Sunday, August 28

Picture: Sister

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Laura and I... 1 or 2 years ago. <3

Picture: My new mobile

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This is my new mobile phone I bought for 300dkk. It's a Motorola V547.

Picture: Maja and Annia

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Taken in the bus, during the trip from the warm-up party on our way to

the introduction party. It's Maja and Annia. We had a blast !

Picture: Astrid and Andreas

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This is taken at the introduction party as well. It's Astrid and

Andreas, Andreas trying to make Astrid start smoking. I tried to talk

her out of it and polite Andreas asked me to shove it. I don't think

Astrid ever tried, although she was close.

Picture: Drunken Jan...

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This is Jan at the introduction party.. He's oh so very drunk and doesn't wabt me to take the picture. More pictures to come...
I'm ill. I caught the flu. I'm in my pyjama, missing out on work, on Christian, on fun. Tomorrow, if I don't go to school I'll reach 66% in Gym, meaning, I'm not well standing. I'll also miss out on one of the intro-teams, where we'll be learning about the library system. And it's the day I get to go home earlier than all the others. Bad, bad day to not go to school. But I'm afraid it will have to be that way.

Meaning, I don't have to do my homework. That's a positive thing. And I'll get to be home all day without my mother. Sigh. Brilliant, cause she's really on my nerves lately.

Christian and I slept together recently. I'm surprised how well it went. It didn't hurt, I didn't feel bad about myself, it wasn't akward and I think he liked it (understatement of the year!). He's wonderful. I had a "Pay me a compliment, Melvin, I need one" conversation with him the other day, where I basically told him that sometimes a girl just needs to be confirmed, that's all. Especially after something as vulnerable as sex. He said he wasn't good at giving compliments, but that he'd try. Thing about Christian is, he doesn't know that he does it, but sometimes he gives the best compliments ever.
For example, he said to me, "Look at us, how we're lying. How can you possibly think I don't have feelings for you?"
That was one of the cutest things I've ever heard him say. Yet, he thinks a compliment is one of the following "You are sweet", "You are funny" or "You are pretty". It just doesn't do it. Anyways, I also told him "I care so much for you- and if you say 'you too' I'll kill you.". He never said he cared for me back. It's not the same as saying "I love you"! I don't love him yet, so I won't tell him.
- I like you
- I care for you
- I love you
... I think it's like that. We're past like. We're not at love yet. I just hope he's past like as well. I hope I haven't slept with someone who didn't care for me. That would be... Awful.

On Saturday, I'm taking Andreas shopping. We haven't done that since the day I gave Peter his first blowjob. What a nice comparison. Anyways, this time I'll have loadsa money and he will as well, so I bet it'll be great. I still have one great concern - Will we go to Fields or Fisketorvet?

When I was at Christian's place, I fell asleep again. As I tried to talk, to let him know I wasn't sleeping, well, I was still asleep, so I talked out of my dream - "it's just like math class.. you bring out the papers and go say..."
That's a classic next to "You'll never make it to Germany!"

Monday, August 22

I really don't do well in German class. I found some phrases that will help me tomorrow though.

  • Mein Leben ist nur ein Haufen Kacke
  • Was machst Du da für Scheiße?
  • Das geht dich einen feuchten Dreck an
  • Du bist ein verdammter Wichser
  • Hurensohn
  • Das ist nicht was dein Vati im BETT gestern Nacht gesagt.
  • Du machst mich krank

Wish me luck.

Sunday, August 21

Mark Feehily is gay.

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This guy, the guy I've fancied ever since I saw him for the first time, the guy I've always put as #1 on all 'hottest guys' lists I could find, the guy whom I was meant to marry - Mark Feehily. My idol, my dream-guy, my one and only. IS GAY...
He came out of his little closet thursday night. Lise called me Friday morning to tell me, and I've been paralysed, in some kind of state of shock ever since. I can't really understand it. It's like a dream and I can't wake up. I can't recall how many times I've said; "I'd love it if he was gay!"
Now that it's real.. I don't know. He's not the stereotypical gay, I'd say. He's... but God damn, he's gorgeous and hot and beautiful.. Look at him!

