Wednesday, April 27

I spoke to Peter last night. After spinning, I called Rikke, asking her for advice on what the hell to do. After a lot of "Wow, you're having a hard time!" we agreed that it would be the best idea, to just tell him exactly how I feel. The second after I hung up, I called Peter and asked him to meet me immediately. First; I couldn't say a single word. I just couldn't make myself say something. He was cold as hell, so we went inside of the block. I then said; "I got good and bad news, which do you want first?"
He said that he wanted the good news first. I then said; "I want to be with you."
"But you can't?"
"No no, that's not what I meant. I want to be with you! I have to be with you. We're together."
"Then what's the bad news?"
I had to say it, there was no way back; "I've never lied to you. When I wrote you in Italy that I was in love with you; I really was. Keyword being 'was'. When I'm apart from you, I miss you like mad and I feel like I can't sit still unless I'm with you. But when I'm with you... I just don't feel it. My heart doesn't beat extra strong and I'm not all giggly and stuff."
And you know what he said?
"I feel the same way."
So now I've stepped back a bit in surprise. He feels the same way! I mean! I'm speechless. I never saw it coming. How can he say he's in love with me, if... Argh! It just puzzles me. Anyways, I have to be in school in five minutes and I'm not even dressed.

Tuesday, April 26

untitled

I'm at Peters right now. I haven't been writing a lot in this journal lately, and since the latest news, that no one has the address, I haven't felt pressured to writing either. Although, I think it's necessary anyways. Things between Peter and I... Well, I'm not sure. One moment I cry because I can't manage to force myself to have feelings for him and the next moment I'm with him and everything is just great. Not because I'm crazy about him, but because I don't mind having a good time with him. Still, I don't know if I'll ever get feelings for him. It's a very bad position I've put myself in, but hey, when was the last time a thing like this actually went good? I can't help it, I was born stupid. I'll have to just hang in there, cause I don't want to be the biggest bitch in the world and dump him without giving him a chance.
This Friday, hopefully, I'm going to see Shakin' Stevens in Tivoli.

Saturday, April 23

I changed the diary address again. I'm even considering not showing it to anyone and starting writing it in Danish. I'll have to think about it. Let's see. My bigbrother used to have this address. But he's my bigbrother, and I don't think Peter wants to get exposed to someone in my family. There are things you just don't want your brother to know. Leah & Amalie used to have it. They've been great with it and I love that about them... But I don't want to consider it, everytime I write something new. Mette has had it. She's the one person I'm considering giving it to again. She's reading it a lot, so it seems, and she's always been helpfull and such. She's not a threat of any kind. Sophie too, because she's so, so far away and I'll loose contact with her if I don't. Janneke? Probably not. I'm writing too few emails to her already. Merete has it as well. I love her, but she's like Janneke - I'd like to talk to her about it in person instead. Sometimes she needs to have things explained. If there are more people with this address, I guess I'll find out now. I think I'll sleep on it. Too much going on right now.
I finally got my Meat Loaf song! "I'll kill you if you don't come back" :.

Somebody bless all the girls in the sand on the beach
They're dreamin' of boys and just out of reach
Bless all the cheerleaders down on the track
They're glistening like diamonds with sweat on their backs

Bless all the girls in gangs on the street
They're looking for danger and they're holding their piece
Bless all the girls staying late after school
They're playing with fire and they're playing it cool

And bless all the shy girls who're learning to dance
They stare in the mirror and they conjure romance
Bless all the girls who are always alone
They kneel down in prayer and they wait up by the phone

Bless all the homecoming queens of the night
They're looking for magic in gymnasium lights
And bless all the girls who know what love is about
They try not to cry and then they try to put out

And bless all the homecoming queens of the night
They're looking for magic in gymnasium lights
And bless all the girls who know what love is about
They try not to cry and then they try to put out

Somebody bless all these girls that I never have met
But damn you and curse you after all that you've done
You're the one girl I'll never forget
You're the one girl I'll never forget

Wednesday, April 20

First; Peter is now my boyfriend. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. Ok, I'm not. When I'm with him I feel like I can live without him... But when I'm not with him; I feel like he's missing. Maybe it's normal, maybe that's the way a relationsship is in the beginning. Maybe I'll learn to love him.

It all started when he went to Tjekkiet with the boys from the class (and Lea* and Natasia). I missed him like crazy, all of a sudden. Actually, it started last Saturday when we... well, while watching Shrek2 and eating Guacamole, we had sex. It was quick and rather painful, but Peter handled it like a gentleman. It was a weird feeling; as the world outside my window hadn't changed a bit. Nothing seemed to have changed at all. Except, I had a funny feeling in my stomach. The following Sunday, Peter went away. That day, April 10th, we wrote together as if we were a couple. In Italy, I wrote him and asked him if we WERE a couple. He said that he saw us as that. Soo...

