Monday, February 28


Sunday, February 27

Yesterday I went shopping with Henry - all in all, yesterday was a great day. I went to Field's for the first time ever, and I loved it, though I only got to see H&M and the ice cream shop. I found a party shirt, two hoodies and a pair of pants. I wanted to buy a push-up bra as well, but I was in lack of money. I'll take some pictures of my new clothes later (if I remember).

It was GREAT talking to Henry, as she's the kind of person you can talk to for hours and hours. Oh, and she convinced me to give her this blog address. I was, and still is, in doubt, cause she is someone very close to me, as Andreas, Peter and Leah became too. I just don't want to write something because I know she'll read it. Hmm. I'll just be honest then.

I'm planning a Jyde-tour. I spoke to Merete by phone yesterday, it was quite emotional, cause I confronted her with our problems. I apologised and she agreed that our friendsship was too good to just lose. During our Easter vacation, I'll probably go visit her and then Linda. Is 3 days too many with Linda? Will we be able to talk? Yeah, of course we will. Vodka always helps.

Speaking of.. Last night, after the shopping spree with Henry, I went to my dad's place, where Tobias, Stina his girlfriend, Laura and my dad and Birgit were waiting. It was great - we laughed till 23 or something. Suddenly, my nose started bleeding, though. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it was still weird.

Birgit gave me loadsa tips on dieting, food and stuff, and I can't wait to start on it! I hope it'll work out. Here, I'm ignoring the major Sundae I ate with Henry. I don't really regret it, but still... It was baaaaad.

Saturday, February 26

25.03.05 22:50 I love; Stephen Lynch, talking on the phone for hours, chocolate, cocoa, gossiping, getting possitive attention from Martinez, listening to music, finishing a good song, getting a phonecall or mail from longlost friend, getting reminded of a good memory, not having to worry about anything or anyone, reading a good book, driving by train, bus or taxi, meeting celebrities, going to concerts, getting straight As, Steve Walker, reading Stephen Lynch's lyrics, writing a good story, chatting to Andreas, going to the movies with Naja, drinking vodka with my class, kisses, hugs, laughter, the song "Lola", my grandmother, cola light, spinning, my duvet, a nice hot shower, getting a letter and... orgasms?

25.02.05 23:28 I love; Martinez' red underpants, Cristina's friendliness, my brother's kindness, my sister, the smell of laundry, taking pictures, getting a hug from someone - unexpectedly, getting gifts, having money to buy gifts, shopping, dogs, discovering new good music, being satisfied with my MSN nickname, getting compliments, achieving a goal, looking at men/guys kiss, Ida, my stephmum, sunglasses, earrings, Meat Loaf, English, pancakes, wearing new clothes, my yellow shirt with multiple coloured dots on, rings, Berlin, Mehmet's hair, my MP3player, when Martinez takes pictures of himself, Andreas' stupid japaneese songs, loud music, The Ark, Forum by summer, Pamela Anderson and my mobile phone.

Thursday, February 24

Our hamster, Perle, died this morning. With nothing being said for fun; I honestly believe that Perle has gone to Hamster-Heaven and is hanging out with all his new hamster mates. That's a thought I like.

First I pushed away the sadness, but I cried when I came home to bury him. I had to do it, cause Laura couldn't see it. It would be too harsh on her. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I put him in a box with a broken earring, a plastic star and a nickle. I couldn't bury him... Mum said; "He's dead now." As in, it doesn't matter. And that is right.. He was dead. I wanted to make it prober, though. I wrapped his box in silver and put it in a bag. It was so hard, but I had no other choice than to put him in the trash tupe we have nearby. I kept hoping it would somehow understand why I didn't bury him or why I didn't make a gravestone or anything. It wasn't a nice experience and I wasn't that awake in Danish class. I told Birthe why, and she understood. I got cheered up in school, though no one knew about Perle.

Martinez was one of the sweetest. He talked to me a lot, used my computer, showed me pictures of the Tsunami disaster, laughed at me and took pictures with my phone.

