Tuesday, May 31

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I'm very depressed. The thing about Christian really put me down. You wold think I was used to it by now. Let's just - for the sake of it - make a list.

  • Magnus:
For how long did I like him before he knew: About 2-3 weeks.
Which way was he told: Officially, through Sara at Victor's place, but he knew before that, as he heard what we were saying, when we covered the phone with our hands.
Did he like me back: Yes.
What happened: We were at Victors place and agreed to be together. We didn't see each other for 5 or 6 days, and when we did, I hid in the bathroom. He broke up.
How long did it last afterwards: It didn't. I'll always be very very fond of Magnus, though.
Nice-ness-factor: 100%

  • Mehmet:
For how long did I like him before he knew: Can't have been more than 2-3 weeks!
Which way was he told: I pranked-called him for a while, till he found out it was me and asked me to stop. I called him up and said; "YOU WANT ME TO STOP!? Fine! I wish I had never fallen in love with you!"
Did he like me back: Uh-no. But he was flattered.
What happened: He was in shock. We txted each other all night. I don't remember what about.
How long did it last afterwards: I was in love with him for 1,3 year.
Nice-ness-factor: 60%

  • Casper Jensen:
For how long did I like him before he knew: 2-3 weeks... (beginning to see a pattern.)
Which way was he told: Through many, many girls... And me.
Did he like me back: NO!
What happened: He started hating me.
How long did it last afterwards: NOT for that long. I think it ended right there and then.
Nice-ness-factor: 0,5%

  • LasseFrom:
For how long did I like him before he knew: 4 months!
Which way was he told: Via MSN. I bared my soul.
Did he like me back: Not particularly.
What happened: After I'd helped him through his crush on Rollo, I told him. I've never had guy being so nice to me as he was that night.
How long did it last afterwards: For quite a while! 3-4 months.
Nice-ness-factor: Then, 100%. Now, 5%

  • Martinez:
For how long did I like him before he knew: Managed to keep it straight for 2-3 months.
Which way was he told: Via MSN.
Did he like me back: No.
What happened: He made me cry, the sonofabitch.
How long did it last afterwards: 2 months, with weekly breaks.
Nice-ness-factor: Martinez is as Martinez is!

  • Peter:
For how long did I like him before he knew: He knew immediately.
Which way was he told: Via text messaging.
Did he like me back: YES!
What happened: I fell in love with him and texted it to him.
How long did it last afterwards: 2-3 days.
Nice-ness-factor: 101%

  • Christian:
For how long did I like him before he knew: *sigh* 2-3 weeks...
Which way was he told: Via MSN.
Did he like me back: No.
What happened: Something went wrong in my head.
How long did it last afterwards: ?
Nice-ness-factor: 150%

I'm pathetic!!
It's almost funny. Things happened exactly the way I expected them to. I knew I'd end up telling Christian everything, he'd say I was only a friend and I'd get sad and not so eager to see him again. This happened last night. It was my own faulth, really. Via MSN, we talked about a bit of each. I forced the subject to be on girls, him, first kisses, and e.t.c. I don't want to write everything, cause now it really doesn't matter. But when we talked about how to get girls, I said that he should just say "hi. I like you. Do I have a chance?". As we chatted more and more, I almost asked him that question. Instead I wrote "I was just about to ask you the 'hi. i like you. do i have a chance?' question."
Where as he replied to my previous message and then wrote; "btw don't."

It was easier with From and Martinez, cause I know they're idiots anyway. Christian is just perfect and wonderful. Another one lost. Who's next in line?

Monday, May 30

Oh, and I guess I should say... Hi Mads.
Don't ask why.
Last night I went to Christian's place with Andreas. It went better than most of the other times I've been with him, cause this time we actually said something to each other. I managed to stutter some somewhat humourous things (he laughed) in between my laughter attacks.

Christian is very funny! I remember saying to them that they reminded of an old married couple, whereas Andreas got very offended. Christian immediately faked a cry, saying, "You're always so mean and cold to me! DONT LOOK AT ME!!" etc...

