Monday, June 27

Andreas and I met up last night, because I had to give him his mobile and he had to give me a VHS I needed to borrow. We found ourselves a bench and sat down. We started talking, first about last Thursday, stupid things we did and said. He felt bad about having put his hand on my thigh at one point, I hardly remembered it. He said that Christian had told him that I was nice but that he thought I shouldn't be his girlfriend. I was way too much in <3 with Christian to even let it get to me. Andreas said that maybe - perhaps, it's because Christian has just turned 18 and is still free to do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be obligated to something. Next year he graduates. I'll be waiting. <3

Andreas and I spoke till around midnight. Then it got chilly and we decided to go into a building. We found some kind of shed, a passage between the elevator and the building complex, with a pink madrass inside. We went inthere, bent the madrass and sat down. Andreas was nervous about Ida and he didn't know how he was going to kiss her. I leaned my knee against his and placed my hand on it. I told him to do the same. We went through how he was going to take her hand, while watching a movie. I leaned up against him, he leaned against me. My head was resting on his shoulder, he was cuddling my arm. I was cuddling his. I wanted to kiss him.
Then I started considering my intentions. I wouldn't do it of any other reason, than to get him back - in one way or the other. I knew he wanted to kiss me. He had his hints, but I knew he was too afraid. Everytime a silence came along, one of us would say "What are you thinking?"
I lied when he asked. I thought about how wonderful he was... How much I would damage our relationsship by being with Christian. How much I hated Ida for probably being so amazing. I thought about the pros and cons that came along with kissing him. I was actually a bit nervous !
He said he was very nervous. He held my hand so tight. I tried so hard to fall for him. I couldn't, I simply couldn't. We complimented each other.
It was a great, great night.
After 5 hours (!!) I had to go home, cause I had to get up early. We hugged goodbye and I knew that he wanted to kiss me again. We became so terribly close that night. It almost hurts. He is my best friend again.

But I won't quit on Christian. I want to win this! Even if I have to wait till he grows up.

I'm going to Fyn now... Wish me luck. Won't be back till Saturday.. Or if I'm lucky- Sooner!

Sunday, June 26

Okay. This is the first time I've had time to write this thing. I'm all lovey-dovey... Christian <3 <3


Thursday: I went to P.Ps place in Copenhagen, where we were gonna get terribly wasted and party through Copenhagen. Never before have I admitted to prefer Farum to Copenhagen. Anyways. I wrote with Andreas over MSN while getting drunk and after a lot of convincing and planning, we decided to go to Farum to drink with him and his brother. Before PP and I left, I thought; "Hey! Let's invite Christian!". It turns out, he was already invited and was actually sitting with the guys on the station, waiting for us. We got drunker on the way over there and I was a bit nervous of how to react on Christian. I mean the guy is... fantasticamazingincredible. I got as drunk as I possible could in 20 minutes and hugged all the guys when I got out of the train. They were very amazed by PPs height and called her smurf the whole night.

We spent the night in Farum, just walking around.
The station -> my place -> the park -> MKS school -> *don't remember...* -> SV school -> sat on a street corner.
Andreas and his brother went home, because Andreas felt a PAIN in his ass. He felt left out. Baah. Christian <3, PP and I continued.

Street corner -> gas station -> the beach -> the gasstation -> the bakery -> my place.

I don't remember how, but Christian left around 8 oclock. We came home around 7. This is Friday morning!
I've never held for so long, being drunk. I started at 10 oclock at night. Where we went, isn't so important. It's more what we did. I hardly remember the things I told Christian. I remember I said to him, as if it was the most normal thing to say; "If I was your girlfriend, I'd give you everything. Like, not EVERYTHING, but you know what I mean!"