He was so kind to me all day... Did he know I was sad? Or is that just how he is?

When Laura came home around 3 o'clock, I had to tell her about Perle. I said to her that I had something to tell her, and as the dramatic little princess she is, she asked if dad had died. I said no, but by then she had already looked down the empty box where Perle used to live.
"What's happened with Perle?" she asked.
"It's dead." I said. Then she cried for some minutes and asked questions and such as. We just sat on the floor in the hallway, giving Perle a few moments of silence. I think he liked it.

I think I'll go to sleep early.

Wednesday, February 23

My life is symbolic! If my life was a movie, they'd be discussing it at the imdb boards.
See. We were in Danish class and Birthe showed us all an "artistic" picture of some kids, all wearing different footballclub-related shirts. One wore a Brondy shirt. Lasse was a huge fanatic of Brondby. Martinez didn't know this. Yet, Martinez said; "Brondby sucks!"

If this had been a movie, the comments it would get would be as this; "You can see that when Martinez says that Brondby sucks, he's really reffering to Lasse, and that let's us know that Lasse really sucks and that Martinez is better."

So right.

So what else? Martinez. Sigh. He was so nice to me today. Not extraordinarily nice, but sweet. He sat on my, tried to, spoke to me, didn't want to be excluded from conversations. He also had his arm around Natasia at one point, but I'm trying to erase the picture from my mind.

Tuesday, February 22

I was going to answer Janneke's mail right now, but it's been so long since I last wrote in my diary. It's not because much is going on. Well, I do things every now and then, but not things I'm desperate to tell people. For example, Martinez is still being nice to me and stuff. Everything is nice and easy after I left Lasse behind. He asked me through Nina's MSN why I had blocked him. I didn't reply. What was I to say?


Friday, February 18


I took a test which spoke for itself.
I asked my mum about my free essay I have to write. I don't know how, but we got into a fight - as she interupted me before I could finish any sentence, and we were clearly talking past each other. She ended the whole discussion by saying; "I don't want to spend an HOUR standing here talking about you!"
Like; auch. Whatever. I don't know what her problem is right now. She's begun to smoke again, and I absolutely hate it. Not only is she killing herself- which gives her no right to act patriotic - but she is also lying to us, and she's being damn weak, especially by hiding it. I bet that if we "caught her" she'd just pretend like she hasn't been hiding it. Even more weak. Her being so weak, makes me hate myself for being offended when she doesn't acts like a real mother should. It annoys me so much.

She makes me feel like the biggest looser in the entire world. That is really how I feel right now. What the fuck?! Is she getting confidence by mocking her own daughter or what!? It's fucking sick! She has to critisise me all the time, tease me, hint to me, and really dig the hole deeper, deeper and deeper till I couldn't feel worse. When I'm by myself I slowly fill the hole, but when she comes again... arghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 17

So I almost got a job. I went with Lea* to the "Gold Bakery" and her boss practically promised me a job very soon. I really hope that it will work out.

Today is my sisters 11th birthday! I'm so proud of her and I miss her so much. Am going to pick her up tomorrow at the central station.

Monday, February 14

In the day's occasion:

A few verses from the song I wrote to Mark:

O trustworthy Mark,
I love your sense of sanity and way of keeping calm,
I want to have our destiny together written in my palm,
But -
The straitjacket may appear, and well, you might be gay,
I really don't care - I'll do you anyway

O angelic Mark,
I crave your 4 famous friends - they're hot,
And I got a thing for big feet - What?
But -
Loneliness and leprosy can come any given day,
I really wouldn't care - I'd do you anyway

O sexy Mark,
I love the thing that bulges your pants - makes me moist,
And the warmth and greatness of your spectacular voice,
But -
Impotence and muteness can come any given day,
I really wouldn't care - I'd do you anyway
(Well, as much as physically possible)

O wonderful Mark,
I love your wallet and the way it grows,
I especially love how fans pay 35 pounds for first rows,
But -
Money, fame and luck can disappear any given day,
I really, really wouldn't care - I'd do you anyway
(I really would!)