Italy. I HATE ITALY!! I want to kill Italy, I want it burned to the ground. I hate it so much... Ohhh so much!! Everything about it is painfull to remember; and I don't want to. Instead; well, I'll sum up the trip as I did with Berlin, only with the people.

Rie; she is still the obnoxious BITCH she always has been. She's a whore.
Fatma; Hulya used to say a lot of bad stuff about her, and I do believe she adjusts herself and her personality by the people she meets. She only gave me a good impression. I like her. She's smiley and very cute.
Luna; I can't stand her. She's such a fake and it's so obvious. Blonde bitch.
Leah; I started talking to her in Berlin, I remember. I still care so much for her. She's so lovely. I spoke to Rune about her.. How we both thought she was so cute, so smiley and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. And I meant every word. She's just so special, in the best way possible.
Amalie; since I felt so bad on the trip (bad is not a good enough word to describe how shitty I felt) and she didn't know the full story, she liked coming with little comments, like "can I just say what I think?"... That annoyed me so much, but now when I look back on it, I can survive it. She's still very nice and she has that sweet sweet charisma! I like her!!
Rune; Oh, I'm crazy about him! He's funny, but in the good way; you don't feel like he's superior to you, as you do to Martinez and LasseFrom when they joke, no, cause he listens to your jokes and laughs. He's so honest and nice and I really like him! We've had SUCH a great laugh. And not only; he also remembered the very little and forced talk we had in Sweden in August last year. He remembered the details. That's a good guy for you there!
Camilla; Nothing has changed. She still doesn't speak to me.. But she's nice and I don't dislike her.
Kathrine; I didn't think I could find someone more negative than I. I did. Wow, she could bring out the worst in every situation! So could I, but I was at least sarcastic and tried to make it funny. She just took things too seriously. I mean; I was saying to HER that SHE was being NEGATIVE! I still spoke a lot to her, cause she's not that bad.
Hulya; she really really annoyed me! She was being too happy and too bimbo'ed. "Oh this is a fake Louis Voiuoiuioutton (?)... blah blah.".. She liked it too much. Eurgh.
Ghadir; she was so nice. A little smiling sun. I love her!
Seher; Mixed feelings. Like always.

Can you sense I'm tired? I'll come back with my rantings later on.

Saturday, April 9

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I'm blonde!!!
Btw, I've become BLONDE!
It was wednesday I was with Peter for the first time. Thursday after school we went at it again. Friday, at school, we actually did some too. Friday night, last night, I had Naja, Peter and Andreas over. Jan was supposed to come too, but he ditched us in the last moment. I tried so hard to stay away from Peter, cause it wouldn't be fair on Andreas. But the more annoying Andreas became (knocking stuff over, talking loudly, saying stupid things) the more I just wanted to be with Peter. Especially when Juke, Peter's best friend, came over, and Peter started NOT touching me as he usually did. I wanted attention like mad! I kept writing him, touching him. We were acting like we were going out... We did too in school. It's weird. We're doing everything (almost) that a couple does, except.. we're not a couple. Everybody has asked us if we were together - EVERYONE. No one believes us. Martinez is madly jealous, I'm even on his block list right now. Lea* is also insanely jealous and she even has a boyfriend. Oh well...

I'm thinking of sleeping with Peter; and then again no. I'm also thinking of becoming his girlfriend, and then again, NO. I don't have feelings for him, like that. I'm not in love. But who knows? It may come? Oh I don't know.

I'm going to Italy here soon.. Monday to be precise. I can't wait.

Thursday, April 7

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If I could, I would, quote the wisest man in the world.

This is where I wish this diary was private. This is when I have to write something that I know my very own big brother will read. And two of my best girlfriends, Amalie and Leah as well. I'm a tiny bit afraid of their judgements on this, cause to be frank, I'm not even sure what I think of me right now.

I went shopping yesterday with Andreas. He held out for three long hours in H&M. He's a star! Afterwards we went to Peter's place and ate dinner. When we were done eating, we tried to find a place we could watch a movie, but neither Christian or Johan could. Instead, I started playing footsie with Peter underneath the table. Just, in a more loving way. We went to Peter's room to watch Bad Boys II. I petted his stomach and he petted my arm.. Very innocent. Again, I felt like touching him badly. I don't know why. When 10'oclock passed, Andreas went home, and I was alone with Peter. This is where you shouldn't read more; only if you want.