Uhhm.. We said something something... Uhh.. Then I told him that I remembered the night where I hinted like CRAZY that I liked him and I knew it was because of my looks, he didn't like me. He almost got angry! "No, I never said that! Looks doesn't matter!"
Weee... Hehe.
At the beach, I remember that the most. It was 4-5 in the morning. The sun was coming up. We just sat there... Ok, so PP was there, and I did wish her away, but Christian and I. It was just.. magical. In our own teenage-drunkness-bad-breath-hair-out-of-order-way. He told me that it was because he didn't want a longlasting relationsship at the moment. I said to him; "Ohh no, not me either. It would just go wrong. I'd just end up hurting you, and I wouldn't be able to live with that."
The whole night actually, Christian and I talked. I was drunk, so I didn't mind talking back to him and treating him like everyone else. Oh, I remember I also told him "Don't worry- I really WAS over you. Till I saw you again this night."

Sigh.. Anyways. I fell asleep at 8 oclock the next morning, after having sent PP home again. I slept till 12, where the sun annoyed me so much that I couldn't sleep. I had the worst hangovers ever, but I didn't throw up. I hardly even regretted the night before. Not at all. Btw, apparently I had made the boys throw their shirts ("You spilled beer on my shirt." -Christian) and I saw Christian's chest. I remember that. Evil grin. Muahah.

That night, I was tired and enjoyed a long, warm bath. I had just sat down by my computer and started writing this diary, when Andreas and Christian started writing me on MSN in their semi-drunkness. They were drinking and they wanted me to come over badly. I had a choice.

1: make Rikkes present, sleep and get well till tomorrow's hard jobs.
2: go to Christians place, probably screw up, get drunk or flirt in sober condition with Christian, make an ASS of myself, get mugged on the way home, kill a kitten or crash his computer.

As you see, it's not a difficult choice. I'm a teenager in love.

When I arrived at Christian's place, it was a bit weird. He looked... wow. I just.. wow. I want to marry him and have his babies! I don't know how drunk they were. Andreas wasn't extremely drunk, but he couldn't type right. Hehe. Christian wasn't.. I think? A bit. I wouldn't drink, though. We chatted, listened to music. They did a Westlife parody performance with "Mandy"... lol. Hysterical. We went to the gasstation and they WOULDN'T let me bring my bike,cause I would just go home..! NOT allowed! Time passed... It was 3 oclock when Andreas fell asleep on the floor. There I was, sitting with Christian, talking, laughing, drinking coffée for the first time, joking, watching music videos, quickly going through the previous night's funny stuff... being friends. At half past 6, I went home. Not having slept at all. I took a shower and went to work at half past 7. I worked till 2 - so, so, so hard. I've never been more tired before in my life. I was a wreck.
I travelled for 2-3 hours, to get to Rikkes place.

I met her friends, family and boyfriend.
I like her friend's a lot. By the way, I love her friend Niels and I want to marry him and have his babies. So WOW! Hehe. Her boyfriend is THE BIGGEST DICKHEAD IN THE WORLD!! I don't even know what to tell her, when she asks me what I thought about him.

I went home at 7.30.. I was home at 10. I slept, oh I SLEPT GOOD!

I never told you about The Banana Guy, have I? When I was at the LAN-party last March, where I first got touchy-feely with Peter. The Banana Guy was the one who stood behind the counter, where they sold candy and soda. I was feeling very bad in my stomach and needed a banana, as they calm things down. I asked for a banana and the guy behind the counter started joking about what banana I could have, where I could put it, how big it was, etc. He had a laugh. He was so so so so so so so so so so so so soooo charming! I was so flattered.. I mean. So my type, like! My heart beat like crazy whenever I saw him. He joked a lot every time he saw me, cause he found my banana-need very funny. Anyways. I haven't seen him since, but I remember him.
Saturday when I was working, he came in the store! I think he might have remembered me, cause he was joking a lot. Him and his friend hadn't slept all night and well, neither had I. They said "We would have brought you a guitar and played for you!" and stuff like that. I couldn't add up 28 + 28 and they found that amusing as well.
Anyways, it meant a lot to me. I love him, I want to marry him and have his babies.

I find myself missing Christian like crazy. I do.. So much it hurts. But feels good at the same time. Don't worry, it's just a crush! ;-)

Friday, June 24

I don't even know how to start this.

C: You're very sweet.
S: Okay... Just sweet.
C: Argh, I'm telling you that I'm flattered!
S: Oh, right, flattered, I can totally use that.
C: You're impossible, there's just no pleasing you! What do you want me to say?
S: Uh, try with 'I love you'? Don't worry, I don't love you.
C: No, no, I know, it's just a crush.
S: Yeah. Crush.

