Monday, October 31

Andreas; do you read this diary? :)
I can still be mesmerized by Leah. Sometimes you just don't realise how much it means to lose a person. By that, I'm not saying that I've lost Leah. I wouldn't let that happen - I say that now, knowing it probably will happen one day, as we never get to see each other. It's a cold fact and I wish I could do something about it. As a matter of fact, I can do something about it. Will I do something about it? Most likely not, as I can't really imagine what it would be. Make her meet up? That would probably be a disaster. Most of the time when I'm with her, I feel ugly. I do love being in her company though, because I admire her so - I think the feeling I get when I'm with her is; starstruck.
Anyways. We'd meet up, we wouldn't know what to talk about, it would be a complete disaster and we'd not see each other again. I like this "we have to meet one day" relationsship. It gives us both some kind of false feeling that we will continue being friends for the rest of our lives.

I have this kind of relationsship with a lot of people, actually. People, I love and cherish and WISH lived next door to me - no, whom I wished lived WITH me. But whom I rarely speak to and know, deep inside within that hidden place that I don't like, I will not know still in 10 years. It's really painful, but the way I deal with people makes it inpreventable.

All I can really do is hope and pray that there are other people like Leah, Merete, Linda and etc. outthere and that I will meet them eventually (and hopefully get to live with all of them for the rest of my life). If not, I can always think back to the years when I actually saw them every day (or every week, month) and didn't know how much I'd miss them.

Friday, October 28

If I'm not allowed to bitch to anyone else; I am to my own diary for heaven's sake. So, been feeling really shit about myself recently, because of hormones, my period and moodswings. When I picked Christian up at the airport last Wednesday, we went to his place. I realised how much I had missed him. We fell asleep in a really nice way. When we woke up, I had decided to stay away from music class, as I'd be asleep there anyways. That ended with me staying home the whole day. We had a really nice time, just the two of us.
There's a party at my school tonight. It was gonna be really nice, with costumes, Cennet, Annia and the class. Was gonna go with Andreas and Jan. I was gonna be dressed in a Goth style with black cross, black nailpolish and black lipstick.
Thursday night I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, if Christian didn't come (he wouldn't) or if I had to go with Andreas, Jan and Johan (apparently, Johan doesn't like me, says Jan, and isn't that just nice to know!!) and if I even wanted to. I was gonna buy my ticket today. Today, you see, I realised that I wanted to go. When I went to buy a ticket, they were sold out - sold to the people in front of me. It didn't really occur to me until we were in the bus, where Jan was being such a good friend, reminding me of what a big idiot I really was - why I hadn't just bought a ticket Wednesday. I nearly cried right there and then.
And I'm nearly crying now. I feel like SHIT because I'm not going to the party. I'm feeling stupid because I'm making such a big deal of it. I feel really sad because Jan said; "Johan, ever since he first met you, he's just HATED you.". I feel angry because Jan said that. I feel guilty for being sad-- last night, Christian wanted to give me (what he considered) a pep-talk consisting of "Get a grip! You have nothing to whine about! You have to pull yourself together!".. I also nearly cried. I did not need that. Andreas is careless. He's being cold again.. Just as I had become friends with him again, he's starting that SHIT again!
The last thing I need right now, is some fucking asshole telling me I can't whine about this. 'Cause I will go take a shower soon, and I will cry and I will allow myself to cry!
Because I need it. I really need it.
I don't even want to be with Christian tonight. I guess I am still feeling a bit under the weather because of a) his little "peptalk" which seemed more like he was yelling at me, undermining me. b) because he didn't want to go to the party because "he knew too many from his school there". INCONSIDERATE FUCKING SHIT!!!!
No, I don't mean that, but I need to get it out of my system.
I'm just gonna sit home all night and add some feeling of guilt because I'm not at Christian's place. Oh, but don't worry - be sure he will make me feel guilty through MSN. Because I shouldn't cry, because so many others have REAL problems and my PROBLEM is a LUXURY problem and I shouldn't cry.
So I will sit home and CRY! CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY!!

Wednesday, October 26

How is my life at the moment?
It's been forever since I last wrote, and I've been trying not to feel guilty because of it. It is afterall, my diary. I think I'm in some kind of self-destructive circle, because I feel like I pressure myself to writing something, and then I go into protest when I feel pressured.
In two hours I'm going to the airport to get Christian. He's been in London since Sunday, and I've missed him greatly. It's not the kind of 'miss' that I'm used to. This sneaks up on my when I least expect it. As if someone hit me in the stomach, I loose my breath, tears get stuck in my eyes and I just feel that empty space in my heart, where he is not. He lands at 22:20. I'm turning in my seat. Why must I wait so long? It's not fair. I'll stay at his place till Friday, where I have a party to attend and his mother comes home.
The party is at my school. I can bring a guest, but Christian won't come, and that saddens me a bit. It's okay that he won't be there, but it's the thought that counts. Why won't he do this for me?
I can't really complain though. Last week, from Wednesday to Friday, we went to Berlin together. Yeah, we really did. The photo above is from that trip. We stayed at a four star'ed hotel, where they had a bathtub - I think I spent most of my time in that bathtub. We made love a few times, went for some walks and ate at fancy restaurants. It was great, nice, historical and magical. On the flight to Germany, Christian was too excited. He wanted to give me my birthday present, though it's not my birthday till November 10th. He gave me a petite purple (favourite colour.) box. I was too afraid to open it. I knew it was a jewellery. I opened the box. It was a Gold necklace, 14 carats, with a tiny diamond in it. I'll take a picture one day. I didn't know what to say - I've never been good at accepting gifts and this was beyond my imagination. I kissed him, cluelessly, said thanks and held the little thing as if it was my newborn baby. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
In Germany, during our walks, he continously bought me stuff. Purses, dinners, the busrides, postcards and in the airport on the way home, he bought me a crazy expensive gift; a perfume, Gucci RUSH2. The entire trip was so romantic and I could hardly believe I was there. In my favourite town with my favourite boyfriend, doing what I loved: shopping, loving, relaxing - and taking a real bath in a bathtub. xx

