Thursday, December 29

reminiscence


New years eve is coming up, and that day always makes me think about the passing year. Normally that doesn't leave much to think about. Although, this year has definitely brought me far. All my life my pace has been similar to a snails, but this year I've been a real peregrine falcon. If I take a look at the year gone by; it all started in January.

Saturday, January 15

I guess I can't sneak my way out of telling you about last night. So.. I got drunk. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.. Well, not during the drunkness, but afterwards - now - when I think back on all the people I called. Damn it.

That was the first time I got drunk. Also the month I gave my first blowjob.

Thursday, February 24

Our hamster, Perle, died this morning. With nothing being said for fun; I honestly believe that Perle has gone to Hamster-Heaven and is hanging out with all his new hamster mates. That's a thought I like.
We lost Perle.. So sad. I miss the little suicidal hamster.

Wednesday, March 23

p.p.s i like andreas' unheard-of friend kristian. he's so funny, nice and he reminds me of magnus.
The month I met Christian. Also the month I gave Peter a handjob underneath the table at the LAN-party. The month I got my second drunken kiss by Henrik, whom was VERY VERY good at it. The month I found out that I had hurt Peter sooo much.

Wednesday, April 20

First; Peter is now my boyfriend. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. Ok, I'm not. When I'm with him I feel like I can live without him...
The month I lost my virginity to Peter. The month I fell in love with Christian. The month I started dating Peter.

Sunday, April 3

remember that way old sentence: "i'm not in love"?

i'm not in love... but i like him so so so so so so so much!! he's so nice, so sweet, so goodlooking, so funny, oh sooo funny, so smart.. so.. perfect! i can't believe it! i'm thinking about him all the time, i can't stop talking about him. i want to see him. when i see him; i smile. i laugh when he laughs... i've fallen for him, i think, and i don't even know him.

Those were the dadys. It's Christian I'm talking about there, by the way. I was so head over heals.


Tuesday, May 17

I dragged him to the bathroom and kissed him. Since then he's been extraordinarily happy. If what I did was extremely bad or just very bad, I'm not sure, but I don't believe in regretting. I haven't spoken to Andreas about it, but I know he remembers.
So I've now also tried having my first affair.

Monday, May 23

Right before I go to try to make sour-sweet sauce with chicken, I want to tell you about today. I broke up with Peter. Bon appetit.

Tuesday, May 31

It's almost funny. Things happened exactly the way I expected them to. I knew I'd end up telling Christian everything, he'd say I was only a friend and I'd get sad and not so eager to see him again. This happened last night.

Yeah.. May was just insane.

Wednesday, June 15


I'm Sofie. I fucked up my entire confidence, circle of friends, life for that matter. That's me. I'm Sofie and I call people when I'm drunk. I tell them things they don't need or want to know. I won't hang up no matter what. I'm Sofie. I cheat on the best boyfriend a girl can ask for. I'm Sofie. I fuck up every good friendsship I get. Cause I hurt people on purpose. I'm Sofie. When I like a guy, I tell him. If he doesn't like me back, I cry. I'm Sofie. I'm fat, I know it, but I still eat like a pig. I'm Sofie. I can't keep a diet. I'm Sofie. I lie to people, so that I won't have to ride my bike up hill. I'm Sofie. I'm lazy. I'm not Leah. I'm Sofie. Tell me what to be proud of?

62 days left of the vacation. The longest fucking vacation of my life.

June was a bit far out. I was really depressed.

Saturday, July 23

I won. I came, I saw, I gained interest, I bothered, I conquered.


July.. The month I started dating Christian. Nothing else mattered.

Tuesday, August 9

I bloody love the first day at school... not!


August, first day at A.G my school.

Monday, September 26

So, this bitch comes walking up, right, and she's hugging my Christian.
I had my first jealous moment in September.

October











October - Berlin with Christian, our first trip together.

November, I turned 17 years old. Happy birthday to me.

December; first Christmas with Christian.

All in all, this year have been.. Everything. Everything has happened this year, things I'll never be able to take back. Who knew I could develope that much in just a year? It's basically insane.

New years eve is on Saturday. Christian and I are throwing a party, which can be added on my list as "first time getting drunk on new years eve". It would seem as the perfect party if it wasn't because Mette isn't coming. I don't even think there's a valid excuse, which probably is the hurtful thing. I've decided to let it go, let the thought go, cause I don't want it to ruin anything.