I don't want to go into details. I gave him two handjobs and a couple of blowjobs. He came in my mouth. We also kissed. He's not a very good kisser, but hey, that can be taught. He says I'm better than Lea*. Hah. So does this make me cheap? He kept saying no. I'd told him that it had nothing to do with feelings and this time he WAS clear on that, completely. And I did think it was fun. I liked it, I did. Another experience, another story to tell the grandkids... Or not.
I asked him if he still had feelings for me; and he said yes. But that this was just as good as being with me. He followed me home and we agreed that this shouldn't ruin anything between us.
And he said I was right in my theory, that blowjobs and handjobs weren't sex!

Okay now, before you never ever want to talk to me again, let me just say: I don't have any regrets.

Tuesday, April 5

I... am... so... angry... with... that... BIIIIIIITCH!!!

Lea* is the most abnoxious person I know! Goddamnit, she annoys me so much. We have a movie project in class, and I, the director, had one simple task for the scenario-people: buy black and white paper and make weapons out of it.
Natasia was nice, she said "No, I'm sorry, I completely forgot."
Lea* came with her lame-ass'd excuses; "No, we weren't supposed to do it, I don't want to spend my money on school" etc. Argh! I can't stand her right now.

I went shopping today with 600 kroner. I bought a bra, some thongs and a pair of shorts. I'm gonna turn back in the shorts tomorrow, cause they're not really for me. I'm actually going with Andreas.. That'll be fun!
I went shopping with Leah and Amalie. Amalie is a model and Leah has a great sense of clothing style, so I knew I was in good hands. Of course, the XLs were a bit too small for me. Or, I was too large for them, I can't quite figure it out. Shopping in the mens and Big Mamas departments didn't do me great good either, but talking to the Experts about my clothes/body thing did. I have great legs, Amalie says. And great curves? Apparently.

I'm so going to buy a hat of some kind tomorrow. And a belt. And some cheap jewellery. And a shirt of some kind... And I only have like; 300 kroner left or something. What is a girl to do?

I kinda got my future predicted today, by a guy who can read things out of someone's name. My name showed that I was gonna make it big - be a top leader, a real carrieer woman. I was gonna get happily married and have to little girls.
That's so me. And I just finished the storyboard for our short-movie. I so rule. Or not.

Monday, April 4

Bonsai Boyfriend

I'm gonna use his tupe to give him food,
mashed potatos and orange juice,
Without me, he'll never stay,
I'll put wheels underneath his jar,
And walk with him every day.

Oh, mommy please, buy me bonsai boyfriend,
I'll drill him air holes, I'll remove his waste,
I'll never make fun of his funny looking face
I'll be good to him, stay with him to the end,
I'll never break the heart of my bonsai boyfriend

Tell daddy that I want a bonsai boyfriend,
I bet he'll be pleased that he can't run away,
Or make slutty girls lead him astray,
He'll never have to check up on his car,
Cause he'll always be able to see him in his jar

Oh, mommy please, buy me bonsai boyfriend,
I'll drill him air holes, I'll remove his waste,
I'll never make fun of his funny looking face
I'll be good to him, stay with him to the end,
I'll never break the heart of my bonsai boyfriend

I'll make a hole in his container,
So he can thrust me with his wiener,
It may be a little bit out of place,
But we don't care about maybes,
I'm 9 months we'll have little bonsai babies!