Drunken conversations are just so... honest.
Oh, you are in for a TREAT! When I come back later on, I'll tell you about last night. I got drunk with Andreas, Andreas' brother, P.P and Christian!
More about that when I return! ;-)

Wednesday, June 22

Oh oh oh! By the way! Andreas spoke to Christian about me. *blush*

Christian had said; "I think Sofie made a huuuuuuuge pas at me the other day!"

Hehe. Andreas asked how that felt, whereas he answered; "I was very flattered!"

Heh, poor guy.
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking: How did it go today with Andreas?

And I will tell you. There was definitely a tension between us, as neither of us were feeling superior in any way. It was like being naked with each other. You're vulnerable and don't know where to look. We bought what we had to buy and went back to my place. We watched some Zoolander, ate the strawberries and chit-chatted. He got Peter's stuff and is returning them now. Peter wanted to go get them himself, but I said it was either through Andreas or the trashcan. I wonder how he'll react.

Andreas is nice. He is going for Idas heart and somehow I hope he gets it, for his sake. I think he needs her - but I have the feeling she can and maybe will break his heart. And that, he doesn't need. He needs a girl who likes him before he likes her... Cause he falls so easily in love.
I love that guy, he has been the best friend I've ever had.

I think we've all learned a lesson:

Once you label someone a "friend", you have the risk of loosing them.

Tuesday, June 21

Am I pathetic for actually releasing a tiny, tiny smile reading this line;

"My bigbrother isn't at much help. His fiancée is in a mental instutution and will probably break up soon."

My mind wanders off into 'if I married Andreas brother...'...

I'm still chatting to Andreas. Mostly about Ida, I'm trying not to talk about myself. I'm twisting my hands, biting my tongue, scratching my arms... The jealousy is kicking in. I get jealous of everything and everyone, I can tell you this. And now Ida. I feel like taking a pillow and screaming into it.

MOVIE IDEA: We see something black, we don't know what it is. It unblurs and becomes the bottom of a bed. We stroll to left, untill we see the attic. We're lying underneath the bed. We hear a loud supressed scream. Somehow we see a girl, screaming down a pillow.

Andreas is coming over tomorrow.. We'll enjoy some whipped cream and strawberries and we'll watch Zoolander. Why do I feel nervous? Why do I feel like I have to impress him? Now I'm fighting for his friendsship, how great is that?
"Ida, she's... she's very pretty," he said, "She's blonde, short, has glasses and long hair-" - SHE'S EVERYTHING YOU'RE NOT, SOFIE!!!
I'm listening to "Not strong enough to say no" by Blackhawk right now. You can just write me if you want it sent, okay?
Anyways, when I listen to it, I can close my eyes and see the Italian mountains. I can feel the Italian sun, I can smell the bus we drove and I can just hear this song. I clearly remember our trip to Salarno. I was missing Peter at that time. I just sat there, enjoyed my life, not knowing what was coming my way. This song just reminds me a whole lot about that.

Speaking of Peter, I've made him a present, consisting of:
1 stuffed animal he won for me in Tivolo
A video I borrowed from his brother
A roll of letters I wrote to/about him in Italy- from the days where I was in love with him.
The necklace he bought for me
The keys for his handcuffs, which I stole from him, because I was terrified that he was going to use them one day, without my permission.
The pictures I have where he's the only person on.
His socks
His t-shirt I slept in.
And a keyring I found at his place.

I wanted to give him the toothbrush I got from him aswell, but I can't find it anywhere.
Andreas is going to give him all of this. It makes me feel great, actually.
Andreas asked me if I could be in the same room as Peter and Jan. Apparently, now Jan also has a problem with me. Fuck him. Anyways, first I said that I didn't care, but then I thought that I did. Andreas wants to throw a small party, so that Ida (his beloved x) can meet his friends. Problem is, he has to choose. It's good that he chose Peter and Jan, cause if I have to meet his Ida, I can't be drunk or affected by other people present. I try hard not to gave any negative feelings towards her, cause I don't know her, but she's taking Andreas away from me.
Then again; I know how it used to be for Andreas to listen to all my boy-crap.
I'm not in love with Andreas, but I do love him as a friend. If he could just be a friend... But he can't. I feel like he's build up a wall and I'm not allowed inside.