Anyways, there was still the awkward silence. I don't remember the last time I was all stuttering and nervous when I was with someone... I don't even think I was like that with Lasse! I was with Mehmet. Damn... Christian was just being himself, and I sat there at that stupid and lousy chair! It hurt my ass.

Andreas was dead annoying. Not only did he mention my past with Martinez, but he had to mention my former obsession with Westlife. He also said, just out of no where, "Oh, Peter. He's very sad."... ARGH! Idiot!! He's the one telling me how to act around Christian, and I'm doing my best. He's ruining every little tiny weeny chance I have! I hate him right now.

I did realise something, though. Until I can't act like myself in front of him, I can might as well forget all about.. any kind of ANYTHING with him. Do I have a chance? Maybe I should just throw myself at him.

Sunday, May 29

I wish my name was Quentin.
I just read this blog (http://inface.blogspot.com/) from a guy named Jack. He's 17 years old and is constantly thinking of sex. I know that most guys are, but this guy is really honest about it. Anyways, it made me think about sex & I. Since the day I slept with Peter for the first time; I haven't really had time or the strenght to think it over. Especially since we had sex many times during the time we were together. It occured to me that guys -- or well, guys like Peter and probably Jack too -- knows nothing about what exactly girls want. I remember that Peter usually came with these little comments; "I read in a magazine that girls liked when men took control."
I don't enjoy getting pinned to the bed, because he doesn't want me to leave. A no is a no and I think he finally got that, after I stuck to my threat about putting a knee to his balls if he wouldn't let me go.
He also had this theory, that rubbing my nipples with the palms of his hands was the most arousing thing ever. I can't even begin to describe how unusually yucky that feels. He never got around to understand that.
Apparently, he must think that comments like; "Is this the wrong hole?", "Does this hurt? Does this? Does this? How about this?" and "What's that!?" turns a girl on. NOT ME...
We never got to finish watching a movie. Everytime we were alone, we had to kiss every 3rd minute. After we'd kissed 2 or 3 times, we HAD to get on top of each other. Then we HAD to throw our clothes and then we HAD to have sex. It felt as if every time we were together, it was one big foreplay to sex. I never had those feelings for Peter and I never enjoyed our sex. It felt irritating that I couldn't bare to say no.
I remember the first times he did the palms-on-nipples thing and I said I hated it, he would look at me - without stopping - and say "You like it! You just won't admit it!"
I said to him constantly; "IF I liked it, TRUST ME, I'd tell you! Why shouldn't I? I've said it once and I'll say it again - I like it when you scratch my back."
Cause he was GREAT at scratching my back...
Peter is so sweet, wonderful, caring, so full of love and understanding and he deserves the best. I'm sad I can't love him.

Saturday, May 28

The sun was shining when I woke up. It was nice to feel the danish summer on my skin again, cause it's been so long. A whole year without these amazing and warm summer days! How is it possible?
The new exercise team I tried out at Sports Club last night messed with all the wrong muscles. I'm completely wrecked. I can't move and they say it'll be worse tomorrow. Still, I went with Ida to spinning this morning - I didn't spin, I just sat outside and enjoyed the sun, though. Afterwards I went to visit my mother's father, just to say hi. I talked to him for a bit. Anna is in Turkey with her good friend. The summer is enjoy-able everywhere. I went home and took a shower. I texted Andreas, asking if he wanted to go with me downtown to do some grocery shopping, but he couldn't - cause he was playing counter strike with Jan and Johan. I don't really get him. The weather is great! I blocked him, just for the sake of it.
I did my own shopping and then went back home. Bought two little cola light's and a light sandwich for lunch.
I read through Mr.Chalk's blog, ate the sandwich and got a call from Frederikke about her 18th birthday party the 11th! I can't wait. I think it will be great, that is, if anyone I know will come along. If not, I'll just ask her if I can bring someone.
It's now 6 pm and I'm bored. Peter wrote me, but I cut him off. I really don't want to talk to him right now. I feel like having my room cleaned, but I don't have the strenght. I should... Will I do it?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com I'm sorry, but I do think she's beautiful!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com And I miss her. It was 2-3 summers ago! Maybe only one.. I miss her... I don't miss the dress. I miss her.

