Wednesday, March 30

so; i spoke to peter. he told me how he'd felt and that he wasn't angry any longer, that he understood me and that he couldn't help but to feel the way he did. we talked about it and got to terms with it. neither of us could or can help how we feel or, well, don't feel. we're friends again.

henrik came to visit me yesterday. i guess i wanted; to be honest, anything but to talk to him. but that was what he did. he's not all that forward-going, and i guess i'd hate him if he was. anyways, we couldn't talk. he annoyed me a bit. he told me about his exgirlfriend, his school, his dad... nothing big. i kicked him out around 4. agreed that we were just friends and that was it. but i still wouldn't mind being with him at parties and such.

tobias wants to loan me a camera!! favourite bigbrother in the world!

oh well, i have to go. i have to write a manuscript (essay, free subject) and a poem analyses till tomorrow and it's 10:40. glad i got my pepsi.

Monday, March 28

yay my diary works again.
i have to write an essay... about either; a guy climbing mount everest, the way the youth talks, a picture called "life", death penalty, continuing a bad story and responsibility.

what am i to do?

Sunday, March 27

i hate opening my diary and seeing the peter thing as the first. i found the tests on a website earlier and thought i'd test myself. a good friend. hah. i should be asleep by now, i think. the girls called me from horsens, oh, because they had so much fun. yeah - cause i couldn't sink lower than this. i wrote a song;


The time when you and I were one,
The time when we were together,
I loved you, you loved me,
All we had left to remember

How was I too blind to see
that though your kisses were gentler,
We were not ready enough,
To face a past to remember

Go away, don't look back,
Safe yourself from this misery
Faster now, don't ever stop,
Let our time be a memory

Go away (faster now, you don't know who is waiting)
Don't look back (I'll only keep you hoping)
Faster now (I only want you to be happy)
Don't ever stop (but promise to never forget me)

it's still in the working process though.

i don't know.

i'm confused. i think i'll send peter a message before i go to sleep /soon/ cause i can't stand this any longer. and i'll ask leah for advice as well.

damn it, if anyone teases him and me in school, i don't know what to do. i want to protect him. no one wants to be teased with something like that. argh, school massacre here i come.

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen

Or lend a shoulder to cry on

You're there through thick and thin

Many people consider you their "best friend"!

Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic

You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic!
You life live and approach seduction on a grand scale.
You have an inner self confidence and energy that most people lack
It's these talents that make you seem extraordinary - and you truly are!

Your Love Style is Ludus

You like to think of love as the ultimate game

And you love to play... even if it means lying a little

You're a bit afraid to be close, and you don't get too attached

A serial dater, you tend to date a few people at once

And it's all good, until one of your sweeties finds out!

You Are 55% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

You Will Die at Age 73


You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...

And how you'll die as well.

Your positive traits:

You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted
Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover
You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in

Your negative traits:

You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover
You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship
You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on

Your ideal partner:

Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task!
Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed.
Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis.

Your dating style:

Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date.

Your seduction style:

Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real.
You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves
A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it.

Tips for the future:

Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are
Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you*
Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive.

Best color to attract mate: Dark red

Best day for a date: Tuesday
oh, boy, am i glad we got that cleared up... not. damn it. i'm such a.. bitch! daamn. i've never felt more like a complete slut. you can tell me i'm not, but i know i am. peter was upset with me, because he had fallen for me. that, i didn't know. but while he had been head over heals, i had given him a handjob. i'd played with him, completely HURT him, broken his heart, SHATTERED his dreams.. or something like that. then, what do i do? i go to henrik, who also has a crush on me. i snog him, play with him and i'm not even into him. i got boytoys, except.. it's not bodies, it's emotions. oh look at this! here's a feeling! let me just stomp on it and ruin it completely. oh here's another one. destroy, destroy. there. done.
peter is so pissed at me, it's unbelievable. and of course! imagine. he's seen me with henrik.. oh god. he has every reason to be upset. he's blocked me right now. the ironic thing(s)?
1st, none of this would have happened if i had gone to horsens. 2nd, peter wrote me the verse of 'if i let you go'. mmmm. my heart is shattered.
andreas has been such a great help! he's my best girlfriend in the world. he's so nice and helpful and FUCK anyone who won't be with him. guys and girls - you're missing out on one hell piece of good meat. and he looks great in uniform as well.
i don't even deserve him.
i don't know what to do! what have i done?

me; hey. peter.
peter; what?
me; are you mad?
peter; i'll give you 10000000000 guesses but you only need 1.

me; you're mad.

peter; very good. you should audition for "who wants to be a millionaire?"

me; why are you mad?

peter; guess. cause you're so good at that.

me; no, c'mon. please tell me.

peter; why should i?

me; because i can't take that you're mad at me. and i want to know why.

peter; awwww i feel so sorry for you... NOT! why don't you try to think of others before yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me; what's it about? i'm sure it's a misunderstanding.

peter; this conversation is over.

andreas doesn't know either what's wrong. i have no idea what's going on. or perhaps i do, and i just don't want to realise it.
me? i don't drink and i don't get drunk. i don't do stupid things.