I guess I'll live. It's just difficult to understand. Of course I'll be his supporter, 100%.

But I've been living a lie!!

This is his boyfriend, Kevin Mcsomething.. Hi Kevin. Fancy a 3some? ;-)
It feel so good to finally get my closure. It's like a stone has been lifted off my shoulders. I can move on now. I won't think about him no more, at least not like before. Now he's a part of my past and not a part of my present.

I miss Christian. He hasn't written me all day. His grandparents are visiting, plus he has some homework to do. So do I, but still... I miss him. I wish I could be with him tonight, but I doubt it will happen. Instead, I guess I'll just do my homework, watch some tv and just relax.

The weather is surprisingly hot again. The sun is shining over Denmark. Is it some kind of sign? Again, my life resembles a movie.

Oh, but I love it. It'll be fun to get back at school, start the week all over. I think I'll ride my bike to school. I won't go until about 10'oclock, as I've decided to go see the doctor. I want to know for sure if I have to wait till the end of my next period to have sex. If I'm wrong, I'll be seeing Christian tomorrow night, that's for sure. I no longer feel bad about having sex, thank God.
My skipping the two first periods tomorrow, may have something to do with the fact that we have gym. But only maybe. Yeah yeah, skipping periods is a bad way to begin a school year, I know.

Life rules.
Here's what I told Peter, when he unblocked me for the first time since we broke up;

"Oh right, you know the night we spoke to each other at Cappelen's place?
I was pretty drunk, and I said some things I didn't mean to say."

Peter: Like what?

"Like "I'm sorry"."

Peter: What did you want to say?

"That you really had no idea how hurt I had been. That I regretted awfully little. I regretted that I started everything at LAN and I regretted telling you about Andreas. That you, by doing what you did, got a pretty got aim at my dignity. No one likes to be held tight towards the bed. That you absolutely NEVER ever not at all EVER in ANY WAY should feel like the victim in this relationsship.

You got your closure. I never got mine.
It's hard to begin all over, when I haven't even finished what once was.

If it wasn't because of Christian, I would still have had it unusually bad with myself. I still do, but not that much.. I've cried so much. You ruined what felt as everything, but in reality it was nothing. It has been so painful to think about that you've been walking around and actually thinking that I have felt bad."

Peter: Okay.

"And now I got my closure. It's up to you if you still want to talk to me."

Peter: It doesn't change a thing.

"I've needed to tell you these things. Now I got nothing left to say to you. Still, I have so many bad memories. Every time I see your name on the MSN list, I'll automatically think back on the many times I slept with you, only because I was afraid you'd might hold me to the bed and do it anyways. So I'm deleting you from my MSN list and asking you not to write me again. I'm done."
I fell asleep around 1.30 last night, because I'd been at Christian's place. His mother was out of the house, so we just sat on the couch and watched 'Finding Nemo'.

We got into bed and just spooned. I fell asleep, but never admitted it. Although, I did reveal myself when I said things like "you'll make it to Germany!", because of some dream I'd had.
He followed me home around 1 o'clock and I slept around 2. Got up at 5.30, because I had to be at work at 7. When I met at work, though, I was told that I should've met at 8, but I was so very welcome to stay. Grrr.

Then something saved my day... I went to Netto to say hi to Andreas and to buy some fruits. When he saw me he gave me a great big hug. I can still feel it. Arhh, sometimes, all it takes, is a hug from a best friend. Great.

Saturday, August 20

The introduction party was last night. There's not much to tell.. I gained new aspects of many of my new friends and I took some great pictures. The warm-up party was being held at Nick's place- he has a pool and two cute dogs. We all got pretty drunk and decided not to go to the school until 19o'clock. The funniest thing about it all was the bustrip to the school, I couldv'e sat there forever. We sat in the back all singing 'by the rivers of babylon' really loud. We were drinking and laughing and it was great. When we came to the school, the fun kinda went off.
The first thing I saw was Jan standing on the stage, not being able to stand up straight. He was waving back and forward looking like someone who was about to crash any second. Andreas' Ida had already gone up there to check on him. When she went away I got up there and got him and led him to the men's room. Andreas and Ida came out later to check on him. We were taking so much care of him until he finally was able to stand and think again. I then went to sit with the boys from my class. Especially Rasmus. I really like Rasmus. If I had been single, I had definitely tried to be with him. (I can imagine Leah say 'eww' right about now)
He's Peter's best friend from school, so it would be some kind of bonus.