(c) written by me

Today was nice and easy. It's the first real day of my holiday vacation and I spent 99% of it in bed, with my duvet pulled up over the radiator. I then went shopping for food - I bought O'boy, tuna, 4,5% low fat mayo and mandarines. That was probably the most useless information you've recieved in a long time. I kinda miss Martinez, though I've forgotten about him. It's kinda strange.

Just watching "Wilbur wants to kill himself". It strikes me that it was the first movie I've spoken about in this diary. Does that mean we've come a long way, or what? Y'know, I never ever imagined that I could pull through with this diary thing. It's the first time I've really been able to keep up with a diary. That's an achievement, I guess.

Me#1: Wait a minute... Will that say that you've actually done something you can be proud of? That you're not the pathetic looser you've always told yourself you was?
Me#2: Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves here... Just because I can manage to keep an online diary, it doesn't mean I can keep up anything I want.
Me#1: Or does it? C'mon, girl. You're gorgeous, kind and warm-hearted. You can do this fucking diet!
Me#2: Gee, I wonder who holds the ego here.
Me#1: Somebody's jealous, I guess. No worries, dear. You're gonna wake up tomorrow, eat your veggies, drink some water and let O'boy be your only comfort. Your last comfort. You don't need food to stay strong. You got everything! A nice room, music, a computer, imagination, love for movies and the best fucking duvet in the entire world!
Me#2: You're right and I should know that, but... I'll forget all that tomorrow.
Me#1: Only if you let yourself forget it. Give it a go! Use music as your inspiration! And write... Write till your fingers bleed.
Me#2: We can do this! We can!
Jay McGraw: That's more like it!
*Me#1 & Me#2 punches Jay McGraw*

I don't know what's going on in my head sometimes.

I miss Henry and Linda so much! They've been to Barry Feehily's house today - or well, Linda has - she rang the doorbell and Barry answered. She handed over my gift (1 bag of candy + my Mark song) and asked him to give it to Mark! He said he'd do it. Damn it, I love Linda so much! They're so cool... Henry also called me last night several times to let me hear the concert. It was great. I was so depressed yesterday, cried so much, and that just made me smile for the first time. It was great. Lise called me Saturday and let me hear.
I want to go with them the next time, I really do.

Lea* and Pumba are throwing a birthday party on the 4th of March.. damn it, Martinez will be there - jealous, drunk and ready for blowjobs and the whole lot - while I'm in Copenhagen for a The Ark concert. Oh, I could even have brought my brother... haha, imagine that. Hm, no. I don't even think I'll be seeing much of Tobias.. Maybe once, and that will be at my sisters birthday party... But he'll be too busy doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who. No matter how much I'll need him.

Anyways, I have to write an english essay about whatever I want. What, though? Something imaginary. How about... someone who dies and has to reflect on his life. What did he do wrong? What did he do right? Suicide, perhaps? I'll figure it out. Ideas are very welcome.

Sunday, February 13

I care so much for my dad. He's the best in the entire world.

I'm so annoyed at the moment - yeah, it's called hormones. My mum is driving me CRAZY! I feel like punching her so hard all the time. "Looks like someone has to do the dishes!" ¤%#&@£${!!! Of course!! How else are we gonna be able to ever eat again?? "How is project laundry coming up?" I'm in my bed watching TV, what the hell do you think!?

I got 500 kroner from my grandmother. Now I have to pay for the concert in Horsens myself! If I hadn't told my mum about the money, she'd have paid for everything. Selfish thinking? So what.

I've deleted everything I have that reminds me of Lasse. The pictures on my phone, the messages from/to him, his MSN, the songs on my computer, and I'm gonna take down most of my pictures from the wall as well. But no matter what I do, it still comes back to haunt me, as people write me all the time complaining that the party is off, well HALLELULJAH gee, guess what!? The party won't happen just because you weep about it! Is it? No! Forget it.

I feel like chocolate, candy and cola.. Help me! I must save money! It seems like everything is ruined at the moment. I just want to sleep or go outside or something - anything to get away from this place. I'm gonna go exercising with Amalie tomorrow. Right now, I really don't feel like it.