I wrote a song about Andreas.

Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas a spotted puppy?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas ten-wheeled BMW?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas dish you eat with spaghetti?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas a sticky thing on your pillow?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas a squirrel being curbed?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Andreas is a naughty little guy,
Is Andreas what you think you are, when you're drunk?
No, Andreas is a naughty little guy

Cute attempt to get him back, don't you think? Heck, I can do worse. Or is this my lowest point so far?

I bought my iPod - a green one. It was the only one they had left, so that was pretty easy, thank god. Thomas behind the counter teased me. He's a handsome and great guy, I like him.
But my USB is a 1.1 and it has to be a 2.2.. Uh.. That will be taken care of tomorrow - I surely hope so! Grr.

I should go to spinning tomorrow. I will! I have to! Oh God, help my ass of its chair!!!

Monday, June 20

I dreamed Peter was trying to kill me. He had hired a girl to do it. The scenario was very, very strange.
Movie idea: movie feat. illustrated dreams. Strange platforms, scenarios. Colours. White background. Clothes. Languages. Analyse-able.

Tomorrow I'm renting two books I've always wanted to rent. They're called "Movie, tales and seduction I & II". When I had my internship week at Zentropa, Anders told me to loan these books, because he studied them while studying movies at the University. I'm going to do that tomorrow, cause they're finally available!

And I'm going to buy an iPod mini! YAY! It'll be interesting which colour it'll be, hmmm.

I cleaned my room. I opened the drapes. The sun came in. Ok, now they're closed again, because it's getting later and darker, but they have been open today.

I followed my diet today.

I went to Lea*'s and apologised for being a bitch.

Today is the second day of my pill-break.

Again, there's a symbolism in my life. I wish I could take a picture. Make a movie, or something to show this horrid symbolism. I'm sitting inside, the room is somewhat grey - very messy, smelly - and I got my drapes closed. Outside, I see through the cracks - the sun is shining. The world is perfect. I stay inside. I choose my own loneliness and sadness. I am going to clean up now, open the drapes, take a shower and go grocery shopping.

Saturday, June 18

It's a miracle. There are only 50 days left of the vacation! I miss-counted! Yay!
Just spoke to Andreas and aired the thought of him getting this blog address. I can't figure out of it's just a sad attempt to get him back, or if I sincerly wish he understood me. What he said to me, was that he didn't want to read about me trashing Peter - assuming that I was trashing Peter. As this is my blog and I can and will write what I want, I didn't want to "just slip him the address" as he later said. I said to him that it had to wait.
I guess if he wanted to understand me, and the relationsship of Peter and I, he would have accepted it. If he wanted to go back to the way things were, he'd accept it. But no. In this huge argument there has been between all of us in the last couple of weeks, I lost him. He is now "left" with Jan, Peter, Christian and the bonus price: Ida.
I have... nothing.
I don't understand why he seems more bitter than me. The poor thing is tired of arguing, tired of me and tired of problems. I guess he's been struggling with some pretty harsh feelings - if he's been crushing on me during my Martinez, Peter, Henrik, Kasper (his b.b) and Christian period. Now that he's the guy I'm focusing on, the table's turned and I'm the one having a hard time being jealous at all his friends and Ida. What comes around, goes around.
I get to taste my own medicine and that is probably fair enough. I can't really say that it's unfair, though that is how it feels.
In one hour and twelve minutes, there will only be 58 days left. I can't wait! Isolation, fuck you!