Anyways, Astrid, the new girl has got her fingers out for him. He's stupid if he doesn't try anything with her, cause she's beautiful. Astrid.. She's actually a very special girl. With her red hair and curls, freckles and skinny body, she looks like a little innocent school girl. But the way she talks and giggles makes her look like a nymphomaniac school girl. She likes my Rasmus. I'm curious now.

Ida, the girl from my class who's clutching to me like a bandage on a wound, annoyed me greatly. At Nicks warm-up party, she slapped me ! Not like an easy little slap, it was really hurtful and hard. She did it because, while she was talking to me (me being drunk) I looked away, laughed or something like that. She slapped me. First I thought to myself that it was okay, cause she WAS drunk and everything... Till she told me that she was not drunk. And thinking about it, I hadn't seen her drink anything, so it was very likely true. I do not like to be slapped and definitely not by her. I didn't do anything about it, but I lost huge amount of respect for her. I don't like her. At the party she dragged me to side... First because she'd seen me talk to Andreas. I'd told her that he'd been mean to me the other night (something about a comment he'd made...) and that I was upset with him. Apparently she didn't know that it was easy for me to make up with Andreas, cause she was very nervous on my behalf. That was irritating.
Then she dragged me to the side because she'd told Kristoffer that she liked long-haired Rasmus, but in reality it was Kristoffer she really, really fancied. First of all, you DON'T fancy Kristoffer! Second; she was drunk! It was a drunk mistake and she went absolutely CRAZY over it! While Astrid was giggling by our sides I told her that I would go out to tell Kristoffer that it was all a big misunderstanding. She didn't want me to do so. The small bit of care I had for her made me run away - directly outside to talk to Kristoffer. I told him that Ida was drunk and she didn't mean anything she said and that he shouldn't tell anyone. He'd almost forgotten. I saved her sorry ass. She came up to me and said she hated me and never EVER wanted to talk to me again... Afterwards she asked what I had said. I went to the bathroom.
Annia told us all how much she fancied one from 2.G called Christian and how he'd told her that he was in a relationsship. Cenneth had been with Thor who was too drunk to do anything.

Andreas, Jan and I went home at 9.30 pm. We walked all 9 kilometres. It was damn hard and I hated them for making me walk so much. Today, my feet hurt like hell. I can't even stand on them. I miss Christian and I miss the warm-up party. Drunkness is a good way to meet with people.

I hope this post will somehow get me back on track with this diary writing thing.

Wednesday, August 17

I just love it when you hear an old song and you realise you know every single word. I want to scream along to the song and just spin around on my chair!

Friday, August 12

So today was the fourth day of school. Everyday when I come home, I'm dead tired. My body has to get used to this kinda life again. I haven't really been at school for three months. I haven't really done anything at school for 2 years.
All of a sudden I have to make choices and have my priorities right. I have my family, Christian, school, my work, school parties, friends... It's difficult. All of a sudden I have too little time, and I've had too much time for.. ever!
I'm with Christian about every other night. It works that way. I miss him. Yet, I'm so awfully tired when I'm at his place, so I fall asleep. It's not so nice.

I'm not really in the mood for writing.

Tuesday, August 9

I bloody love the first day at school... not! The people in my class...

