Monday, September 26

So, this bitch comes walking up, right, and she's hugging my Christian.

Hehe. I had my first real jealous moment. We were at the mall, Andreas, Christian and I, and we went to the bakery. I quit, by the way, and I was talking to Lea* about the shifts she's taken for me. When I turn around to got back out to the guys, I see this girl standing with them. She's got her hair up in a braid, she has a white and wide smile, tight clothes, but without looking like a slut and she's just plain beautiful. She hugged Christian. I step up to them, still laughing at something Seher said. They talk about a party at Christian's school and the girl says "Well, maybe I'll see you then.", winks and gives him a sly smile. I give her a smile. If she had known me, she would know that it wasn't the kinda smile you'd usually give a nice girl you just met. She smiled back. Throwing her hair back, laughing she said that it had been a long time since they last met. "Oh, and you should meet - " he said and reached his arms towards me, "- Sofie!"
And then he pointed at Andreas and introduced him aswell. This girl, Anna was her name, said "Oh hii!" and hugged me. I was like; "Oh, uh, woopsie... Hi!"
And Andreas got a hug as well. So again, she did the wink, hair-toss, sly smile and laugh and said "Well, I'll see you at the party!" and left, shaking her little ass. I murmured to myself; "Maybe you won't."

I had my first jealous moment. Andreas was certain I was going to kill her - bring her back to life - only to kill her once more. I nearly was. Christian said; "That's a girl from my old class. Believe me, I have never EVER had anything to do with her!"

I'm trying to not interpret anything. I mean; I was introduced as "sofie".. Does that mean that she KNEW I was his girlfriend? Or that she didn't know and - shouldn't know?

I don't want to read too much into this. Where is the pink cloud when you need it?

Christian is in love with me. It feels so good. He said it, "I'm in love with you." he said. He's so great. He said that every minute he didn't spend with me, was a waste of time. That he missed me all the time. That I was beautiful... And the winner; "If you could only see yourself as half as beautiful as I see you, you would never ever feel bad about yourself again."
If I didn't have him, I wouldn't know what to do.

He's helping me through this. I can't handle the school at the moment. I feel like shit in my class. They're immature, stupid and they've already been so nice to treat me with a role. I'm the outsider, but not in the cool wa. I'm the girl who doesn't want to talk to anyone, who shuts myself out, who's just very shy. WHAT THE F***! Argh, I'm going insane. I've cut school too many times. I'm dead.

Friday, September 23

Proof; that I am worthy of all good coming to me!

Christian cares for me. I asked him and he said that he cared for me. He says I'm beautiful and he realises that he is lucky. He once said he prefered me to Carmen Electra.
I have people fancying me. Andreas once fancied me. Henrik fancied me. Jonathan appreciates me greatly. Jan, the lil fucker has even been crazy about me at one time. I even got some positive attention from two of Tobias' friends.
I'm a good person, apparently people like me.

Monday, September 19

So last night Andreas was getting on my nerves. As Christian was to make his math assignment, and things in general were bugging me (drank old milk, for example) I decided to go see Andreas, as it had been a long time since we last spoke. All I knew was that he had been on a date with that girl Sie and that it went great. He told me that they'd been holding each other's hands, hugging and flirting. A part of me was genuinely happy on his behalf, the other part of me hated Sie. Things changed. When Andreas gets too certain of himself, and too happy, he becomes empty-headed. He doesn't think of others problems as his own are solved and he has no worries. He didn't listen to me, and he didn't understand that I really, really needed a friend who wanted to feel for me and have patience and LISTEN ! For once, just listen! He didn't. He's usually such a great listener, but not then and there. It annoyed me greatly.
Today, Sie came to the place where Andreas and I were sitting and dragged him away. He told me later that she had told him that she recently found out that her mother was adopted - and that she needed time to find herself. While trying to comfort Andreas, I secretly planned the murder of Sie. How dared she? Andreas fell of his happy cloud and crashed. He was sad all day. It didn't feel as good as I'd expected.

Thursday, I think it was, I went shopping with Pernille. We were walking down the mall, spending money, feeling rather great, happy, relaxed, and passed a shop. I don't remember its name or its products - as a matter of fact, I don't remember anything else but the feeling that suddenly occured to me. I fell in love with him. Christian. I stood there, looking at a poster of a guy with a pink shirt on, imagining how Christian would look in one, I fell a funny feeling in my stomach - and I fell in love. It's been great since that day, with Christian that is. I have to admit that the sex is great too. Saturday, I took a shower with him. I've been terrified of doing that, since I did it with Peter and it was the worst experience ever. It was nice. It was amazing, taking that shower with him. He's wonderful, I'm still mesmerized by him.

I have to get a grip.

Tuesday, September 13

I feel a bit better.
Went comfort-shopping with PP.