I've never felt so ugly in my life.
Jay McGraw: That's not possitive thinking.
Me: So?
Jay McGraw: It doesn't help your confidence, if you think like that all the time.
Me: Gee, you think!?
Jay McGraw: You have to stop telling yourself negative things. For example, what do you like about your body?
Me: This!
*Punches Jay McGraw so that he looses 3 teeth.*

Thursday, February 10

Scorpio - Long-distance communications either from or about a dear one will bring you good news -- news you've been waiting on for a long, long time. You can kick back and relax now. It's time to reap the rewards of patience.

WHAT!? I really, really can't wait to get those good news.

LasseFrom... Oh, I wanna smack his floppy ass till he's one big piece of pale fat, and then I want to feed him to.. to.. to... fungus!

I told him about the party being cancelled and he let out (as I'd expected) ALL his frustrations on me! On me! In my most girly days of the month! He sounded like a big baby, and I just hate him! I hate him! Really! Martinez, PLEASE come and kill him for me. I'll pay you loads. I'll be your slave forever. I'll clean your toilet with my own electric toothbrush. I'm begging you.
We had our "pre-math test" today, the written one. I did all 6 assignments in 1,5 hour, and then I couldn't do any more. I was the the 2nd of our class to leave. Then Ryan gave me 8 for my "moving away from home" project. He said to me, "If you can solve this in 5 minutes, you'll get 9."
Of course, I couldn't do it, although it was the most simple thing since slicing bread. So keep in mind that even slicing bread can be hard sometimes.
It's also Hulyas birthday today, she turns 17. She's so great, I care so much for her.
Remember last monday? After the teather we went to with school, I walked with Martinez home... Or correction, he was the only one headed all the way to my place, whereafter he borrowed my bike and drove home. We started talking a bit about Lasse and how Lasse had been teaching me danish/latin grammar on the train towards Roskilde last friday. He said, after having pleaded if he could come to the TSE-party, "Can I please hit that guy?"
A series of images ran through my head. I said that well, of course he could hit Lasse. It was so nice of him, although it probably wasn't for my sake he wanted to do it. Just hearing about those 2 minutes of Lasse-wannabe-wisdom made him irritated. Well, Martinez, try having been crazy about the guy.
I'm, by the way, cancelling the party. God, I feel like 140 people are going to be disappointed because of me, and Lasse, well, he'll probably hate me and have me assasinated or something. I just need to get it off my chest before the holiday, don't want that ruined.
I can't wait till tomorrow! First the written english exam (still a test one) then a visit by Henriette and then to Fyn to be with my grandmother! I hope it'll be fun!

Wednesday, February 9

I don't feel so good. Don't ask why, because I honestly don't know. I got the day off around 11.30 today again - meaning I had 6 hours all by myself at home. What did I do? I ate a pizza and then I slept. I'm pre-menstruel at the moment, and very, very annoyed at everyone and anything. I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate Martinez, I hate my mother, I hate my room, I just wanna scream and sleep for the rest of my life. I need help and I need inspiration to do this gonna-eat-lettuce-for-the-rest-of-my-life-thing.

Tuesday, February 8

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Nothing has happened today, absolutely nothing.

I have a feeling that the TSE-party will be cancelled. See, it was up to me to rent the room, and I swore to Lasse that it was going to be large enough for all 140 students. It's not until now I realise that there can't be 140 people inthere. I'm seriously screwed. I don't want to think about it. Kill me, shoot me, let me die!