I miss the past so much. Right now, every part of the past would be okay for me. Boarding school? Bring it on. Martinez-crush? Sure! Anything better than this.
The fucking longest vacation of my life.
Before you criticize someone, try to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when they get mad, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. you should go check out this blog. Although, I still claim my right to write about my grocery shopping spree.
When I went to grocery shop for mum today, I was bitter. Yasmin's faulth, I guess. My hair was all wrong, my clothes was too tight, I felt sweaty and the weather was.. danish! My pants got stuck in my bike all the time, and the sadel kept turned in all different directions. I was bitter, so to say. I'd only driven 50 meters when I ran into the usual clusters of immigrant families, and I automatically became more irritated, till this little boy suddenly gets a terrified look on his face and shouts "Watch out for the white--" and pointed at a shoehorn, about two meters away from my bike-wheel. The poor thing was afraid I'd run it over and crash. First I thought it was because it was his and he didn't want me to break it, but when I looked back over my shoulder, he had walked past it, leaving it on the ground. I realised that I could make an entire movie with that single message; it's the small things that matter in the end. That's the thing I remember the most about the trip to the super market and back. Funny.

For 1,5 week I haven't been excersising, eating healthy nor felt good about myself. Of course, I've had my moments. I get the feeling that once I get that iPod I'll start working out, but then again... No wait, I really will. Cause then I'll be able to go exercise alone. Listening to my music. MY MUSIC. It calmes me. And I need that. If I go to the gym every morning - I'll do 30 minutes biking, walking, stepping, etc. and I'll do my arm-, breast-, stomach-, leg and back-muscles. Then I'll probably do another 15 or 30 on the bikes. It'll take me, what... 1-2 hours. Then I might do some spinning in the evening - what matters is, that then the spinning (which I tend to love) will feel like I'm doing something EXTRA, and that'll make me more motivated. I got my WeightWatchers points guide now. I got Dr Phils sons book. I got 58 days left to do it in. What do I need? Andreas.

Since Andreas started telling me about Ida, his ex-girlfriend, and how he's beginning to like her and he thinks she likes him as well - that she's coming home today, and that he's probably gonna spend most of his time with her. And that I shouldn't count on his time any longer- it's all just been a mess. I felt as if I lost Andreas. I had to constantly remind myself that he was a guy and that he probably thought like one as well, and when he said things like:
I was only a fantastic friend to you, because I had a crush on you. Now I have a crush on Ida, I can only be your good friend.

... he probably didn't mean any harm. He's just being honest. I hate it when they do that. :(

My confidence is hitting rock bottom. It's all Yasmin's faulth - Yasmin is my pills.

I told Martinez about my infidelity against Peter. I told him that he didn't know the guy I'd kissed. All he said was "Ok" and he hasn't spoken to me since. Wow, what a great person I am.

No really, I can't pretend that what Mette and Sophie said to me didn't help. I lay thinking about it last night. Somehow I remembered every sentence and word. It doesn't happen often, but I couldn't imagine a fair way to reply them. I was speechless. Now you know- the way to shut me up for good, is to give me compliments. Heh.
I also realised that I probably needed to get myself together. I can't just give up everything. Somehow I managed to trick these poor fools into actually thinking other than bad about me - and I guess that's a gift in itself. Is "appreciative" a word? *Looks it up*
It is! So:
I've never been more appreciative about friends before in my life. I have to hold on to those I have, and not take anything for granted. Put them in front of me. Why does that sound so difficult?

Last night I went to Bjankas place. We watched 3 movies, "Zoolander", "The Grudge II (Japaneese version)" and "Collateral" - I think Collateral is a great film, but I kept falling asleep, so I only saw clips of it - and the end. I can tell you this; someone dies. I don't know who, cause I didn't get to know any of the characters. Anyways, it was a great night. I made the best fruit salad ever imaginable! She made the best non-fat dressing. And dinner. It was a great night and it made me smile and forget about everything else. I have nothing to complain about.

Wednesday, June 15

When I came home today, by the way, my mum had thrown a surprise party for me. My dad had come and they all had gifts for me. It made me feel good. It made me feel like I actually had something to work hard for. Once I buy my Superman bag from Field's, everything will be okay. Once I get my Ipod mini, I'll be happy. Once I start the new diet, everything will be great. Must think positively. Everything happens for a reason.
Today was the last day of 10th grade. I got my diploma. All that is boring.

I haven't written much lately. I guess I have to let the past 14 days fly past me. I have to ignore some of the bad things and I have to make this the beginning of something new and good. From now on, I'll take the bad as it comes. I'll handle it with care and wisdom. My name means "wisedom", did you know that?