... or something like that.

last night; a bottle of dooleys and some beers. uhm. i scored..? i got a huge hickey on my neck. yes, i got it from henrik. late during the party, ida and i held, we collided in the hallway. first we just hugged and cuddled and such, and well, then we kissed. a lot. come to think of it. a hell lot! mehmet, martinez, daniel/stig, baljit, they all saw us. the guys from the class... oh goddamnit. anyways, it was really nice. we went back into the party where people were sitting. in front of everybody, we just made out, as if it was the most normal thing to do. all my guys saw it. mehmet, martinez, magnus.. damnit.

martinez kept coming over to say "oh what is it i smell, what is it i smell... pussy! blowjob!"... and i kept saying; "hmm no, it's JEALOUSY!"

martinez; did he live up to your expectations?
me; i didn't have any. it was just for fun.
martinez; what are you talking about? you were clutched to each other.
me; yes. but in a fun way.

hehe. from martinez' regular now-i'm-jealous-chat today.

hmm. ok, let's just make a funny little list of stupid things i did/said.

#1. there was, of course, how i continously shook martinez' friend (also named henrik)'s hand and said "hi, i don't think we've met.".. i also did that to several others. many times.
#2. oh and then i wrote 5-6 girls from the boarding school asking for lasse's number. then i made martinez call him and trash him. why, oh why. but humourous still.
#3. i called brother's friend, mikkel.. goth? yes. uhm. i don't really remember it that much. fortunately.
#4. i also called andreas' brother, christian/kristian/decoy, p.p.. oh so many. damnit.
#5. i do believe i also chatted to tobias at one point.
#6. i yelled at lea* for calling me while being on the bathroom. she says i said:
"don't you EVER call a person who's sitting on the toilet asking them to open the door!!"

i guess that's fair enough.
#7. we talked about the touchy feely stuff with peter, with the guys from the class. andreas, that big-mouth of course, told everything he knew. saying "please say you didn't do it while i was under the table!"... lol! anyways; stupid thing.. i sat next to Guuf. i whispered to him;
"if i was you, i would move away from me, cause right now i feel like touching you and i don't want to."

he laughed so hard. damnit.
#8. told baljit so many bad things.
#9. oh my god, i just remembered! ida* and i tried to make money on kissing each other.
#10. magnus came and i was flirtatious. damn me. he said he had to go to copenhagen tomorrow (today) to pick up nadia. remember saying;
"why? can't she walk by herself?"

i'm such a bitch.
#11. oh god.. while i was sitting with henrik, being very loving'ly with him, mehmet was sitting on the desk and talked loudly. i then looked at him and mouthed
"you, me, bathroom."

whereas he mouthed back; "blowjob?!"... FORTUNATELY i shook my head and laughed. he got upset. hehe.

i've probably done so many other stupid things... oh well.

i'll figure out what to say to henrik later.. i had his smell all over me today.. along with sweat and puke. he's really into me! he kept saying that i was the most wonderful creature on earth, sweet, perfekt, etc...! i said to him that i had many faults, whereas he said "but i love all those things.". he's too sweet... i know i couldn't have a meaningfull conversation with him, or i could, but i'd get tired of him after a while. shit, he's the male me! we share the same humor. even the "you wish!", "in your dreams" and "that's what she said last night" lines. am i really so annoying? hmm. i'll ask him to just be my boytoy. like peter.

has this been the best vacation so far? mm-hmm.

Thursday, March 24

so what did happen last night?

after i'd done spinning and exercise with amalie; i went to the LAN party.. lea* invited herself along. i went in and said hi to peter and then went into to sit with andreas and the others. i got to shoot people and it was loads of fun. then peter came. i'd been touchy the other days, so i started again. but; this time he didn't try to keep my hands away.

new sex fetish: exhibitism.

so, while andreas was sitting right next to us, i had my hands in peter's lap, being so very more touchy feely. andreas saw it, i think. peter was panicking, cause he didn't want anyone to see. i don't know; i thought it was loadsa fun. i kept teasing him; stopping once in a while and telling him i wouldn't do it anymore, because he'd been rude.

later; when andreas went to sleep - underneath the table with a good view - i went underneath peters clothes. andreas' brother and johan saw it and laughed, other than that people were only suspecious. peter said that he was SO NOT turned on, it was just a "physical reaction". hmm. he kept asking me to go somewhere else, cause he didn't want to do it in public. but that kinda took the fun out of it, and i changed my mind on the way to the bathroom. several phrases, like,

"just don't do it with someone from your class." - martinez, 2005

came to my mind. so i just sat down and talked to peter, on a normal basis. i think he somewhat hated himself at that moment. well, too bad, exhibitism or not at all. hehe. oh god, listen to me!

argh. anyways, i'm going back tonight with the intention of not doing it again.. maybe. i don't know. depends. am i cheap? or what.. probably.

oh, and while my hand was on his pants, henrik wrote me. he asked if we should figure out "something something" cause he "dared to say that he had a crush on me". i said to him that sure, we'd talk at the party on saturday, but he shouldn't expect anything, cause i had my HANDS FULL. a bit freakish, that situation.
tonight i discovered new things.