Monday, September 12

I think I'll just skip the extension of my inner German vocabulary. Everything is falling apart - no it's not - but it sure as hell feels like it. When was the last time I cried like this?
Why, goddamnit? Not only am I sitting here hoping, praying and wishing for this feeling in my stomach that tells me that I'm in love with Christian to jump out and confirm this doubt, but I'm also chatting to Andreas, who's got a date this weekend with Sie - a girl he met at a party. He's the only one I got at the school at the moment. When I'm with him I feel safe and mighty. When not, I feel alone, cause well, I am alone. If he gets a girlfriend, I'll be alone.
I hate myself right now. Why am I like this? Why am I crying?
I am just so selfish. I don't want to do anything, cause it's all just crap crap crap. I think I really need to see Christian. I think I have to have him now, just to be confirmed. I need to just lie there with him, having that feeling of safety. Yet, if I'm with him, I'll be thinking about him and these feelings I may not have. Oh GOD!!! :'(
Before I continue trying to extend my inner German vocabulary, I want to write something. First I thought it was embarrassing because I knew that people, whoever they were, would feel disgusted by my thoughts if they read them. On second thought, this is my diary and I will write what I want.
Thinking about being Christian unfaithful isn't that bad, considering it is worse. In relationsships, most people will be curious. Some people will be eager to test the relationsship. Some people aren't comfortable or well, too comfortable. Some people just create temptation to fall for it.
I'm a bit of each. I've never had much patience in me. At the moment, our relationsship is going so slow - There's not much progress to be done. We're sleeping together, we're even kissing in public now, we're planning a trip to Germany together. Hell, we're even, for laughs, discussing the names of our four kids. What else can happen?
I guess I'm looking for something to challenge all that. I guess I miss to feel that thrill it gives when I kiss someone at a party. The feeling of waking up the next day, finding a hickey on your neck, or still being able to smell his aftershave all over you. Saying "Look, I was drunk, it was a mistake", but with a smile, when you confront rumours the next day. I miss the first kiss with a stranger. I miss the afterwards-flirt and the lack of commitment.
I miss the single life.
On the other hand. I get a lump in my throat, just by thinking about everything that will happen afterwards. Confronting myself with what I've done and to whom I've done it. Christian and I talked about infidelity whereas he said that he would be 'angry' if I were unfaithful to him. It struck me that he didn't say he'd be 'hurt' or 'disappointed'. Angry. When I think of the consequences, I no longer want to be with some random and meaningless guy at a party. Am I a very bad person?
I was Peter unfaithfull with Andreas. I forgave myself that, because I never felt that the pain I caused Peter wasn't deserved. Even Andreas forgave me. Everything went fine and I had my kiss of freedom. I guess I'm just a spoiled brat.

On friday, I'm going to a party with Pernille and Naja. It's at Naja's school and I know there'll be some cute guys amongst. One in particular - my type. It scares me. One part of me tells me that I shouldn't be afraid, cause I'd never be able to get a guy there anyways. Another part of me says 'what if!'. I discussed this with myself. The conclusion is that as long as I don't kiss, touch inappropriate places or have sex with anyone, it's not being unfaithful. Harmless flirting is okay and in my drunkness, I think it will satisfy whatever inexcusable desires I have.

I have to talk to Andreas, I need to set something straight.

Friday, September 9

I no longer have my mood swings, which is a great thing. I'm on my way to Christian's place, where I'll be spending the night. I can't wait to show off my new, uhm, shirt or lack thereof. Hehe. I spoke to Leah and what a huge relief. I know she understands me. She helped a lot. I love her. <3

Oh well, gotta go pack and do make-up 'n such.

Wednesday, September 7

The english language is so distant from reality to I - who have been speaking Danish my entire life. I think that is why, I at the moment prefers to write in Danish. Reality is kicking in, in so many ways, and all of a sudden I don't have time for that many things. I hardly ever do my homework - which has to begin immediately - and Christian is taking up a lot of my time. That's nice, I have to admit that. I no longer have my period, so him and I have begun having sex again. I can't believe how great it is. Not only, is he a beginner, but he's also smaller than Peter and doesn't last as long as he did. Yet, it's one of the best feelings in the world. He's great.
Also, I'm beginning to take the bike to school. The ride is wonderful! I'll take some pictures tomorrow, actually. I might even post some here. The landscape is beautiful, especially in these mornings. Denmark is great right now and I use the word 'great' too much.

One thing is bothering me, apart from my current mood-swings. Every morning I have to drive by Magnus' house. Reminder; Magnus is the first boyfriend I ever had. He's so amazing, so sweet and so fantastic. He is the definition of fantasticamazincredible. I haven't spoken to him in a while and I don't think I'm on his MSN list any longer. I even heard rumors that the only reason why he agreed to be my boyfriend back then (4-5 years ago) was that I asked in such a sweet way. Besides from that, Magnus is hot. He's so gorgeous and I fall instantly in love with him everytime I see him. That's just.. Magnus. I remember sometimes telling Peter that Magnus was the one guy he should see as competition.
So what is really bothering me? The fact that Magnus has girlfriend and they've been together for a year? That she's super-amazing, beautiful, just as crazy as him and that he loves her? Sure, that makes my heart itch a bit. Surely.
I can't help it. Everytime I pass his house; I think to myself - Christian is nothing compared to Magnus. I hate myself for having these thoughts, cause Christian is my very own Christian and I do care deeply for him. I just envy Nadia (Magnus' girlfriend) to such an extend that.. Argh, it tears me up. When I'm with Christian and I accidentially think of Magnus, I go numb and I don't feel comfortable. I look at Christian and think; What a dork.
I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts and I am aware of that. It's just how I feel. Even now, just writing about it, I feel all... Sad? Cheated? Stupid? It could've been me...
Oh I'm such a bitch. Stop me from having these thoughts.

On Saturday I'll go to Tivoli, the amusement park, with Christian again. I hope it'll be a blast, it certainly was the last time. I'm beginning to fear loosing him - I'm not afraid that he will break up with me. It's the other way around. I think I'm so scared of this commitment, that I begin to doubt my feelings. Andreas would've bitchslapped my sorry ass till I got a grib. There's no way in hell I'll ever hurt Christian, even if it means I'll stay with him till the very end - even if I hated him!
He's so caring all the time. He makes me feel good about myself, even in these times, when I have these awful moodswings. The moodswings! They're probably the reason why I doubt everything. Oh, save me from this misery.
If this is Yasmin all over again, I don't know what to do... Damnit, I really hope it isn't. I'll just.. die!!

I hope to write here again soon. I won't let this journal down, I've had it since september.