became friends with Peter again, he'd be very jealous and feel horrible. He told me, in the belief that I never would- as that was what I had said.
I felt guilty. But Peter writes me in good amounts. Not that much, and not for that long. He's become somewhat like Andreas now. I'd smile at him in the hallways and I'd talk to him on a bus. And by the end of the day, I'd give a shit about his issues, cause he's done the same to me. See, he's just like Andreas to me.

Thing about Andreas and I is... When our lives are
pink, we don't want to listen to each other's problems. When Andreas had a blast at his school with the girls and his class, and I felt like shit, he didn't give a damn about me. Now, when he's miserable, I feel the same. Why should he ruin my day when I couldn't ruin his back then?

I worry too much about him.

I miss Christian.