I don't remember the last time I cried. I think it was in Italy. I can't believe I cry over him.

Pedro says:
love is not a game, and it is not a chore, love is the one thing that spares lives, and the one thing that kills them.
loving you is like breathing, how can i stop?

Sofie says:

Pedro says:

Sofie says:
what do you want? if you want to tell me something, don't hide it in cheesy boyband-ballads. if not, stop sending me cheesy boyband ballads.

Pedro says:
it's not from songs... it's quotes from wise people... but i only use them because i don't know how else to say it...

Sofie says:
tell me if you want a reply to any of them, then!

Pedro says:
love hurts when the person u love don't love u back

Sofie says:
okay.. "really? cause i, out of all people, didn't know that!"

Pedro says:
stop being sarcastic

Sofie says:
how else should i reply? "i'm sorry"? "awww"? "you poor thing?" what?

Pedro says:
i don't know! just don't be sarcastic. you're right, it's a tough one to answer. i'll find a new one!

Sofie says:
say what you mean! i DONT want those clichees!! one more and you're blocked! it's not so hard to say! say it and get it over with!

Pedro says:
if you want to block me, that's fine, but don't unblock me again... you know i still love you and i know you only love me as a friend. but it's just hard for me to be with you as a friend. i guess i have to live with that.

Sofie says:
yes. then do that. i hate to sit and cry just because you send those bad english clichees. i've done everything i could! i can't do anything more and i certainly don't think it's fair that i should be forced upon worse guilt than i already feel. you don't kick a person when they're lying down!

Pedro says:
sorry if i've given you a bad guilt. i didn't mean to. i won't send you more.


That was it. He started joking. I made it serious again. I don't want anything to do with him right now.

Friday, May 27


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I just saw this movie with my mother. I'm too deadly tired to complain about how bad it really was, so I've found people whos opinions are similar to mine. Or, as the first, just one that points out HOW BAD IT REALLY WAS.

"I saw this movie in the theater with about 100 other people and when the credits rolled and the lights came up, no one moved. People just stared at the screen until someone blurted out "What the hell was that?!?""

"How can anyone relate to his character? Chasing around a woman who kills men, has thousands of snow globes, is homicidal and can't make up his mind if he's an idiot or not. This movie is garbage, pure and simple. "

"Eye of the Beholder must have been a fantastic script, or else the female lead would not have been so fiercely fourght for by Ashley Judd (against Sharon Stone and others), and wouldn't of attracked so many big names for such small roles. If you look at the scenes individually they are fantastic, well acted, well written, and well directed. However this film just doesn't 'cut' together with scenes working against each other rather then for each other. This has to be one of hollywood's worst nightmares."

"The ending is what really sucks about this movie. Personally, if the plot dictated that she dies, it should have happened directly due to the Eye's obsession, not some wacko car accident."

I'll say goodnight with a funny little picture:

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Ohhh no, Peter you IDIOT!

I told Martinez that we had broken up. Peter then wrote me that Martinez had written him: "I heard you dumped the ho!"

Pedro says:
damn, i got mad at him!
Pedro says:
i wrote him this:
I want you to refer to her as "Sofie", which is her name, instead of calling her that immature bullshit as calling her a "ho"... a ho is probably the last thing she is, she's the sweetest, nicest and most caring girl I have ever met. I still care for her and would therefor want that you show me that respect and call her "Sofie".

- My comment: Who's being immature? It's Martinez for crying out loud!
"Always have the cold New York wind in mind."

- http://stagediving.blogspot.com/

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."
- Joe Jacoby, NFL Football player, of the Washington Redskins

"To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
- Matt Millen, NFL Football player, of the Raiders


For the first time I'm considering blocking Christian and just removing my tongue and cutting off my fingers. Why do I always get myself into this kind of mess?

We've been discussing if life is short - and compared to what. He's in gymnasiet! He's had philosophy for two years. I've had NONE. At least he won't think I'm stupid.. Or he'll think I am stupid, cause he's smarter than me. Hmm.

