Saturday, March 19

i heard from my brother. he wrote me that the reason why he hadn't answered me, was because he had no money on his phone. i don't know, i don't want to worry my head about that right now. it doesn't matter now anyways.

changing the subject.. i went surfing for blogs, and found one that said; >looking back, my biggest regret have been that i didn't take enough pictures.<
it kinda touched me. i want to go out and buy a camera.. not a digital one (can't afford it) but just a cheap one.. sad thing is; i can't afford that either. the cameras we have here are all broken or too old. and it costs a fortune to develope the pictures. yet, this is the best time of my life. the best year is this. everything will change after the summer. besides; i'll go to italy without a camera. i think that's bad. i'll go through my sisters blossoming 11th year without a camera. i'm not trying to force pity upon me, i'm just airing my thoughts. it hit me. i for example regret not having taken any pictures of my granmothers garden during the summers. i loved it so much.

speaking of... what is it with people and making me feel guilty? today i was too ill to go deliver laura to my grandmother on the central station, so my mum went instead. i'd looked so much forward to seing grandma. when mum came home, she said; "it's probably good you didn't go. she had planned to yell at you for spending all those money ON YOURSELF."
i can't even write it without crying. my biggest fear is becoming selfish... the one thing i secretly hate about myself more than my body, my voice, my lack of selfcontrol; is my selfishness which i know i have. it's just killing me. at the same time she wanted to give me 300 kroner. i want to say no when she comes next-next friday. i don't want her money no matter how much i need them. i'd rather have her thinking good thoughts about me than getting money for useless stuff; clothes, vodka and tickets. the one person who just can't call me selfish just did. it's just not a nice feeling. it really really hurts. she's the one person who can really hurt me. she shouldn't be allowed to. damn it, two nights of crying. it has got to end. let me get well soon. i want to go out and exercise.. another thing i feel guilty over not doing - though i fuckin sneeze every fifth minute.

fuck you.

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