Sunday, November 27

Promises of bullshit

I promise him forever. I tell him I love him more than I could ever imagine. I tell him I will always be his. I promise him that I won't ever leave, that he should never fear loosing me.

I'm lying.

This is not forever, this is but a passage of my life. It may be the longest relationsship I will ever have. I may never love anyone as I love him again. I may leave him and live the rest of my life in solitude, wishing I'd never left him. He's everything safe. He's everything good I want in a guy. He just doesn't contain any of the bad things. Everywhere I hear women talking about their boyfriends or the guy they imagine to be perfect, and the phrase I hear the most is "I want him to confirm his love for me on a daily basis."
What I want to do, is tell them that once they get used to hearing it, they're gonna want it to stop. Thing about Christian and I is that we won't leave each other for another couple of years. In about a year, we'll probably move in together. By the time I go to the university of Copenhagen, I might find a room somewhere in the area and that's when I'll leave him. This isn't a plan, it's just a prediction of how I think it will go. I can imagine. The breakup will be difficult, but that very night I'll go out and have the blast of my life. I'll get hammered and end up in the bathroom where I cry over the great, massive endless loss I just suffered. Desperate, I'll hook up with the first guy I can find, who is the exact opposite of Christian. The next morning, when I face him, I will - for the first time in years - feel how it feels to be alive.
Am I dead with Christian? Does he slowly kill the magic, the spur of doubt, the life?
He's still a little kid and I tend to forget that. When I, f.ex get damn annoyed when he does his little dances in public, I analyze it and I come to the conclusion that he's... a child. He's doing stuff to test his limits, he's careless of people's oppinions of him. Or maybe I'm just a psycho mental case who's evil and a hell of a person in relationsships and who'll end up being with her 56 cats in a flat in the country, while he really is the perfect guy.

I promise him I love him. I smile because I mean it. He tells me he wants to spend forever with me. It eccoes in my head... Forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever...

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