GuBBi the Great says:
me think u right!

There! It ended like that! I'm happy.

"For example... Christian, I don't understand why there isn't a crowd of girls outside of your door all fighting to win over your heart. You're great."

I almost, almost wrote that to Christian. Almost. We were talking (Yay) and came to talk about compliments. I almost wrote him that, but then decided to shut up. I wrote it here instead. I'm going to ask Martinez for advice, since.. well, because that always works out so great.

Oh, I asked Baljit instead. Never tried that one before. I figured he was quite the helper. I think he was.

The question:

If a girl is to win a guys heart, should she or should she not pay him compliments?

The Baljit answer:

"Depends on how long I've known her. If I've known her for 1-2-3-4-5 days, I'd think she was too easy. If I'd known her for a while, I'd think she was fine."

I love that guy. I'll take his advice, though he also said he wasn't an expert on girls.
I went to visit Peter two nights ago. He said he needed to talk. I asked him to go with me to Q8 to buy some pepsi. The first thing he did after hugging me, was to take my hand. We walked like that in complete silence to Q8 and back to his place. I tried talking normally, but he was as in trance;

"I'm thinking. Of everything... You. Me. What's going to happen now? How I can survive this?"

I wanted to slap him, cause he needs to get over himself. It's pure evil of me to think like that. I mean it, though. If he feels bad, don't tell me about it! I don't need to hear it.

When we came back to his place, we kissed. It was like we were still together. Quite an uncomfortable feeling. He told me he hadn't told his mother that we broke up. He didn't even say the word "yet".

I'm gonna go Dr Phil on him. I think he's somewhat denying it has happened. He doesn't want to finish it, put an end to it. I think he believes I'll come back to him, once I see how he suffers. I noticed that he tried to kiss better, as if he was trying to convince me that he was THE ONE, just because he kissed better.

He's begun to annoy me to bits. At the moment I don't want to see him. I'm not ashamed of him and I don't regret anything at all, I just need some time without him. I can't continue the kissing and holding hands and it makes me want to stay away from him, instead of telling him.

Another thing is this layout. I gave up after trying to make a Pamela Anderson layout, cause I'm just not good enough yet. I took this template from blogger.com, and I'll use it till I make the PERFECT blog skin.

I finally got to read the book Laura had lent for me. It was about a teenager who was sent to a concentration camp during the Hitler times in Germany. While I read it, I sat out in the sun. I read about thousands of people being thirsty and cold. I felt so rich.

Did I mention that I got my Pamela Anderson pictures developed? 18 beauties. They're really great and I only wish I could do the same pictures. I can't wait till I get to borrow Tobias'!

He's home now. I hope that I can go with him to the cinema on monday to see "Sin city". I'd actually rather see the new danish movie "Bag det stille ydre", it's a thriller, but I get the feeling that "Sin City" is more educational in the way it's directed. Anyways, I'll go see "Bag det stille ydre" with someone else. Or I'll wait. Anyways, I feel poor at the moment. On June 10th, 11th and 12th I have three birthday parties to attend.

Mikkel called me while I was with Peter. I said "Hello?" and I just heard him laugh. I laughed back. Then he laughed a bit more. Then I laughed a bit more. Finally, we were just laughing greatly. I asked him what he was doing and he said "Hi Tobias' little sister.. I've maybe smoked a little one." Aherm. It was all a laugh till I hung up. I think Mikkel will have fond memories of his teenage years, hehe. I think I will have fond memories of Mikkel's teenage years!

Tuesday, May 24

I just got a very bad taste in my mouth. I'm actually feeling very ill right now. It may not be the reason, but I just had a thought that raced through my mind. I'm back to where I began. Obsessing over some guy I can never have. It makes me want to throw up, litterally. You should have thought the last months had put an end to that, but no. Christian will be my newest crush and I'll obsess till the day I tell him, where he says to me "Sorry, I like you as a friend." Then he'll stop talking to me, I'll feel like a looser. I'll talk to him about it again. He'll dump me completely. While I whine about that, I'll meet another guy who doesn't want me... It's a vicious circle.