Ghadir- she was in 10th grade as well. Annoying! She annoys me. She was so negative, probably because she was nervous.
Seher- Same old, same old Seher...
Blond shy guy- don't remember his name. Blond, cute. Very quiet and shy.
D&D short hair- He's one of those Dungeon&Dragons types, who should have long hair, but has short hair instead. He reminds me of the type of guy who could quickly do a school massacre with a couple of AK47s. Just for the laugh of it. What his name is, that's a good question. I want to get to know him better, he reminds me of Rune, I think we could actually be friends or something like that. I like boys better than girls.
Long blond haired music guy- (Andreas) His name is Andreas. He plays drums and bas, I think. The quiet geeky type. I bet he plays great music, though.
Cenneth- SHE'S a quiet girl. It seems as if she's cared so much about her own looks that she's forgotten to get some friends or something.. Lack of personality.
Katrine & Katrine - the 'best friends forever' giggly type'a girls. Baaah.
Edith- She reminds me of someone from Farum, whom is the biggest bitch in the history of bitches. This girl is probably nice, but still.. she looks like a bitch!
Thor- Nik's sidekick. Like, get a personality! Please!
Nik- NIK! NIK! Let me tell you about Nik! NIK can't shut up, NIK asks stupid questions, NIK is an attention-seeking whore. I prefer Martinez ANY DAY. Gaaaarrhhhh... NIK!
Nicko- Nicko is just the typical foreigner-type with his 'gangsta' and 'hos' and 'in da hood'.. Eurgh.
Signe- Nicko's ho #1.
Ann-Sofie- Nicko's ho #2.
Christina- Red curly hair.. I thought of her as a girl I could might get along with someday. I wouldn't mind talking to her, that is. She might be nice.
Monique- Eww.. I mean, bloody hell. She's the kinda girl who looks at herself in the mirror and refuses to smile. Eww.
D&D Long hair- Dungeon&Dragons type. He's the other D&D's friend. I think he's very nice, actually I prefer him to the rest of the class. Rather him than anyone else.
Christoffer- Ethan Hawke, he reminds me of Ethan Hawke. The beard doesn't really fit him, but then again, it does. He seems so quiet, but I think he can just open up and have a huge laugh. Not the smart-ass type'a guy I know so well. Very gorgeous.
Ida- I spoke to her a bit... she seems nice, definitely not a bitch. She was just nervous, that's all. She might be a girl I could become friends with. I'm almost positively sure of that. She's 15 years old... I wonder how much experince she lacks that I have?
Henriette- One of Martinez' old classmates. We had that in common. It's difficult to talk to someone new, as you don't know how to react or what to say. I went with her home, though. She seems very, very nice. :-)
Trine- Baah. Boring.

Monday, August 8

I feel pathetic. It's because it IS pathetic. I can't sit still. I'm thinking of him, I miss him, I see no point in not being with him right now. Unfortunately, I have to go to bed at 9.30, cause I have to get up very, very early. 5.20 to be precise. I have to attend a spinning class at 6.15. The first day of training since.. ever. It'll be tough, very, very tough.
Tomorrow is the day I start at A.G.. My new school. I'm nervous, that's admitted. Very NERVOUS!
Gee... I'm scared to see my class, to be exposed to things I do not want to be exposed to. I can't make it without him. Him. Him. Christian! Argh. I can't even concentrate on writing. Him. I miss him!
I care so much for him.
We went on our second date tonight. First he took me to a restaurant and later to the movies. We saw 'war of the worlds'. Then we went home, he followed me to my door, we made out for five minutes or so till I finally had to let go of him. I missed him already, even though he was right beside me. It's so strange. I'm not scared anylonger. I've fallen for him. This great, great feeling. I miss him. I hate the fact that he's starting school tomorrow already. I pray to see him after his day is over. Yet, I dread for the fact that I have to go home early- as I promised Bjanka I'd go spinning tuesday morning. I have to get some sleep, as I'm starting school, 1cd, on tuesday.
I'm happy.