#1. yet another reason why no one should have this blog address.
#2. a strange sex fetish of mine.

i'll try to explain later. right now it's best if i go to bed.

Wednesday, March 23

funny stuff.

i wrote hulya that andreas' brother tried to kiss me. she then asked why i didn't kiss him back.

me: he's andreas' brother!
hulya: pommer is yellow!

so funny!
LAN-party = boys buffet. i went to LAN last night with henrik, also to see if he was someone i could fall for. and, no, probably not. he'd be the kinda guy you're having fun with to parties and such as.
but the LAN-party! it was great fun! i killed people! i even killed on of sjallands best players, named ex inferris. the guys were so proud of me, hehe. i was treated as if i was one out of four girls among 200 guys - well, because i was. very nice. i don't know why, but i felt very "touchy feely".. i kept touching peter, cause he's so sweet and so nice. hehe.
at one moment i was just holding his hands, when martinez came by. he was talking, he was very drunk, then he stopped, just for a split second to look at peter and i; and i just knew it. that was the split second where martinez made himself another opinion of me. he most likely just lost more respect for more, or perhaps he just added another degrading word about me to his dictionary about me. i didn't give a flying pig's ass. i just kept touching peter and pretended to not see martinez. later, i was being a real bitch towards him and he gave me the very underrated sentence; "what have i done?"

henrik went home around 11. i went home around 2.

p.s andreas' brother was there, sober and couldn't remember a thing. god, he's boring when sober.

p.p.s i like andreas' unheard-of friend kristian. he's so funny, nice and he reminds me of magnus.

Tuesday, March 22

Image hosted by it's henrik

Image hosted by it's andreas' brother

Image hosted by it's andreas' brother tryin to kiss henrik.

ok, ok, last night, i think. uhm. there's so much to tell, i think. i don't even know where to start. so much happened. ok..

first: guys.

henrik~i spoke to him when i was drunk with pp and lyngbye. being drunk. so drunk so drunk. he's a bit taller than me, very skinny (i think?) underneath all of his baggy skater clothes. his humor is somewhat near the danish act "hva snakker du om?".. he's the guy who plays lame jokes, well knowing they're lame. he stutters a tiny bit. nothing big. he's very funny and has this.. charming look. you kinda want to explore it, if you know what i mean. i'm not majorly attracted to him, but i like his apperance.

andreas' brother~is hot. like, wow. he has huge brown eyes. very huge. very brown. wow. he has black'ish curly short hair, and has a goooood body. his body is a mixture between feehily and byrne. (i am so the only one who understands that !). i liked his lips. or, their looks..!

back to yesterday...

i was bored so i contacted the guys. i thought we should do something together, as they'll all go to their little computer party for the next four days. it happened pretty quickly that we got it all together. we ended up at kasper(guy i went to germany with) 's place, where henrik (guy i called during drunkness) also was. we were andreas, jan, peter, andreas' brother (also called kasper), ida, johan (andreas' friend) and me. andreas and his brother had been drinking a lot and andreas was as usual when he's drunk. his brother... just the same, just more outgoing. hard to describe. i had an argument with the vodka again. it just didn't go down. yet, we still had such a great time. anyways. we went to the gasstation and back again. i made andreas' brother buy me cola. i so rule at making guys buy me stuff. (note for later use: do that.)
when we were back again, andreas' brother had discovered my passion for gays. if it disgusted him or attracted him, i don't know, but somehow he had to kiss my cheek to prove that he wasn't gay. me and my big mouth yelled "oh yeah like that's gonna proove." that could have gotten me into troubles.

i then played with henrik's mobile. i wrote in my number and got his.. then i wrote him. just a simple "hey" but then we started joking, flirting and stuff (no not dirty stuff). it was fun, innocent. he wrote me that i was damn nice and sweet. oh and funny. and cute. ahh. it continued.. we never SPOKE about it tho.

anyways. we ended up in the hallway. andreas' brother started talking to me, being very very close to me. he touched my leg, hand, arm, cheek - he was everywhere. notice; he got a girlfriend. he's been with her for a very long time, apparently. but sure, i thought, he's just a bit touchy feely. no trouble with that..!


later, i was sitting on the floor next to him. notice that i was still writing with henrik and that andreas was still in the room. all of a sudden, henrik's and andreas' brother's attentions were on me and how i can't whistle. they wanted to teach me. while andreas' brother was touching me several places while going; "just calm down, just calm down.. shh.. easy. point your lips, like you were going to kiss someone (here i stuck out my tongue. made them laugh. hah. hah.)..."
and henrik went; "you can do it! you can do it!"
i finally managed to whistle, even though andreas' brother's comments reminded me so much of how pommer spoke to me that night.