Peter says he wants to talk. I'm going to his place tomorrow... I just really don't feel like it. I don't want to listen to how heartless I am. I know. I guess I have to go... Unless I can figure out some way to sneak myself out of it?
Oh my god! =

Poor Richard Gere


Several years ago, "they" say, Mr. Gere was admitted into the emergency room of a Los Angeles hospital with a gerbil lodged in his rectum. Gere was alone when he arrived, some say, or with a partner (e.g., former girlfriend Cindy Crawford) according to others. It took a whole team of surgeons to extract the animal from Gere's posterior. Some variants say the gerbil was found to have been shaven and declawed; others claim the animal had been placed in a special plastic pouch. And some say the poor creature was Gere's own beloved pet, aptly named "Tibet."

In any case, when the surgery was finally done the medical team was sworn to secrecy (unsuccessfully, we must conclude) and Gere went on his merry way, suffering no permanent damage other than to his reputation.

Monday, May 23

You want details? I don't feel like talking about it. I feel bad. I knew it had to be done, just... Not so cruel. It couldn't have been any different. When I think about him I just get tears in my eyes, because he's so hurt right now, and I'm to blame all the way. I tried, I really did.
When I first told him, he dealt with it fine. He smiled, he said he understood... Twenty minutes later, on MSN, he poured his heart upon me. That means, HOW bad EXACTLY he felt. I got it all. For thirty minutes he made me feel worse than... the worst! I won't quote him. It was bad. Now he's started doing it again.
I went with Andreas out for a while, just talking. He doesn't want to talk about Peter nor Christian, so we were in lack of conversation. Now, Peter is writing me love lyrics. He sunk to the level of Britney Spears. At last, I got tired of it. No one wants to be reminded of how big of a BITCH they are. I sent him this.

Baby we can talk all night
But that aint getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
Theres nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But thatll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldnt make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
Im tired of words and Im too hoarse to shout
But youve been cold to me so long
Im crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But there aint no way Im ever gonna love you
Now dont be sad
cause two out of three aint bad
Now dont be sad
cause two out of three aint bad

Youll never find your gold on a sandy beach
Youll never drill for oil on a city street
I know youre looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there aint no coupe de ville hiding at the bottom of a cracker jack box

I cant lie
I cant tell you that Im something Im not
No matter how I try
Ill never be able
To give you something
Something that I just havent got

- Meat loaf "Two out of three ain't bad". I want you to really read those lyrics, cause they're so true. When I'd sent him that, all he said was "I guess that says it all."
Now he's begun again- that he wishes he'd never entered the school. I feel so bad already. Kill me! I'm a horrible person. I guess I deserve to listen to it.
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This is the local recycling store. It has been there for as long as I remember. Some of my stuff are, or have been in there, actually. My "Spice Girls - The movie" VHS actually. I remember passing the store when I was very young. I saw the VHS and said to my mum "Oh my god, I can't believe anyone would throw that out!". and my mum said; "It's yours!". I was so upset and I think I even faked a good cry. LOL.

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Roughly translated, it's called "Your Clothes-man". A male clothes store, which has also been there forever. At it's left side, there's a parking lot. If you follow that parking lot, you reach a farm. Inthere, lives my old best friend, Martin. We used to play a lot.

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This is taken from a strange point of view, cause it's really not important. Yet, if it wasn't there, the town wouldn't be the same. It's the local bank, and it's right beside the doctors office.

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This is the main street. Sonderso-road (vej). It's been renovated since I moved, which, well, sucks bigtime, but I'll still survive. There's not too much to tell. It wasn't the place where you hung out, because there were cars.

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How beautiful.
Right before I go to try to make sour-sweet sauce with chicken, I want to tell you about today. I broke up with Peter. Bon appetit.