Sunday, August 7

I spent the night with Christian. I was supposed to be home around 1, as I had work this morning, but instead we ended up buying 4 cult energy drinks for me to stay up till 7.30 where I hurried home and went to work at 8. All night, we were just lying in his bed, kissing, touching, laughing. I got such great confidence, a confidence I never found within myself when I was doing the same thing (minus the laughter) with Peter. I explained Christian why I wasn't ready for sex.
He pretended it was okay, which was very cute. Giggle.
Sex ruined what there was to ruin between Peter and I. If things go wrong with Christian, it's just not... right. I don't want that to happen. I know I'm lousy in bed- and I know he's a virgin. I don't want to hold back during intercourse, but I do when I feel this bad about my body. Last night, though, I was stripped down to my sports-bra (Yes, I do wear it as a regular bra!) and baggy trousers. Though I felt vulnerable, he still stared at me as if I was the most sexy thing he had ever seen- and we're talking about a guy who collects pictures of naked porn stars. I liked that. He didn't get me to take the bra off, though. Not do-able.
Then, I want to be sure I'm gonna be with this guy for a while. The horror if we broke up in a month! It would be a terrible feeling, knowing that I'd slept with him. That's how I look at it. I want to make sure I want to have sex with him, before I go ahead and do so. That's fair. Right?
I wanted to last night... At one point. The vulnerability I felt (AND THAT I HAVE MY PERIOD) was the only things that held me back. Anyways, I started on my Cilest yesterday... If they're anything like Yasmin, I don't know what I'll do. I guess Christian will just have to wait even longer. Evil laugh, muhahaha.
Tonight, he's taking me out. Dinner, the movies, cab-ride home. I'm so crazy about this guy ! <3
He's learned to meet me half-way. He even admitted to be bad at showing emotions and he promised he'd do something about it and give it his best try. I'm telling you... When he said that, I felt like I was in love with him for real - for the first time since we started our relationsship. <3
Wish me luck tonight, I hope I don't look like a slut.

Tuesday, August 2

Mette is right now taking a shower. She's been a guest here since Sunday and it's great to finally have her back here in the capital area. I've used her as a diary at night, as the whole thing with Christian didn't turn out the way I thought. I expected him to be the perfect boyfriend, yet now he's proven me wrong. Thing is with Christian and I, to the public eye, we're not a couple. When we see each other, we just say hi. Like two thirteen year olds who doesn't know how to act in front of each other. I think it's a bit embarrassing. I know I'm thinking if he's ashamed of me.
Last night, I tried to tease him by sucking on a lollipop. He just looked at me plainly and went back to talking about computers. I've never felt less sexy. I followed him to the door and confronted him. He said he was shy. He said he didn't like to "snog and make out" in public and when we were in small groups. I said to him that all I wanted was a tiny KISS when we met. I don't think the boy thinks there's an alternative to ultimative snogging. Anyways, I didn't meet him half way. He said I put too much into it.
He walked home and on MSN I said to him that I didn't know if me saying that stuff, was pushing him away from me or dragging him closer. He said it wouldn't change anything. Which it maybe, should've.
I said to him, that I felt that he was putting too little in this and he felt that I was putting too much in this - let's meet half way.
The kid said that he couldn't just change who he was and start acting differently, cause that would just seem artificial.
I then said to him; well, the next time we see each other, I'll throw you to the ground, rip off your clothes and rape you right then and there. (and using his words:) that's just who I am, and if I tried to act differently, it would just seem artificial.

He said I'd made my point. Then he started joking. I did another example and logged off before he had a chance to say anything. I wanted him to know that I meant it seriously.

What is a relationsship, if you can't look apart from your own childish fears and lusts and just meet half way?

I just want to feel sexy and wanted around him. I want his desire for me to overshadow his fear of holding my hand in front of people. I want him to want me to that extend, where he doesn't find it in his heart NOT to kiss me whenever he can, cause that's how much he cares. I told him that I needed that confirmation. He said I was just being too insecure. I guess I should have told him that he wasn't exactly helping. I'm a girl, I need to know that my boyfriend cares for me. Especially when he doesn't even tell me. Sure, I get the occasional "I miss you" or "back to you" when I tell him that I miss him, but never more than that. Fuck, I hope it's because he's afraid. And not because of me.

Monday, August 1

No woman ever accepts a defeat, as no woman ever will be exposed to defeat.