then andreas' brother began again. he said;
"look at me! listen. you have to think positive. you're beautiful, pretty, sweet, charming. you're hot! you're very funny and such a sweet girl. i hate it when girls think bad about themselves - my girlfriend does that. but you don't! you have to know that you're great."
i just stared at him, saying; "how's that gonna help me whistle?"(:

then he kinda managed to take me in his arms! he tried to kiss me! in front of henrik, andreas and the whole lot. i was, as i normally do when people try to kiss me, screaming and talking nonstop. but this time i really meant it; tho he was cute and sweet and i really really wanted to kiss him, andreas was in the room, i had something going with henrik, he was very drunk and he had a girlfriend. everything was so wrong. when i said he had a girlfriend, he didn't react. i managed to fight my way out of his very very possesive grip of me. i managed to laugh it of, take it as a joke. andreas gave me an... empty? look. not so nice. but god, i wanted to kiss his brother.

so he lay down, his brother, and started playing with the opening in my pants from behind. people couldn't see it, but i still removed his hands... after a few seconds. twenty or something. aherm. later; he would be staring at me, waiting for me outside of the bathroom, where i'd been chatting to ida* a whole lot about them all.

andreas, jan, johan and peter went home, leaving us with henrik, kasper and andreas' brother. i chatted to henrik, tried to see how he was and such as. he was okay - funny and sweet. we then went home, where i walked with him most of the way.

guess what?

he's sara's childhood friend !

he played with her when they were children. reason number ONE why i should start something with him !!

hmm. i said goodbye to him, thinking; now he has to try something. finally alone, i mean. but no. not even a hug.

so i went home and we agreed, by phone, to meet again soon. i then wrote him; "and then you're gonna get some balls and do something."

he replied; "oh okay! i just didn't know how you'd react or if you had a boyfriend."

soo... that was it. he's writing me now reguarly, but then again, i am responding him. oh well. enough with this essay.

martinez was a dirtbag this morning. said i was stupid when i was drunk. fuck him. idiot!!

Monday, March 21

it's awful, it's horrifying, it's a miracle. martinez has become a human. remember this?

>I wrote Martinez, then. I asked him if he knew how it felt to realise that the one you cared so much for, turned out to be a prick. He was a bit cold, till he found out I wasn't talking about him. Then he did absolutely nothing. He spoke about dick and pussy as if he... didn't care.
I didn't cry when I lost Lasse. But I couldn't cope with Martinez as well. I started crying, and I am still. Like the night I told my feelings to Lasse. Martinez said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't be talking to me about this. I'm not good at it."
And I told him honestly, "Right now there's no one else to talk to."
And he kept on going with his charming words. Fuck, what a bastard. Lea told me he was sensitive. I mean, for litterally crying out loud, he's sensitive and... friendly.. to everyone but me. Maybe he's not as I thought.< (23.12.05)
i hated his guts, seriously. now... now it's different. now... oh, it gives me the shivers just to write this...

me; advice. lasse, remember him? the idiot?
martinez; yes
me; i've had him blocked since january, cause he was an idiot. but now he's written me through many of his friends and asked why. should i unblock him again?
martinez; if you don't mind him, then unblock. but if he's a pig, then fuck him.
me; he IS a pig.. but doesn't he deserve to know that that's why i blocked him?
martinez; if i was you, i'd probably give him a chance...
me; yeah, maybe. i just don't think he'll change.
martinez; i don't think so either. but now it's your turn to set him straight!
me; and that'll be fun.

look at him now! friendly, nice, giving advices.. it's almost scary. i could just embrace him and hug him and.. oh. what's going on? damn him. btw, it's the second time he "gives me away" to someone else.

Saturday, March 19

i heard from my brother. he wrote me that the reason why he hadn't answered me, was because he had no money on his phone. i don't know, i don't want to worry my head about that right now. it doesn't matter now anyways.

changing the subject.. i went surfing for blogs, and found one that said; >looking back, my biggest regret have been that i didn't take enough pictures.<
it kinda touched me. i want to go out and buy a camera.. not a digital one (can't afford it) but just a cheap one.. sad thing is; i can't afford that either. the cameras we have here are all broken or too old. and it costs a fortune to develope the pictures. yet, this is the best time of my life. the best year is this. everything will change after the summer. besides; i'll go to italy without a camera. i think that's bad. i'll go through my sisters blossoming 11th year without a camera. i'm not trying to force pity upon me, i'm just airing my thoughts. it hit me. i for example regret not having taken any pictures of my granmothers garden during the summers. i loved it so much.

speaking of... what is it with people and making me feel guilty? today i was too ill to go deliver laura to my grandmother on the central station, so my mum went instead. i'd looked so much forward to seing grandma. when mum came home, she said; "it's probably good you didn't go. she had planned to yell at you for spending all those money ON YOURSELF."
i can't even write it without crying. my biggest fear is becoming selfish... the one thing i secretly hate about myself more than my body, my voice, my lack of selfcontrol; is my selfishness which i know i have. it's just killing me. at the same time she wanted to give me 300 kroner. i want to say no when she comes next-next friday. i don't want her money no matter how much i need them. i'd rather have her thinking good thoughts about me than getting money for useless stuff; clothes, vodka and tickets. the one person who just can't call me selfish just did. it's just not a nice feeling. it really really hurts. she's the one person who can really hurt me. she shouldn't be allowed to. damn it, two nights of crying. it has got to end. let me get well soon. i want to go out and exercise.. another thing i feel guilty over not doing - though i fuckin sneeze every fifth minute.

fuck you.