Sunday, May 22

How does this sound? Party in Sonderso. There's a slight, tiny, almost invisible chance that it will ever happen, but it's still there. 4th of June there's a party in Sonderso - my old town. Andreas and I talked the whole night, from eight to well, now. We spoke english and that was refreshing. He said that I made no mistakes whatsoever, but as the sun went down, the moon went up, my bladder got full, my english lacked and at the end I couldn't even find the correct term for 'parking lot'.
I told him about Sonderso, and I remembered everything. I love that town. It'll always be my home. Once, when I become a huge celebrity, I'll tell about the city on the Carson or Oprah show with little stars in my eyes. I'll tell it's tale as if it was larger and more important than New York. In fact, it is. To me. To celebrate Sonderso:

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Saturday, May 21

So last night -the last day of school- was a complete failure. I should have guessed, as I allowed myself to look forward to it and actually expect a great day. The first couple of hours we ate breakfast at the school, but we still sat in groups and the guys played computer. I was rather annoyed, in somewhat a PMS state, but it was a lovely day so far.

We went to Bakken. We were there at 12, and all the amusements opened at 2. We had to leave 2.10. I went with Andreas, Jan and Kasper into get a bite to eat. It was boring as hell. Everyone except us were drinking. I hadn't bothered to bring alchohol as I knew none of the others would be drinking - well... !!!

It only made me want to get really really really drunk with all of them later on. In the train home, I sat with the boys again, not really being a part of the great drunken crowd. At the station we all seperated.

The only place we could be was at Johans, but we couldn't drink there, before he had gotten permission from his parents. I wanted to buy the alchohol first and then go to his place, cause if we couldn't drink there, we could go someplace else, and if we could, we could get started immediately. Jan wanted to go get his bike and then go home. In some annoying way Andreas became the one in charge, and we all went directly to Johans place. Of course we could drink!

Netto provided us with alchohol, except Johan and Jan didn't want to drink. When we were back at Johans place, Andreas and I opened the bottles and started drinking. Andreas went into that state where he is DEAD ANNOYING and STUPID. He almost crashed Johans room. I didn't want anything to do with him when he was like that, as I can never become drunk enough to handle it. Jan and Johan were playing Guild Wars. All I could and did do was to write my friends and see if ANYONE AT ALL had something to do that night and if I could come. None whatsoever! At last Andreas got so angry with me for using my mobile that he actually threw me out. I was more than thrilled to go, but I didn't want to go home.

I called Peter first. Told him what was up and he said that I could come to his place. He was very ill, had 40 in fever. I said I would if anything didn't come up. I wanted and needed to get drunk. I called Henrik. He didn't feel so good as he'd been drunk all day and just wanted to sleep. I called P.P who couldn't come to Farum because her friend wanted to talk. I tried every resort I had, but had to go to Peters place afterall.

His body was so warm, it was unbearable to be near him. He was very ill, that poor thing, which means I can't really break up with him today.

The whole evening till 11 oclock I contacted people. No one could or wanted. I even tried Katrine and almost wrote Kasper, but then thought; no way.

It was a shitty night. A shitty goodbye to our class. I can sit here and say that it could have been better arranged, but I didn't do anything about it earlier. I guess that in 3 years when I leave A.G I can have my real last day of school, where I CAN get drunk. God knows, I need it.

Thursday, May 19

The Dying Child

By Hans Christian Andersen.

Mother, I'm tired, and I would fain be sleeping;
Let me repose upon thy bosom sick;
But promise me that thou wilt leave off weeping,
Because thy tears fall hot upon my cheek.

Here it is cold: the tempest raveth madly;
But in my dreams all is so wondrous bright;
I see the angel-children smiling gladly,
When from my weary eyes I shut out light.

Mother, one stands beside me now! and, listen!
Dost thou not hear the music's sweet accord?
See how his white wings beautifully glisten?
Surely those wings were given him by the Lord!

Green, gold, and red, are floating all around me;
They are the flowers the angel scattereth.
Should I have also wings while life has bound me?
Or, mother, are they given alone in death?

Why dost thou clasp me as if I were going?
Why dost thou press thy cheek so unto mine?
Thy cheek is hot, and yet thy tears are flowing!
I will, dear mother, will be always thine!