I wish I was Leah. I really, really wish I was Leah in every single way. If I had Leahs body, face and hair, I wouldn't feel so bad about myself. I wouldn't feel bad about the clothes I wore or the food I ate. I would have a great self-confidence. If I had Leahs boyfriend - and if I was in love with him - I wouldn't have the troubles with unreachable boys. If I had Leahs taste in music, I wouldn't have had a rubbish year at TSE with judgements. If I had Leahs style - Leahs indie-thing, I'd know who I was. If I was Leah, I wouldn't be confused all the time. Leah always makes the right choices. Leah knows everything. She takes one day at a time, she doesn't weep over stupid things. I want to be Leah. She's my role model, I guess. I love her to bits. No matter what she does with her life, she'll have success, cause she won't be able to go anywhere without creating great friendsships. Cause everyone loves her. Even from distance.

I'm not Leah, I'm Sofie. I fucked up my entire confidence, circle of friends, life for that matter. That's me. I'm Sofie and I call people when I'm drunk. I tell them things they don't need or want to know. I won't hang up no matter what. I'm Sofie. I cheat on the best boyfriend a girl can ask for. I'm Sofie. I fuck up every good friendsship I get. Cause I hurt people on purpose. I'm Sofie. When I like a guy, I tell him. If he doesn't like me back, I cry. I'm Sofie. I'm fat, I know it, but I still eat like a pig. I'm Sofie. I can't keep a diet. I'm Sofie. I lie to people, so that I won't have to ride my bike up hill. I'm Sofie. I'm lazy. I'm not Leah. I'm Sofie. Tell me what to be proud of?

62 days left of the vacation. The longest fucking vacation of my life.

Tuesday, June 7

Brad Pitt is working in Netto, ladies and gentlemen, Brad Pitt has a job in Netto! I saw him today. He was in disguise, wearing his clever little name tag with a different name on it. Clever boy, that Brad Pitt. It's a good way for him as well, getting away from all the making of movies, interviews, the press, photoshoots, hot affairs and Jennifer Aniston, Netto is the way!
I wanted to ask him what he was doing there, if he enjoyed making 'Mr & Mrs Smith', if I could get Jolie's phone number, if he wanted to have a drink one day and if he ever considered doing a sequel to 'Se7en' called '8ight', but right before the questions popped out of my mouth, I thought to myself; "No. You can't disturb him in public. He doesn't want anyone to reveal his true identity."
Then he looked at me and said; "69,95."
I'll never forget the look he had in his eyes, as I handed him the hundred kroner bill. It was a mixture of boredom, tire and carelessness. He gave me money back. Our hands touched. As I slowly walked away, I couldn't help but sigh. Yet another day, where I end up discovering that I have a celebrity stalker. Poor Brad. He never wanted me to know.

Saturday, June 4

It did me good to get away from home, even if it was barely for a day. I went directly from work, yesterday, to the station where I picked up Pernille. We went to Najas place, and on our way, we bought some dinner. At Najas place we watched "the gangs of new york", which was a bad movie, or at least not the best, and then went to sleep. It was great, especially because Naja and Pernille are so nice and so easy to be with, compared to those boys who've wrecked my head. They also kinda reminded me of why I left Peter in the first place. Who needs boys when they have friends like that?

The only thing I have left to worry about now, is this feeling of being very alone. I don't have anyone to go to at night any longer, it's very rare and expensive when it finally happens, cause I have to call in some friends from far away - or I have to go to them. When I start at A.G, I'll be alone again. I won't have Jan and Andreas backing me up. Seher isn't going to be in my class afterall. The summer vacation suddenly feels very, very long. I'm starting at A.G on August 9th.
I wonder how everything will go.

Today I bought "Zoolander" and "Good Will Hunting".

Friday, June 3

You know what? Some people go through life, not having ONE real friend. When I searched through those quotes last night, I realised something. I have real friends. I have Mette, who matches every single quote. I have Linda. P.P, Naja, Merete... I have loadsa amazing friends! Unnie. Ina. They would all be there for me, if I only asked them to. I wish I could be that kind of friend to them as well. I do my best. I hope I had my last cry last night. Tonight I'm going to Pernille or Najas place. Just to get away from this place, to get my mind off things. I can't wait.