Friday, March 18

it would be good if i killed someone right now. i'd go to jail. get warm meals every day. i'd get fresh air. my own room which wouldn't need cleaning, cause i wouldn't have much to mess with. my mum wouldn't have to live with me spending all these money. she could even get my room. plus, i want to kill someone. i want to do a school massacre at the school..

i'm partly joking.

i have several reasons for not going to the westlife concert afterall.
_ i have now for a while tried to get tobias to get me the 300 kroner. he hasn't responded nor given me the money. it was due to tomorrow. it's too late.
_ i do not want to borrow money from any one
_ my mum won't be able to pay her bills if i spend the 1200 kroner on the trip.
_ it's basicly not worth it.
_ i can get very ill
_ i'll miss my first day on the job with my boss.
_ i'll miss two school days.

i love westlife.. i love going to their concerts, i love sleeping outside, i love talking to the girls.. to them, it doesn't matter if i party, if i'm ugly or fat or a beauty queen, it doesn't matter if i'm rich or poor, if i'm twelve or twenty, they're so open and so kind and it's the only time a year i really feel like i belong and like i'm actually wanted in a large group of people. it's the first time people actually listen to me.
- but this trip will cost too many money. unless 1500 kroner falls down my lap before tomorrow morning, i will not be able to go. i'm not going. i want westlife to feel guilty... no, i want everyone else to feel guilty. my mum, tobias, BMG, jylland... everyone should feel so damn guilty, cause they refuse to see how important this is to me. and people refuse to realise that just because i don't shout westlife in the streets or talk about them twentyfourseven (i found out you didn't listen) it doesn't mean i don't care. you out of all people oughta know that.

i don't want to talk about it anylonger. henry keeps bringing it up, but she just doesn't listen to me. she doesn't understand.. plus i caught the cold, i'm ill.. not the best night ever. janneke wrote me - she has troubles with wytske. then i had to tell iena that i won't buy her concert ticket anyways. she complained. then i had to listen to my mums "we have no money, i'm not getting my pair of pants or my haircut this time either" speech.. then andreas freaked out on me because i wouldn't take 350,- of his money. tomorrow i was supposed to go to fyn with my sister and see my grandma again.. i was looking so much forward too it. but i'm too ill. on top of it all; i've just realised what i'm missing out on, because i wrote it here. damn it. the last time i cried over westlife was last march when brian left.. it was just a few tears, but now it happened again. shame on me. you know what, fuck you. shame on westlife - jylland!? c'mon what the fuck were you thinking? that's it. i'm going to bed. too much ignorance and let-downs in one day. goodnight.
Image hosted by

last photo. me @ central park. picture taken by mikkel. situation; me tryin to tell tobias i'm going home.
photo shoot #2
name; my model friend
tag line; makes me starstruck

photo number one;
Image hosted by
pretty in pink

photo number two;
Image hosted by
black and white beauty

photo number three;
Image hosted by
few can wear orange

photo number four;
Image hosted by
uh, wow.

it's amalie, my friend, the model. like; woaw.
photo shoot #1
name; my brother's alchohol problem.
tag line; the evidence -

evidence number one;
Image hosted by
new year's eve, i believe.

evidence number two;
Image hosted by
last friday.

evidence number three;
Image hosted by
last sunday (notice; phone equals troubles)

tho i still love him and feel so damn guilty that i've asked him to lend me those 300... i hope so much that my grandma will give me money when i get there. damn me, damn me!

Thursday, March 17

martinez arguement /slash/ attempt to make him show that side; that doesn't exist after all:

me; martinez got hurt :-)-
martinez; me? hurt? only a few things can hurt me.. when i'm sad, and when someone makes fun of it. that's when i get hurt.

me; you're not supposed to have feelings inside to be sad?
martinez; just so you know it, litauers have feelings, whether you believe it or not.

me; i know. it's boys in general i mean.
martinez; i think boys have just as many feelings as girls.

me; yeah. but girls know how to handle it where boys don't.
martinez; what's the point?

me; you may have feelings, but apparently not for so many people.
martinez; i only have for certain people.

me; yeah, and you're completely cold to everyone else.
martinez; that's me.

me; be proud.
martinez; yeah, i have a good life, right? i'm not cold to people who hasn't done me anything.

me; whatever.
martinez; you think i've been cold to you? is that what you're trying to say?

me; it doesn't matter.
martinez; no it's not.

me; i think it is.
martinez; sometimes i'm cold, yeah... and there are a lot of girls i'm cold to. to most girls, actually. mostly to those to boss me around.

me; you have a reason to do that? do i boss you around?
martinez; you don't boss me around.

me; you just generally can't stand me?
martinez; i'm not saying that i can't stand you.

me; you're only cold to those who boss you around!
martinez; ok, i'm lost now.

me; it doesn't matter.
martinez; i just think you're nasty sometimes... sometimes too much, but other than that it's nice.

me; as said - that's how i am. like i don't want to or even want to try to change you, it goes the other way as well.
martinez; yeah... i changed my mind a lot, when you said you would... you-know.