Do not sigh thus – it marreth my reposing;
But if thou weep, then I must weep with thee!
Ah, I am tired – my weary eyes are closing –
Look, mother, look! the angel kisseth me!

This is quite a scary, but yet beautiful song by H.C Andersen. I suddenly gained more respect for him after reading this.

Dance, dance, doll of mine!
Girl doll's dress is very fine.
Boy doll is a dandy, too;
He wears gloves and hat and shoe;
White pants, blue coat, him adorn;
On his toe he has a corn.
He is fine and she is fine.
Dance, dance, doll of mine!

Old doll's name is Lise-moér;
She is from the year before;
Hair is new; it's made of flax,
Forehead polished up with wax.
Young again, not old and done.
Come along, my cherished one,
Let us dance a fast gavotte;
To watch it is worth a lot.

Dance, dance, doll of mine!
Watch your steps and get in line;
One foot forward; watch your feet.
Dancing makes you slender, sweet.
Bow and twist and turn around;
That will make you hale and sound.
What a sight it is to see!
You are doing fine, all three.

- That's the translated version.
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!! Everything is collapsing right now. Not only did I just manage to piss Jan of as well, but I also found this. A "poem" or "song" I wrote to Peter after I'd hurt him by being with Henrik at that party. It's not the worst piece of crap I've ever read, actually, but gee...

You know how I seem to moan by writing a song?
Usually it's never me who's done something wrong.
It's all because of things I can't apologise,
I'll never again deserve to look you in the eyes.

So, from the second you told me how it was,
Everything escaped, my dignity, even the tears,
The minutes felt like hours and the hours felt like days,
I never meant to hurt you, but I did in so many ways,
Sorry will never be enough, but I swear your pride will mend,
Even if you begin to act tough, know, I'll always be your friend
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This is the phone I want!

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Katrine and I in Italy. Checkin' if it rains, I guess.

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This is Johan, Andreas' best boy-friend... <-- Oh major giggles over that sentence.

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I really - really - am so - so - indie.

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I found this funny picture of Martinez in my documents. It's a bit old, but still... worth a laugh!
Today Peter got angry with Andreas and I... Again! Tomorrow is the last day of school and the whole class had planned a trip to Bakken. It shows that most of the class won't go, it costs A BILLION to get into Bakken and there will be a BILLION people there. Andreas and I said that we didn't want to go... Peter said that he didn't care what he did. Jan and Kasper wanted to go. So, Peter said he'd figure out what he wanted tomorrow, whereas Andreas and I started planning a cinema trip. Peter got angry, didn't say so, but he did - he walked home with Jan without saying anything to Andreas and I. I did ask him if he was angry, but he said no. As if! He's upset, and the worst thing is that I don't care.
Peter will probably join Andreas and I tomorrow at the cinema, IF we watch Star Wars. The thing is that I haven't seen #1, #2, #4, #5 or #6, so #3 will make no sense to me whatsoever. I don't know what to do.. There's no way in hell I can watch 5 movies till tomorrow. And definitely not just to make Peter happy. He can't get upset over everything. He has to learn how to take me for who I am.

And to something very different...

Ta-da-da-daaa! Finally; I heard from LasseFrom again. As I, for the first time, am feeling completely empty towards him, I decided to write him on MSN. The first six different times I wrote something, I didn't get a reply. Then, yesterday I did! His MSN name had been "Very Ill", so I wrote him: "He's ill. Then maybe he's too weak to ignore me."
Two hours later he wrote;
I have been in my bed all day, but my father had turned on my computer and MSN had automatically logged on, so don't accuse me of anything, okay? I'll go back to bed. Bye.

Who's the girl here?

Tuesday, May 17

Average Slut
You are 59% Dirty Slut.. Hmm.