So, predictions for 2006?
Lovewise, probably still be with Christian in 12 months. We'll be celebrating our 1 year & 5 months and 8 days on next new years eve.
Educationwise, I'll be very busy in 2.g after the summer vacation. The class will probably still be a good class and perhaps the others have even matured. Hopefully, the new reform won't suck as much next year. We'll see.
Familywise, we'll probably have moved. We should have a new appartment by march, but I doubt it will happen that soon. It's necessary for our economy to have moved by this time next year. Laura will probably become a real little royal bitch, with hormones and periods. I can't wait to pick up a fight with that.
Weightwise, can only hope I've lost weight. Let's see. I'm 91,something now. Will I have lost 10, maybe 15 kiloes by next year? I kinda have to.
Friendswise, I'll still have Naja, Pernille and Mette. I'm doubting on Andreas. I can't imagine what will happen. Will he have a girlfriend by then?


Thursday, December 22

our song <3

U2 - City of blinding lights is our song.

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

I often think back to July and the months before that. I feel so lucky, so blessed to be in the situation I'm in now. I remember how I doubted, how deep I'd fallen for him. And how I was certain that I would never end up with him. Him being out of my league. Now it's the 22nd. We've been together for five months tomorrow. I remember the week before the 23rd of July. I was panicking, I didn't know what I wanted to do with the 'us'. I had realised that I couldn't live without him - and I knew I'd have a risk of loosing him if we got together and it didn't work out.

Neon heart day-glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

The first month was kinda rocky. There was the whole sex-issue, there was him being scared and insecure and me being even more insecure. At the same time I carried this grudge against Peter. There was the fact that he wasn't the perfect boyfriend at the time and that we didn't know each other all that well. There was the desire for constant confirmation that he wanted to be with me. There was the 20 minute non-stop kiss in his couch in the living room, in front of the TV which aired 'Spin city', the episode where Michael J. Fox kisses the gay Carter. Always been my favourite episode.

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The first real kiss in public. The first time I was confronted with the image of him talking to another girl. First time I felt jealous. First time I realised I was the only one for him. First time I met his friend, Nikolas. I didn't look my best that day, but Nikolas did. Then there was the first time we had sex. Christian and I, not me and Nikolas!

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can't see

Our trip to Berlin. The walks, the sexual surprises along the way. The bathtub, oh the bathtub..

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time...time...time...time
Won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

(my sister just came in.. She's crying, because she can't sleep. She can't sleep because she's excited about tomorrow. I'll take her to bed.)

Thursday, December 15

let go..

I let go of Andreas. Perhaps I let go the second I wrote to myself that I should. It didn't hurt as I expected it to. I let go of my best friend. I just don't feel the same way about him any longer. I see him as he sees me and it's such a relaxing feeling. I don't need him more than he needs me, which is for the regular comfort-talks, money, help for schoolwork and shopping and for filling out boring evenings. I actually didn't know I could let go.

Tuesday, December 13

so, andreas..

It's very, very rare that I cry over Christian. It's when I'm in a bad mood or when something goes ultimately wrong. These days, when I as much as just talk to Andreas, I start to cry. Really, everytime he writes something, I weep.
My everyday drama begins again. I gave Andreas the link to my diary. I don't know if I'll change it again, depends on so much. I might. No matter what I will get some drama. I have this feeling in my stomach, that drama is not what I want right now.
I spoke to him, of course, bawling my eyes out. I somehow confronted him, not because I really, really wanted to, but because I was tired of feeling leftout of his own little world. He appologised, told me he was going through a hard time. I feel submitted to him, and I don't want to feel that any longer. I remember in Farum 10th, he was always laughing, smiling, being funny and very, very open about everything. I don't remember the last time I saw or heard him laugh. He's sad about Sie, that little slut, and I can see why. Anyways.. I have a weird feeling in my stomach.

a biologi report, a necklace and a prick walk into a bar...

School is flooding me right now. I'm stressed out at all the work we're doing at this end of the year, and we have to do all of this work, because it is the end of the language and scientific comprehension course, which is the fundament for the rest of the years remaining. School can be just horrible sometimes, especially when I don't get enough sleep no matter how early I go to bed, and when the only thing I look forward to when I get home, is exercise @ 19.00.