me; that was sooo way back, martinez... december! we're in march!
martinez; then i started to ignore you.

me; yes! germany!
martinez; i'm not saying i'm ignoring you now. but it was bad back then.

me; you still think i want to do it.
martinez; no no. i don't know.

me; i don't want to, martinez... don't you think i've learned anything?
martinez; yeah you found someone else... pommer! :-)-

martinez; no, i'm jokin...
martinez; sorry.

me; i've learned so much about blowjobs, you, me, and yeah ME in the past 3-4 months.
martinez; that's the spirit! and apparently you've learned that i'm a pig. i hope so.

me; all boys are pigs.
martinez; no, i'm more a pig than others.

me; that's discuss-able.
martinez; yes.

me; doesn't matter. you can't be proud to be a pig.
martinez; yes you can. now i want to ask, if i'm still invited to your party.

me; it's a class party. so yes.
martinez; ok, i'll be there. ;-)

me; you owe me vodka.
martinez; strawberry?

me; anything. as long as it has alchohol in it. loadsa alchohol.
martinez; okay. absinth.

me; deodorant for all i care.
martinez; ok.

Wednesday, March 16

i think leah is sad. so i'm doing this diary entry, the leah style. i'm thinking about showing her this diary again. she's not feeling very good, and if she can be entertained by this thing, then why not? it would almost be selfish of me not to show it to her. the reason why i didn't let my classmates see it, was because they came too close. i hope leah will stay close! she knows a lot about me now. and i think i know something about her.
_ she's indie
_ she's pretty
_ she's fond of music
_ she was once blond!
_ she worships satan in the darkness of her basement... or not.
_ she likes mouses singing.
_ she, just like me, doesn't fancy bitch parties.
_ she's deeper than most girls her age (thank god)
_ she's a good, good friend.
and what was my first impression of leah?
we were in sweden on our intro-trip. i know. horrible words, them "sweden" and "intro trip". anyways. i slept next to amalie and leah... i remember thinking; those are the girls i want to become friends with. they're the only danish girls at this school!
... so it felt!!! (emo / indie kids always make three !s)

this takes me back to last friday, the 11th march. amalie, leah, lea*, ida, natasia and lea*s boyfriend and lea*s boyfriend's friend and i all went to copenhagen to my brother's party.. or mikkel's party... anyways, a party held at central park in copenhagen. the vodka burned my throat and i just couldn't take it in, so i was painfully sober all night.
when we got there - i was, of course v.i.p and got in for free - they took my vodka (thank you?) and left me with nothing but a non-blurry sight. all the girls, apart from leah, went dancing. leah went upstairs to play with her phone and hold jackets. i hate dancing, i really do. i suck at it. i really really cannot dance. but the girls made me do it... as much as possible. the girls on the dancefloor were bitches! i was like; you gotta be jokin' me! they gave me the KILLER eyes all the time, pushed around, one girl even KICKED my freakin' leg because i walked past her! i started hating being there, as i couldn't afford to get drunk. plus, i was upset on the behalf of leah! i tried to sit with her, but the music and smoke and guys (btw, like, 90% of the guys were 'foreigners'...) made it impossible for us to talk. finally, my brother came, and leah said she wanted to go home - and that she'd go home alone if it was necessary. i loved her! i immediately said i'd go with her. amalie started acting bitchy and all, which i understand a bit, but not completely. she was a bitch towards leah i think. so unfair. anyways, i said goodbye to tobias - which got caught on a picture by mikkel, btw. then we left. i liked the ride home. it was nice chatting to the girls and tho it had been a horrible night for poor sober me, i liked the thought of being out on the town with leah and amalie.

leah was a bit sad, because amalie was acting that way... i tried to cheer her up a bit.. i think i was simply too tired to do it right, but at least i tried. i have to make it up to her. i have to go with her to an indie concert sometime. - when i get the money.
i owe my brother 300, i owe ida 40... i still owe henry 150,-... it's so awful..

on the other hand, i did get a job at the bakery. it's nice. sure, you can eat all you want, but i choose not to. so far i made it. what do you say? i'm a good girl? i know.

i think i have to go now. i don't know what i'll do with leah... i think i'll give it to her. if she promises me to smile.

in dedication to leah:
leah's great, leah's funny,
leah's emo, leah's indie!

leah's sweet, leah's wonderful,
leah's amazing, leah's beautiful!

leah's a princess, leah will mend,
cause leah is the best indie friend!

Thursday, March 10

I'm a bad girl and not in the good way. Write in my shoutbox or I'll get depressed.

