Monday, September 12

I think I'll just skip the extension of my inner German vocabulary. Everything is falling apart - no it's not - but it sure as hell feels like it. When was the last time I cried like this?
Why, goddamnit? Not only am I sitting here hoping, praying and wishing for this feeling in my stomach that tells me that I'm in love with Christian to jump out and confirm this doubt, but I'm also chatting to Andreas, who's got a date this weekend with Sie - a girl he met at a party. He's the only one I got at the school at the moment. When I'm with him I feel safe and mighty. When not, I feel alone, cause well, I am alone. If he gets a girlfriend, I'll be alone.
I hate myself right now. Why am I like this? Why am I crying?
I am just so selfish. I don't want to do anything, cause it's all just crap crap crap. I think I really need to see Christian. I think I have to have him now, just to be confirmed. I need to just lie there with him, having that feeling of safety. Yet, if I'm with him, I'll be thinking about him and these feelings I may not have. Oh GOD!!! :'(

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