Monday, November 28

the trouble with me

You see the trouble with me
Monkey see monkey do
There's no U in tomorrow
A better offer came through
You see the trouble with you
There's no trouble with you
So when you say that you love me
That stops me loving you

Nothing, and I mean nothing can portrait my current mood, situation or emotion like a Robbie Williams song. He always knows what to say, how to say it. After a day like this, which has been quite good taking the considerations, I could definitely need someone like Robbie to understand me.

Sunday, November 27

and they will follow..

Hi, I am the angel- no, I am the she-devil of death. Horrible, painful death. Follow me and you will die. Although, my evil plan cannot fail - I know just how to get you where I want you to be. I know how to be irresistable to you. Once I give you a taste of my blood, you will crave more and you will slip and fall into my cradle of death. There, I will eat you up, slowly and painless, until you are mine completely. When you feel the most vulnerable, I will send you into the death of being a prisoner of my love. Don't love me. Don't ever, ever fall in love with me. Please listen to me. Don't ever fall in love. Every guy who has ever fallen in love with me has ended with a broken heart. I will change, I swear. I just can't change right now. So leave, turn around, let me be a psychopath all by myself. I'll love you once I get the right psyche to do so. Promise me that you will not love me.

Promises of bullshit

I promise him forever. I tell him I love him more than I could ever imagine. I tell him I will always be his. I promise him that I won't ever leave, that he should never fear loosing me.

I'm lying.

This is not forever, this is but a passage of my life. It may be the longest relationsship I will ever have. I may never love anyone as I love him again. I may leave him and live the rest of my life in solitude, wishing I'd never left him. He's everything safe. He's everything good I want in a guy. He just doesn't contain any of the bad things. Everywhere I hear women talking about their boyfriends or the guy they imagine to be perfect, and the phrase I hear the most is "I want him to confirm his love for me on a daily basis."
What I want to do, is tell them that once they get used to hearing it, they're gonna want it to stop. Thing about Christian and I is that we won't leave each other for another couple of years. In about a year, we'll probably move in together. By the time I go to the university of Copenhagen, I might find a room somewhere in the area and that's when I'll leave him. This isn't a plan, it's just a prediction of how I think it will go. I can imagine. The breakup will be difficult, but that very night I'll go out and have the blast of my life. I'll get hammered and end up in the bathroom where I cry over the great, massive endless loss I just suffered. Desperate, I'll hook up with the first guy I can find, who is the exact opposite of Christian. The next morning, when I face him, I will - for the first time in years - feel how it feels to be alive.
Am I dead with Christian? Does he slowly kill the magic, the spur of doubt, the life?
He's still a little kid and I tend to forget that. When I, f.ex get damn annoyed when he does his little dances in public, I analyze it and I come to the conclusion that he's... a child. He's doing stuff to test his limits, he's careless of people's oppinions of him. Or maybe I'm just a psycho mental case who's evil and a hell of a person in relationsships and who'll end up being with her 56 cats in a flat in the country, while he really is the perfect guy.

I promise him I love him. I smile because I mean it. He tells me he wants to spend forever with me. It eccoes in my head... Forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever...

Saturday, November 26

Brad Pitt's Habit

I love this new 'thing' Brad Pitt has set his mind to. From now on, whenever I turn on my computer, he'll be right there, on my desk, looking directly at me, while getting out of the swimming pool (where he's been swimming still with his clothes on) with the American flag behind him telling me that he is far, far away, but misses me more than anything in the world. I am not the person to take away a person's rights to stalk someone! Especially not Brad Pitt! If the stud wants to check me out with his brown puppy dog SEXY eyes, I cannot take that for granted. I must be willing to give up my time so that I can stare right back at him. At least, that's what he deserves. Maybe next time he calls frantically in the middle of the night to confess his undying love for me, I'll tell him to take off his clothes the next time he swims.. all his clothes. Every single... piece...

Oh well. Contemplating Brad Pitt isn't what I do most (yes it is) and it's not like he's the hottest guy in the world (yes it is).