Tuesday, March 8

... And then we hugged. Again. I hugged Martinez for the second time ever. Hey, remember the last time? It was actually 4 months minus one day since. It was the 9th of November. I remember this, because it was the day before my birthday. Now it happened again. The whole evening started when Lea* invited me to her place along with the others; Yunus, Pommer, Natasia, Nanna (westlife girl from the party), Martinez and me. It was funny, alright, and I got an awful lot of attention from Martinez, because of the prank Merete and I are pulling on him, with her fake profile at Arto. He called himself "unscoreable". Well, gee. He touched me a lot. Put his hand on my shoulder, put his foot against mine, etc. He was very nice. I won't fall for him again, please don't let me do it. I was just getting used to not obsessing.
Good news! The girl Nadia he hit on at the party has gotten together with Mickey who used to go to our school. So ha ha ha, in your face, Martinez.
Ohh, damn, he also asked Natasia; "What is the story you wanted to tell me at the party?"
She'd forgotten that I'd told her that I fancied Martinez at the party, and she'd just told him "I know a story about you, but I'll tell you later." And then she forgot. But he didn't. So Natasia tried desperately to get it out of me. But I refused to say it. I was strong. Be damn proud of me. She can't know, she can't, she can't, she can't. She's his "very bestest friendliest friend in the entire world" - ew.
I was apparently more drunk than I thought last Friday. All the things I thought I'd only mentioned a few times, I'd said like 20 times. Especially the "We're the only two who hasn't been drinking" line to Yunus. And the "Magnus is so hot" line to Lea*. It's awful. Anyways.
There's a party at Central Park, somewhere in Copenhagen, being held by Mikkel, my brother's friend. I'm trying to get as many as possible to come with me. It would be so cool... Especially Martinez. He said he'd think about it.
Oh, where was I?
After having been to Lea*s place, we went to the gasstation and sat down a bit. Then we walked home, till it was only Natasia, Martinez and me. I hugged them both goodbye. One armed. Oh yeah. I'm tired. I better check my mails 'n stuff and go to sleep.

Sunday, March 6

I know that Martinez will never, ever be with me or anyone else. If there was a person he'd be with, it would be Natasia by far. Not me. But I don't think he'll be with anyone until he matures or whatever his problem is. I also get the feeling he abuses me... He wants me to make his essays, he only speaks when spoken to, etc. Whatever. I know I'm right. Perhaps he's not even interested in my friendsship. I should let him go. Completely. Only speak when spoken to and try to completely ignore what the hell is going on between him and Natasia. "Well, let's just face it, Natasia is perfect." he said in Berlin, when the fourth guy made Natasia to be the hottest girl at school. She is perfect. She's always smiling, she's always sweet and helpful, she's not afraid of anything, she's so beautiful... Hell, even I could fall for her. If he is to be with a girl, it should be her. I think it would be more of a relationsship than the one she has with Mikkel. When I know I have no chance - whatsoever - with Martinez, why do I still play-pretend to care for him? Do I care for him? I'm gonna try to delete him off my MSN list... No block. Just delete. There. It's done.
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These are pictures of my drunk x-boyfriend ( so hot so hot so hot ) and his good friend, Hjalte, who has learned to speak since 3 years ago. He's very drunk too. The bottom pictures are of me, as they wouldn't let me see their webcam unless I had mine on. They tried to make me flash, but I said no. Then they got too drunk and shut the window. Anyways. He's so gorgeous!! Magnus is, of course, the guy with the black shirt. Wow. Wow. He looks better sober.

Saturday, March 5

Heartbroken, but not that creative:

I pretended another him wanted me,
I guess I thought he then would see,
Realise he needed me,
but he just gave me away
Well, this is the day after last night. I have horrible hangovers, and painful memories from last night.

We arrived in just the right time - artistically late. Martinez, who'd said he'd be there by 10, was already there with the rest of the guys. I could feel that I was definitely not drunk enough.
Then Magnus came. I haven't seen him since like, 6 months ago. He was so gorgeous! Oh my GOD! I have damn good taste. Or, uhm, had.. Later, Hjalte, his old good friend came over and talked to me. First he asked how long I dated Magnus. Then he asked if I still fancied him and stuff, where I said; "What? It was 3 or 4 years ago.. But he's very hot! So are you, by the way!" or something like that. I don't know why he asked me that. If Magnus some day gets tired or something, of his girlfriend, Nadia, I'd be happy to take over. I mean, think about it; he has great friends, he's danish, he's sweet, funny, hot, fantastic, etc., etc,. He's everything Martinez's not.

Anyways. Martinez. Sigh. Ida* and I met these two guys. One was called Mads and the other was called Soren. Mads kinda wanted to talk to me mostly, while Soren was majorly interested in Ida. Anyways, I wasn't interested in Mads, as I'd seen Martinez speak to Nadia, that sweet, sweet girl we'd been to Piccadilly with. Mads was the type who was friends with HashLasse from my old class and that type.. He'd been drugfree for two days or something like that. He was sweet, but not my type. Reachable, I guess. So I sat there with Soren and Ida. I mean, yay. Third wheel. I asked Ida if I should find out what kind of guy Soren was, his rep and stuff like that. She said yes. So I went to find Martinez, don't know why, but I knew he knew him. He was talking to Nadia, and I bend over and whispered; "That guy Soren, how is he? Is he a bad guy? Desperate or something like that?"
Where he replied, now this hurts; "Noo, he's okay, he's a bit weird and stuff, but he's a nice guy.. so you can do what you want with him."
Followed by a wink. A friendly wink. He'd just encuraged me to be with Soren! I just stood there for a second. Said thanks and let him know that it was Ida I was talking about. I could have screamed in his face that I DIDN'T WANT SOREN, I WANTED HIM! He wouldn't have said that if he wanted me! CRY!