Yesterday, Christian and I took our 3rd trip to the funfair, Tivoli, where there is atm a christmas fair. At 8 o'clock in the evening, the whole sky was completely dark, and the only thing that lighted up the funfair was all the lights. but trust me, there were loads. We just stood there and looked at the lights in all different colours. I was amazed, stunned and in lack of words. I was annoyed whenever Christian said something like "Gee, I sure wouldn't want to be the electricity installer!" or something stupid similiar to that. I just wanted to stand there, look at the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time, and think about my grandmother and how I wish she could just be there and see it. I hope to take her there when she comes over for Christmas, but I'm not sure that will happen. In Tivoli, Christian was so nice to me. We ate at the chineese place we always eat at when we're inthere, we kissed in 'The flying Suitcase' and he bought me a necklace. It's so beautiful, a big diamond heart. I pointed it out. He's lovely. I do love him. Saying that, I've come to the conclusion: I don't know what love is. What if I break up with Christian - maybe I'll discover that love doesn't get any better than this. Love is only breathtaking in the beginning. What Christian and I have is magical in a way. I do love him. I do love him. I love him.

Andreas is somewhat a prick. I asked Christian the question last night, "Do you want to be my new best friend?"
I don't consider Andreas and I best friends any longer. I've had stuff on my mind for a long time and I don't think he knows about it. My best friend is supposed to listen, even if I am with his old best friend. At the same time, I am to listen whenever he weeps about these BITCHES, WHORES, CUNTS and HEARTBREAKING WITCHES he's getting involved with. I've never minded it. I always give advice to everyone. I could easily mention 3-4 people who've actually gained from my advice. Now, what really pisses me off about Andreas, is that I give him the best advice he'll ever hear, but he doesn't take it and still whines about nothing happening. He's somewhat a 'mental case'. He's doing all this exercise, weight loss, getting rid of his glasses and tries to blend with the "cool people", trying to change his status and himself, but in fact, all he has to change is his inner. He has to get his priorities straight and his view of the world.

Two days ago, I went into the bus, after having had a ROUGH weekend with too much booze, too much fun and too much puke the day afterwards. Had he been my best friend, he'd always have known by then, but I let that thought go. He never asked. Actually, when I started telling him about it, he just laughed or something and then just sat back and said nothing. Quiet. The entire 30 minutes in the bus. Think about it!! The prior Friday, I had sat in that bus and I had held his hand, because he was furious and angry and hurt with this guy Torben, because Torben is now going out with Sie, whom Andreas tried to get with earlier. I held his hand, comforted him, and he even clutched back. Andreas wouldn't hold my hand, only if I really, really got down on both knees and begged him. To think I almost fell for him, a few weeks ago.

I've been feeling kinda nauseous the last two weeks. I'm a tiny bit scared that I might be pregnant, but the birth control pills should be 99,999% certain. If I am one of the 0,001% I'll probably feel more flattered than shocked, anxious and scared.
This leads me to last Saturday, when I threw up all over - everything. This was the hangovers to the friday before, where I had been drinking in a cabin in the forrest with my class. It was one of the funniest parties ever. I don't even think I made a mistake of any kind. As you see in the picture, I sat on a floor with Andreas and listened to music - and yes, we sung along. Loudly, fake and to uncool music. People were coming in to ask us stuff, but we just sang at them, until they left. I don't remember for how long this took place. Anyways, when I went to bed, I was still drunk and I hadn't eaten anything for over 12 hours. When I woke up, yesterdays liqour was puked up all over Caroline's bag. Later, Jakob came in and stepped in it. I had to call a cab to get me home, and when I came home I felt sick and didn't eat till Christian stopped by around midnight with some Chicken he'd gotten at the pizzaria. It was the only thing I could force down. I still feel nauseous, but I also did before that drunken night.

Wednesday, December 7

the andreas matters

Again; I feel like giving my diary address to Andreas. It was what brought us back together as friends in the very beginning, and I have a faint hope that it would happen again, if I just gave it to him again. My biggest fear lies in the fact that he'll probably tell me he doesn't have time or the want to read about Christian and I. This is my need for drama, I'm sure. Or my need for a best friend again. No, this is my need to get everything I point my finger at. There are things in this diary Andreas shouldn't know - but that I secretly wish he did know, and nonetheless, that he would want to know. I need him. He doesn't need me any longer. I think it's time to let go. Though it breaks my heart.