Home alone; Babysitting

I am at home tonight, babysitting for Laura. Our mother is in Copenhagen with her co-workers watching a show and eating some food. I'm watching MGP 2005 with Laura, though now I'm sitting here writing this. I hardly ever write in this journal any longer, but I want to start again. I often get some thoughts that I am desperate to write down, but once I get home, I have a million sites to check, people to talk to or places to go.

I feel bad for updating so seldom on my and Christian. Almost everytime I've been with him I've had a change of thought, or something I've had to think through. This is my first real relationsship where it's not all one big mistake (Peter.) and where I actually do have feelings for him. Yeah, I am in doubt, but since I will stay with him no matter what I feel, I won't even give the doubt a thought. Also, I want to give this new option a try - it's just a thought, but maybe I have a hard time having strong feelings for someone because I don't love myself. I'll change myself, the way I see myself and my body.
I'll also hope that Christian falls out of love with me. I don't want him to not love me any longer, I just hope he'd soon get over this 'in love' feeling. Every second he's telling me he loves me, that I mean more to him than to anyone, that I'm perfect, that he's mine, that I'm his and so on. I feel bad for actually complaining about this, and I refuse to ever complain out loud. But I feel... numb. I'm not so extremely in love with him, as he is in me. I've reached the point where I just love him. Remember, I've been in love with him since I first saw him. He's only been in love with me for two or three months. I've gotten used to this feeling by now. The more he tells me he loves me, the less I can feel that I love him.
Look at my luxury problems: Too much love!

Monday, November 14

1cd is my class

1cd is my class, and today I've begun to make a statement about what I feel about them individually. I've not been the most happy person in the world today, and I think that's why I want to write this.

TALL ANDREAS -> If I was his friend, I'd think better of him. Then I'd actually like him, because he's a very, very funny person and he's always smiling and being happy. But I'm not his friend, as I'm not in his 'clique'. I'm not one of those fake let's-go-drinking-every-night-and-I-wear-too-much-makeup types he's running around with, and I don't think it would ever occur to him to talk to me.
SIGNE -> Signe is extremely beautiful, very sexy. She's got a cute laugh, cute voice, the best style in clothes... Signe is perfect. Why do I hate her so? Why is it that I hate her so very, very much? Fact being, I hate her cause I don't hate her. I should hate her. She's unhateable, that makes me hate her, but I can't. GOSH!
CHRISTINA -> I'm very fond of Christina. I get along with her perfectly, we both have our weirdnesses and we can really talk to each otherl. She's open, funny, happy and just a great person. If she leaves the class, I'll be very, very alone.
DITTE -> One of the most fake persons I have ever met. To me, she just seems as if she has no spine. If you pay attention to it, everything she says, is just a repeat of something someone else said. She laughs alot and just kinda... she annoys me.
ANDREAS O. -> Last I described him here, I said he was the "quiet geeky type"... Not so very true. He's very funny, plus he's very acceptive of other things. He can definitely stand up to people, even his closest friends, whom all seem like they'd never do that. I like him.
Maja -> Having a hard time coping with her. No one really likes her, because she's got quite a big head and she always mentions last year where she went to the U.S. To be honest, I'd do the same as her. Brag. Boost. People are jealous. She does seem stupid though, but she's stupid in the way you can't really hate. Weird girl.
ANNIA -> She's drop-dead-gorgeous. She's very smiling, laughs at everything, can even laugh at her own mistakes. I admire her. She's just so great.

I'm tired of listing these perfect people.

Friday, November 4

I'm a little bit of everything ¤

I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch,
I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between
- Meredith Brooks "Bitch"

Today I analysed myself. In history class, Henrik told us to write who we were. We had three minutes to write down who we were. People asked questions on what to write, they were all very nervous. I started writin;

Who am I?