Earlier, I had also told Natasia - Martinez' bestest friend in the, like, entire world, bleurghhh - and she'd said to him "I know something about you.". But I think she later forgot. I'm not sure. Anyways. Stupid mistake.

So. Baljit, the guy who've I've gone to school with for 4 or 5 years sat with the guys and spoke. I was forced to sit in between them - Guuf, Yunus, Lars, etc. - and talk about the Pommer thing. Pommer was there too, he was dancing his little happy techno dance, while he tried to get together with a girl named Nanna - whom I btw, spoke to in the bathroom where she told me she'd been a major westlife fan and she had always been jealous of me. Well, Nanna!
Anyways, the guys were so funny, although they hit a nerve. They tried to teach me to drink beer and Lars told me that his cat was called the same as me, and it was large and grey and stuff. I love his cat. Lars would be a pretty nice catch as well. Hey, so would Hjalte. Although, they are also both occupied by girlfriends and small Pumbas.

Oh, Magnus... You came and you gave without taking.. But I sent you away, ohh Magnus..

I met Lea*s boyfriend, Kenneth. He does so not look like Eminem. I made sure he knew that as well, hehe.

We came home around 2:30, afterI had pulled Ida* out of Soren's grip and given him Ghadirs number instead of hers. I fell asleep. Stood up at 8, puked, went to sleep in my sister's bed. Now I'm here.

Thursday, March 3

Gee, guess what? I'm back. There are two stories of Martinez, I just realised, I haven't told you. One is about the day I fell for him, the other is about his 'unlucky' and 'incomplete' first sexual experience. This may probably also be the entry that sets the conclusion: Martinez will NOT see this diary.

The story of; when I fell for Martinez..
During one of our first english lessons at school, we got an assignment. We were to read about a woman who had come from a foreign country to live in Denmark. We were to discuss it in groups, and then pick one person who should do an interview with the rest of the class, pretending he/she was the woman we'd read about. I sat with Jan and Andreas and we had loadsa fun. I was chosen. When we came to the class, Martinez was the first to sit and act in front of the class. I can't tell you exactly what he said, I forgot that, but I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and litterally troubles breathing. I've never laughed that much before, in my entire life. I think I started noticing him then and I slowly fell for him. That's the earliest memory I have of him.
That day, or later that week or month, I was in Sports Club. I saw Martinez, while waiting for B. He sat down and started talking to me and I asked; "What are you waiting for?"
Where he replied; "No one! Oh, you want me to leave?"
And I remember thinking to my self: damn. He's here because he wants to talk. I fell for him. Right on my ASS.

The story of; Martinez' first time..
Martinez is a virgin, but this story goes around. Martinez has a friend called Rune. Once, don't ask me how they got into the situation, but they were with Putte, doing a 3some. They were all naked and stuff, and Rune was doing Putte. Martinez was all ready, etc etc., when Rune finished and it was his turn. Just as he was about to thrust her, Rune says: "HURRY UP! We have to get a bus in 5 minutes!"
Of course, Martinez was under so much pressure, he lost it. What can I say? They reached the bus in time, I guess. That was his "first time". I love that story.

She's been naked with my Martinez!! (but I'd rather be where I am now, than looking like her. Hah!)
I am so tired, it's unbelievable. I'm wondering, what if I get up early tomorrow - oh, let's say 8? I have an hour to clean up my room and do the rest of my picture analyses. Or I could just shoot myself. Damn it, I'm so tired.

Anyways... Martinez? Is he still nice to me? I got a picture of his.. friend?... a girl named - shudder shudder - Putte. She's the girl he once almost had a threesome with. She wrote him at Arto, and I hate it. He thinks she's a whore though. Heh.

Tomorrow there's a party.. It's Lea*s and Pumba's birthday party. Oh, I still don't have a present for them. Oh well, their loss. I'm gonna meet up with Ida and we'll have loadsa fun.

Hulya and Ghadir teased me today... I "spoke" to Pommer today, for the first time since IT happened. Well, Hulya asked him if he was going to the party. Then she asked me. We both said yes. Then Leah broke into some kind of unsatisfied sigh, and I said; "Aww c'mon, at least it's not PiccaDilly!" cause she really hates Piccadilly. Then Pommer said; "Hey! There's nothing wrong with PiccaDilly."
That was our meaningful conversation.

Today, I've been really moody, I don't know why. I felt like hitting Hulya and Ghadir really, really hard. REALLY! Oii, so awful. I was so angry all day. God knows why!

I am so tiiired..

Then I went to the movies with Tobias and Stina. It was very nice, though I only heard and saw half of "The Grudge", which we saw. Stina is still so nice... They suit each other perfectly. To be honest, I thought that she'd leave him right after she'd seen his stepfathers side of the family - mine! Hehe.

Now I know why I'm writing here. It's to get out of making my analyses. Damn it. DAMN IT.