Thursday, October 6

I'm not sure what to think about it. If someone asked me now who Andreas was, I doubt I'd say "he's my best friend". He's gone from being my best friend to being my friend. I'm not sure if he's changed. Sure, his ego has gotten bigger. I never talk to him any more. Not even on MSN. I know that Christian takes a lot of my time, but I don't think that's an excuse. I can begin to cry just by thinking about it. It hurts to loose a friend, especially one like Andreas, whom I've shared everything with. I don't know. It's the little things; like. I asked him once if he wanted to go to the mall during the lunch break. He said yes. When I found him in the lunch break he was heading for the mall with someone from his class - and he asked me if I wanted to come. He was only interested in this guy from his class. I was given the cold shoulder. Fucking bastard. I hate this. This leaves me with no-one really to talk to during the lunch breaks. Well, the girls from my class, but to them I'm an outcast. Seher and Ghadir annoys me GREATLY and I REFUSE to spend each lunch break with them. I guess I'm just generally a bitch today. Even Christian annoys me - tho he hasn't changed a bit. I'm real emotional and I should go to bed. The Andreas-thing has been going on for a while now. He doesn't know how to appreciate me. He's almost careless of me. I don't want that from a 'best friend'. I don't know. Maybe one day when I'm lucky enough to have a moment of his time, when all his other friends are doing something different, I could have a word with him. About how disappointed I am and how I wish he'd get his sorry ass down from the sky and get back down to earth.
I know I have Christian and I'm terribly glad, but I need a friend. Why the hell doesn't he realise that? I hate it.

Anyways. I'll live. The weekend is near. Things'll happen.

Saturday, October 1

Oh he's so adorable, and I'm so bad. I searched a bit around the internet, and passed his favourite site. I looked at the forum and saw a tribute from him. The subject was "Gift for girlfriend" where he asked for advice on what to give me for my birthday. He is so, so, so adorable. I felt so bad for reading all the way through. No, he didn't come to a conclusion and I will do my best to stay away from there from now on. Oh, I'm such a bad girl.

The picture is me and Ida, kissing. I knew Christian allows it. Lesbian sex is his biggest turn-on. It was taken at the party last night, so I was drunk. So was she, just not as much. It was actually quite a shame, cause she told me that she'd promised another girl that she wouldn't kiss others than her with tongue. Christian would've loved that. Ok, it's admitted - I am a tiny bit annoyed with him. We were supposed to go to a party tonight. Andreas is having it, for people from his class.
We weren't supposed to get drunk or anything, just pass by and say hi and then leave. He wrote me that he didn't want to go. Tiiiiny bit annoyed, but I'll deal with it. Didn't tell him, though. I think I'm going out with him tonight, nothing fancy, just dropping by a pizzaria. I haven't seen him since thursday night - seems like forever ago. When I'm with him, I'm sure I love him. Or well. Almost sure. I hate being in doubt about things like that. No matter what I feel for him, I won't leave him, never ever. I can't do that. Never. Even if I start hating him! I won't be that person! Just as well, as I won't ever cheat on him! I do not want to be that kinda person!
I'm the person who is careless about school, who can't do well in classes... I won't be a sucker in love as well.
I think I was very, very drunk last night. I only had a glass of Dooley's, 2 small smirnoff twisted and 1 a' 70cl Barcardi Breezer and 1 a' 70cl smirnoff ice. Things weren't that bad when it comes to drunken phonecalls and messages. I know I wrote Christian a whole lot. I didn't want to disturb him or concern him and I hope I didn't do so. He called me at the end because he wanted to hear if I was okay - tell me to slow down on the alchohol...

... Too late!

Mehmet has always been my biggest temptation. I no longer fear I'm gonna cheat on Christian with anyone. Though I have to admit; when Mehmet arrived at the party last night, my heart nearly jumped out of my throat and I did have to go get my mobile to look at the picture of Christian and I. Four times. Ever since I didn't kiss him in January in Berlin, I've wanted to. Last night passed without me cheating on Christian. I'm proud, 'cause I know I had my chance with Poul, for instance. Mehmet, probably also. Who knows? Sigh. Did I say embarrassing things to people? If I did, I'm not sure I remember.

I spoke A LOT to Asger, Glen, Poul, Martin, Ida of course and Lea. I had a small-talk to Amalie and Emma, my public-school enemies. They're at the same school as Christian, so I told them that.. Mehmet overheard, I think.

I might get back later..