Cries at soap operas. Create my own dramas, so I can worry about something, when I don't have any other problems. Thinks and analyses too much. Have seen too many episodes of Dr. Phil. Hate it when people hate themselves so much that they feel they have to be fake. Love cartoon violence. Can laugh, just because others are. Look like my mother by mind and my father by looks. Am proud of this. Always very indecisive. I should be living in Berlin, as I feel more at home there than here in my city. Rather alone than with people, though I love that as well. Keep an internet diary. Kept it since september 2004. When people say they're weird, I think they are just too normal. Buy sunglasses, even though I don't ever wear them. Am rarely open to other peoples opinions, when they go against what I believe/think about certain topics. My humour is worst on Thursdays. If I could, I'd build a wall around Italy and not let any Italians out, only in. I see through people to easily, when they have hidden agendas. I love to write about myself. ¤

Thursday, November 3

Love in Russian <3

GuBBi the Great says:
Я люблю Вас так очень! Мне жаль, что я не могу быть с Вами все время! Я не люблю ревнивую часть меня непосредственно, но я действительно прилагаю все усилия, чтобы бороться с этим.
как эта картина Вас я не хотел, чтобы Вы загрузили. Теперь это - Вы олицетворение. намного меньший и для этого не как плохо, но я все еще плохо себя чувствую об этом! Я знаю, что я имею проблему в этом случае, и я действительно действительно люблю Вас! никогда не сомневайтесь относительно этого!

Isn't he the sweetest?

School ruins music

School ruins music. Or my school ruins my view on music. We have this old guy named Boje who 'teaches' us music. So far we've had about Bethoven, classical music in general and now The Beatles. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to actually ruin The Beatles for me, but guess what - Boje succeeded in his attempt. What we have to do is listen to the song (in this case 'shes leaving home') and write down the lyrics... (make a note of these dots.)
Like what the fuck!? Is this guy mentally disturbed?! First of all, it takes a person 0,5 seconds to locate the lyrics on the Internet. It teaches us SHIT about music and the Beatles. It's just so that he can have his english class FORCED into every other class he has, so that he can get a chance to be smarter than us (because he already knows the lyrics) and because he doesn't have anything better to do, as ½ of the class IS smarter than him at music and the other ½ couldn't care less. Boje is the sole reason why my Thursday sucks bigtime. I never thought music could be this bad.

Staying with music, the other night I dreamed about a song. I still remember it, and I looked it up. It doesn't exist. The only thing that's left of it in my memory, though, is these words "she's seventeen, she's seventeen, she's seventeen". It's guitar accustic and I know just the way it's supposed to sound. It's so odd. I once dreamed that I heard the entire Christina Aguilera album aswell - It was the exact songs as they were on the real album - and I hadn't even heard it yet.

Life is just pure odd sometimes. Dreams, coincidences, people... Life isn't black and white. Sometimes things can't be explained and sometimes it's better that way. Life just really, really sucks major ass when you just spent 2 hours with Boje and The Beatles.

Wednesday, November 2

Am I in?

I was on my way home from Christian's today, around a quarter to five. I listened to my iPod and turned left, over the road to the beginning of my building. There was a huge que on the other side of the road. Where I was supposed to turn my bike and go into the building, some construction workers were doing their work. Imagine this scenario. I was listening to Incubus' "Are you in?". Fog was falling from the behind of the construction workers truck, the sound of an ambulance was clear in the background of the music. It was almost evening, the sky was dark. The light from an ambulance reflected in every single thing I saw. The construction workers were yelling at each others. The weather was odd. It wasn't hot at all, but it was chilly. Everything was perfect, just for a while.

Laura and I took pictures of ourselves. It's been a while since we done that last. We had a blast, fooling around, doing different faces and shots. It's nice to have a little sister around. She's a good girl, she'll become something.
I had another arguement with Jan last night. I can't even be bothered about it any longer. He's a lying, sociopathic little virgin bastard. Yet, though he know I feel that way about him, he still wants to be my friend. That just proves that he's been lying all along. I pity him.

K-PAX is on at the moment. Kevin Spacey thinks he's from the planet K-PAX and
everything just confirms that thought. I remember analysing it once, where I came to the conclusion that he was some kind of angel. I like that thought, I like Kevin Spacey and I like that movie.