I'm working today, from 15-18. Also a good way to get my mind off things.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Thursday, June 2

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else."
- Len Wein - Sent by Paulo Louro

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
- Elbert Hubard

"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrick

"You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed."
~ Sent by Mayza Blanco Martinez

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."
- ?
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By thought, this is what I've done. I've created my own downfall. Jan hates me. Peter means it. Andreas is just a big fat wimp. Henrik and Kasper have planned for me to come over and get drunk with them friday night. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my life.
I wrote Jan and asked if Peter would ever get over it and take me back as a friend. Somehow that ended in Jan reminding me of all the awful things I've done, the mess I've caused and the hearts I've broken. If I was to keep only one of the boys as my friends, it would be Jan. He's being an ->

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Wednesday, June 1

Everything collapsed last night.

[20:03:35] San Andreas : Sofie, Peter asked me to write you this.
[20:03:37] San Andreas : Please tell Sofie, that the time we have been together has been the best time in my life. I've never felt that way before, the way I feel about her. The time we were together, I felt as if I was worth something, and wasn't just some boy who wasted his life by attending 10th grade and I'll miss her more than anything else. I know I won't get her back, and that tortures me more than anything else. But we'll never get back what we had, and that's fine (no, it really isn't) cause I don't think I can handle being hurt one more time. Thank you for all that you have given me, I will never forget your nor the things we did together. I wish you good luck in your future and I hope you find someone to love just as much as I love you. Bye my love.

[20:05:00] San Andreas : He needs to say it...
[20:05:09] San Andreas : Let him do it. Don't write him!

[20:21:17] San Andreas : "can't you also tell her that the reason why I sent her those clichées was because I was trying to get her back, and I'm sorry I hurt her."
[20:35:27] Sofie: Do not tell me what to do and not to do. If I want to tell Christian that I get turned on by guys making out and that I collect Pamela Anderson pictures - I'll do it! If I want to go over there and nicely offer Christian a blowjob - that's what I'll do! And if I want to choose my friends over a boyfriend - I will do it! And if I want to call Peter up and yell at him till the extend where he considers suicide - I WILL DO IT! I will do EXACTLY what I want and that's final. I decided that while I stood in the shower CRYING MY EYES OUT over you, Peter, Christian, Jan, Johan, the troubles, the lack of friends who understand more than nothing and a confidence that has sunk so low that it's hard to breathe for the filthy dirt.

[21:34:05] Sofie: When he says what he says, something else happens as well. We have to make a choice now. You can't cut him off as a friend. We can't be together as a group no longer. You're gonna have to choose... and I don't doubt Jan's decision.
[21:36:54] San Andreas : No one can choose between friends.

[21:37:27] Sofie: but you know it will happen.
[21:37:35] San Andreas : Jan perhaps, but not me.

[21:38:37] Sofie: you know it'll happen. or else you'll lose both Peter and Jan.
[21:38:47] San Andreas : No.

[21:38:56] San Andreas : Peter doesn't mind me being friends with you.
[21:39:07] Sofie: We can't be together as a group.

[21:39:15] San Andreas : Jan doesn't care, and if it comes to it, he can do whatever he wants. We can't be together as a group - not with Peter. Maybe not with Jan. We can build up a new one. With Christian?
[21:40:45] Sofie: No.

[21:41:56] San Andreas : It sounds like you don't want to be with me.
[21:42:05] Sofie: That's a bad idea. besides, no matter how thoughtless choices he makes once in a while, Jan is still too fantastic a person, to make me want to let him go.

[21:42:11] Sofie: Don't make this about you.
[21:42:16] * San Andreas went offline
[21:42:53] * San Andreas was blocked

I cried all night. And today I got a letter from AG; my future gymnasium. I wasn't accepted to the path I wanted to go. Instead I got accepted on ENGLISH (A), GERMAN (A) and COMMUNITY CLASS (B)... I can't do German on A level. This is shit. Crap, crap, crap.