Friday, October 28

If I'm not allowed to bitch to anyone else; I am to my own diary for heaven's sake. So, been feeling really shit about myself recently, because of hormones, my period and moodswings. When I picked Christian up at the airport last Wednesday, we went to his place. I realised how much I had missed him. We fell asleep in a really nice way. When we woke up, I had decided to stay away from music class, as I'd be asleep there anyways. That ended with me staying home the whole day. We had a really nice time, just the two of us.
There's a party at my school tonight. It was gonna be really nice, with costumes, Cennet, Annia and the class. Was gonna go with Andreas and Jan. I was gonna be dressed in a Goth style with black cross, black nailpolish and black lipstick.
Thursday night I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, if Christian didn't come (he wouldn't) or if I had to go with Andreas, Jan and Johan (apparently, Johan doesn't like me, says Jan, and isn't that just nice to know!!) and if I even wanted to. I was gonna buy my ticket today. Today, you see, I realised that I wanted to go. When I went to buy a ticket, they were sold out - sold to the people in front of me. It didn't really occur to me until we were in the bus, where Jan was being such a good friend, reminding me of what a big idiot I really was - why I hadn't just bought a ticket Wednesday. I nearly cried right there and then.
And I'm nearly crying now. I feel like SHIT because I'm not going to the party. I'm feeling stupid because I'm making such a big deal of it. I feel really sad because Jan said; "Johan, ever since he first met you, he's just HATED you.". I feel angry because Jan said that. I feel guilty for being sad-- last night, Christian wanted to give me (what he considered) a pep-talk consisting of "Get a grip! You have nothing to whine about! You have to pull yourself together!".. I also nearly cried. I did not need that. Andreas is careless. He's being cold again.. Just as I had become friends with him again, he's starting that SHIT again!
The last thing I need right now, is some fucking asshole telling me I can't whine about this. 'Cause I will go take a shower soon, and I will cry and I will allow myself to cry!
Because I need it. I really need it.
I don't even want to be with Christian tonight. I guess I am still feeling a bit under the weather because of a) his little "peptalk" which seemed more like he was yelling at me, undermining me. b) because he didn't want to go to the party because "he knew too many from his school there". INCONSIDERATE FUCKING SHIT!!!!
No, I don't mean that, but I need to get it out of my system.
I'm just gonna sit home all night and add some feeling of guilt because I'm not at Christian's place. Oh, but don't worry - be sure he will make me feel guilty through MSN. Because I shouldn't cry, because so many others have REAL problems and my PROBLEM is a LUXURY problem and I shouldn't cry.
So I will sit home and CRY! CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY!!

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