I'm so hysterically glad I have Leah right now. We're going through the same thing. I don't talk that much to her, because Peter is always around, but I know she's there and that she understands me. I did something terrible, but what's terrible about it is not the act in itself, it's more the fact that I don't regret it. At all, actually.
I kissed Andreas. I was drunk, he was very drunk. I wanted to do it. Still I have no feelings for him at all, but I wanted to kiss him and I did. I dragged him to the bathroom and kissed him. Since then he's been extraordinarily happy. If what I did was extremely bad or just very bad, I'm not sure, but I don't believe in regretting. I haven't spoken to Andreas about it, but I know he remembers.
So I've now also tried having my first affair. I don't plan on being with Peter for another week to come. I spoke to him last night about my feelings. I made him cry. Now I know how Leah must have felt. Even though I don't have any feelings towards him; it still hurts to see him cry. I felt tears on my cheek when he kissed me. His tears. I couldn't even force myself to cry; that careless I am.

I have to break up with him very, very soon. I'm even planning a weekend on Fyn with this guy I've never met and barely even spoken to. I'm that desperate. But he seems nice and his name is George.

Friday, May 13

I got a new layout again. I'm really beginning to understand HTML more or less now. Today was the last friday before the end of school. It's sad, it's so very sad, I think. I really like the school despite the teachers and awful teaching. We sat there today - Peter, Andreas, Jan, Kasper and I and listened to music, just... relaxing. I just thought; Damn I'll miss this. I can get all teary eyed, just by thinking about it. I will miss everything about it.

Peter, we... Well, we don't swing. I don't want him in any way. I can live with 'having' him, but... I can definitely live without him. It's all strange. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will either way. He keeps saying that he loves me, that he cares for me... How he says he feels... It's exactly the way I've felt before with my crushes. I know how he feels. I don't want to be the girl to break his heart. He says I'm beautiful. So is he.

I'm on my way to pick up Mette from the train station. She's come all the long way from... someplace in Denmark, I think. It'll be loads of fun!

Wednesday, May 11

Think about it. It all started in January, right after I started drinking. My first kiss was quickly followed up by my first blowjob, then sex, then boyfriend - now maybe first break-up. It has all happened so quickly. In five months, I've completely changed myself. For the better? I think so. I definitely have the experience now; I feel like the grown-up I've always been considered to be. It was the alcohol that led me here. Without alcohol, I never would have been with Peter right now, I wouldn't have kissed anyone, and I'd still be sobbing every friday and saturday because most young people were out drinking. Drugs do good.

Monday, May 9

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. I wonder all the time, actually. Peter and I have been a couple for a month, as of tomorrow, and I haven't - not even for a split second - had feelings for him. I don't think I ever will get feelings for him. I'm not attracted to him in any way, only when he doesn't pay me attention. I only miss him when I'm not alone. Sometimes, when I'm with him, I'm even sick of him and want him to leave fast. Why am I with him? We're lousy at having sex - I know it would be practiced a lot, but still - we suck. I think it's because of the lack of feelings. Sometimes I just give in because I know he likes it. He definitely has more feelings for me, than I do for him. I don't want to break up with him; because he knows how I feel and it's not a bad thing that I'm with him. If/when he does something I don't like; I'll tell him.
Our relationsship has even caused throubles between us and Andreas and Jan. There was a time, last week, where they both almost dumped us as friends, because we were holding hands in Tivoli! We ended up in a huge argument in Tivoli, where we shouted and screamed of each other, and things were said that weren't meant. It was a big mess; and I didn't get to enjoy the Shakin' Stevens concert at all. Later, Andreas apologised and we were all friends again. But it won't be the same, as long as Peter and I are together. Next year, Andreas, Jan and I will go to the same gymnasium and Peter will stay at home. I'll break up with Peter during summer break, because I won't have time once I start school again. Of course; that won't be the main reason alone.

Christian is beginning to get on my nerves, unfortunately not in the bad way. The more I see him, dream about him /yes I did!/, talk to him and gets to know him, the more I just straight out fall for him. It's shit. But he's so sweet and so nice. Andreas said to me once; "I don't want to say you can't be with him, unless you don't think he is THE GUY."
Whereas I said; "He definitely qualifies to be THE GUY."
And he does. He is. He could be. He probably will be. Must get to know him. I must!

I'm a bitch.