Oh, mommy please, buy me bonsai boyfriend,
I'll drill him air holes, I'll remove his waste,
I'll never make fun of his funny looking face
I'll be good to him, stay with him to the end,
I'll never break the heart of my bonsai boyfriend
I have a million people hating me, or so it feels.
Today in english class. Suddenly Lea* yells: "You lied to me! Peter never said that I couldn't come last friday to the party!"
And of course I had said that! No way in hell did I want her there with MY friends. She's a bitch right now, with her judgements about people. She has no respect whatsoever for Kasper, Andreas and Jan. And there's no way she can meet Christian before I get my hands on him. And Ida doesn't like her either. She just wanted to be there because she had nothing better to do and because well, her "jode-pode" was there. She likes getting drunk and taking advantage of him and his tiny body. It disgusts me! Anyways. I just blushed and said: "I'm gonna listen to my music now."
Peter had told her!
Then Martinez starts interfering (of course!) and says "Why wasn't she invited?!"
I ignored him. Later, I was still upset with Peter. Andreas says; "If you don't start talking to Peter, I'll tell Christian you're a bitch."
I could just feel how Peter got sad, Martinez got angry, Andreas regretted what he said and Jan woke up. I had to say something, taking notice of all these emotions when Martinez said "You like Christian now?!"
Oh... I just blushed so much, gave Andreas the killer looks and listened to my MP3'er again. I could have shot Andreas! How dares he?!
Of course; Martinez got offended. "How many DO you like right now?"
I just said that I didn't like anyone.
In Danish class I became the director of our movie. They'll regret that so much. I'm a bitch when it comes to something like that. Martinez and Mikkel are my actors. Or, should I say, my slaves. They're all my slaves till friday!
It's monday morning and it's around 07:23. I was so happy last night that I even forgot to tell you who it was I fancied that much. It's Christian, why of course. What is a girl to do?
He's Andreas' best friend and Andreas knows. I asked him what he thought and etc., and apparently Christian is the type who wants to get to know someone first. Damnit, I hate that type. Anyways; Christian also wants someone who takes him for who he is; including his weaknesses - Counter Strike and model photos (he's got 18.800 of them). Those are plusses to me. I want to get to know him better, I really do. He's so dreamy... I'm not in love, because to be frank; I don't really know him either.
Sigh.
I'm not gonna be able to think that much today, I can feel it. I can't even eat. I'm not hungry! When is the last time I felt that way? Martinez never made me stop eating. LasseFrom? I don't think so. Jonas? No. Casper? Ha! As if. Mehmet? Probably. Magnus? No. But I'm not in love. Just majorly excited about this guy. Who knows what'll happen? I don't have a chance, probably. He's used to watching slender beautiful models spread their legs. What the hell do I have to supply that?
He reminds me so much of Magnus, he does. That's a good sign.

Sunday, April 3

remember that way old sentence: "i'm not in love"?

well.

i'm not in love... but i like him so so so so so so so much!! he's so nice, so sweet, so goodlooking, so funny, oh sooo funny, so smart.. so.. perfect! i can't believe it! i'm thinking about him all the time, i can't stop talking about him. i want to see him. when i see him; i smile. i laugh when he laughs... i've fallen for him, i think, and i don't even know him.

sigh... i don't even rememeber what else there is to tell. i'm on cloud 9.

Saturday, April 2

http://benjoedelena.blogspot.com/

congratulations, benjoe and delena!
You <3 Christian = 46 %

The chance of a relationship working out between you and Christian is not very big, but a relationship is very well possible, if the two of you really want it to, and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it. You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together. You must be aware of the fact that this relationship might not work out at all, no matter how much time you invest in it.

_ www.lovecalculator.com


You & Christian = 45%

www.funs.co.uk

You and Christian are

65% COMPATIBLE!

You two are definately well suited together. You get on like a house on fire and you hardly ever argue. Carry on like this and you'll be heading for the altar! Good Luck!

www.tiscali.co.uk

<3> (out of 4) 66 % MATCH

Well, you fared better than most couples or most couples-to-be. Yeah, you could be happy with this person, but you could probably do better. Why don't you try again with more names to find someone who is more compatible?

www.campusnut.com

YOU
<3
CHRISTIAN
64%
Not the hottest of couplings, but comfortable nonetheless. You two go together like milk chocolate digestives and mugs of tea. Which is nice.

CHRISTIAN
<3
You
78%
Love sure is in the air - and you've caught it. Here's looking 'atchoo', kid!

http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/

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picture 1: johan.
picture 2: very very very poor picture of christian.
you've been waiting for this blog-entry, haven't you? another drunken mistakes post. cause i always do them. i never, ever do everything right when i'm drunk. oh well. that's the price you have to pay. without alchohol, i'd still be sitting home every saturday and friday night. i've met many friends through alchohol. not that i support it. oh well. i'm not to complain.


last night i went to peters with andreas, christian, johan, ida and kasper. what did i have to drink? 4 smirnoff ice's, about ½ or more of a bottle of dooleys and a beer. it lasted longer than i thought. anyways. christian is very closely my new crush. i know it's dangerous to say that, cause it'll only lead to obsession and me being stupid around him. it's so stupid being the first to have feelings for somebody else. that i've learned. but he's so nice. he's so good looking, he has the best humor in the world, he's very sweet and not at all a smart-ass. but what did you expect? that my drunkness would sweep him off his feet?

not at all. i said, for example, to johan and christian; "so, you go to the same high school? and by 'high school' i mean: do you have a girlfriend, and by "you (both)" i mean "you (christian)".

thank god i can't remember his respond. i just wanna die. he's never gonna want anything to do with me, i'm sure.

other than that, i had a great time. andreas and peter have really become my close friends through yesterday. i love them both very much!

who needs one boyfriend, when you can have two?