Monday, February 7

Does anything new ever happen to my life? It's become a rutine. First I'm crazy about Martinez, then he becomes this asshole, and just as I made myself hate him, he's the most amazing guy in the world, and I fall for him all over again. Seriously, I just can't stand the rollercoaster rides.
Today, of course, he was nice. He almost seeked me up in class, to sit beside me and make our homework together (yeah it was english, but so?) and we spoke about the Pommer thing. I confronted him about the whole SMS thing, where him, Yunus and Daniel had written me by Pommer's phone. He laughed, but I think he was a bit ashamed. Anyways, he explained the situation to me, and kinda tried to make me feel better. He gave me an advice, reminding me horribly of Lasse. I said "I'll never, ever do it again!" whereas he responded "Just don't do it with anyone from our school."
I wanted to scream; GEE - you think!?
Oh well. When I'd written the first message to him, they'd been to a pizzaria. They'd all just frozen and looked at the screen with their eyes wide open. I can just imagine. That is kinda funny.
Anyways, I do think I'm a tiny bit over Martinez, but not completely. It'll happen.

Oh my! In Italy, where we're going in week 15, I'm going to live with 3 guys! A pair of brothers, aged 16 and 18, plus Rune from my school. It'll be hillarious. They thought of me, because I was "the less prejudging person". Hah! Now how great is that?

I had the strangest dream last night. I actually dreamed so many things.
I dreamed that my mother let my sister drive the car up the driveway. But a bear stood in the middle of the road, and my sister hit it! It knocked over the car, and my sister got seriously injured. Her leg and arm was twisted the completely wrong way. She had blood all over her face. My mother got her inside and into the bed to wipe off the blood and stuff. I came home and panicked, telling her that she should get my sister to the hospital, because it was very serious. My sister put on a brave face and pretended like it didn't hurt. I just kept shouting at my mother to get her to a hospital, but she refused. I knew it was because she was scared to realise that something was wrong.

Sunday, February 6

I miss this so much.
Just here to post a few of my favourite pics at the moment. I've been kinda down today, mostly because of LasseFrom, who's being an arse as usually.


Boom! I love that. I loooove it.

That is also a good thing.

Albulena's first single will be out in April, and I can't wait. She's my dear, dear, dear famous friend. Heh.

Saturday, February 5

Last night, last night, last night. What the hell went wrong?
Natasia, Ida and a girl named Nadia came by around 8.30, and we got ready, drank some vodka, talked, make-up'ed and went to the busstop, where we met up with Lea, Rie, Lena and her boyfriend, a girl named Vanessa and... Were there more people?
I was pretty wasted by then, but still understood Natasia, when she told me that it had been the boys from the school who'd written me from Pommer's phone - that explaining why they knew what they knew. I shrugged it off, and I'm planning to do so again. Anyways. We took the bus and train to Piccadilly. I think I managed to call Tobias on the way.
We had a blast! We danced all night, till we couldn't walk any longer. Then all 8 of us took a cap home, where Ida and I slept immediately. It was 4 o'clock. I woke up around 9, and couldn't sleep any longer.
I then had a really crappy day, trying to find a movie... Oh, it doesn't matter. It didn't go as I wanted it to.

If I murder LasseFrom I'll probably get into a lot of trouble with the government and stuff like that. It'll ruin my future.. But isn't it worth it? I'll consider that till the next time. I just want to sleep now.

Friday, February 4

I spent the morning with Lasse. As romantic, pure and sexy as that sounds, it was far from being anything like that. I met him at the train station. I had been up since 5, taken the earliest bus and had waited 20 minutes for him. We hugged at first, and then we started chit-chatting. We took the train, chit-chatted. Took another train. Chit-chatted. Jumped out of that train and "ran" away from each other. How utterly wonderful.
I could be crazy about him, as he IS funny and a great guy... But there's no chemestry.

I went with Rikke to school. That was such a nice experience to see teachers being engaged, and the students too. I am so looking forward to next year.

Martinez is now jealous of Peter. Hm.

Thursday, February 3

I think I figured it all out! "It" being my sad love life. See, during the last two days, I've become very, very good friends to Peter, who's being very nice to me. Well, Andreas is being very nice to me as well. I caught myself thinking, "what if they're into me?"
Selfish thought, I know, but that's not the point.
At the start, Martinez was very nice to me. So was Lasse. See a pattern? Because they were also charming and "my type", I fell for them - because I subconsciencely thought they liked me. And as you know, I tend to put too much into things, and so I've done with Lasse and Martinez. That's also why I tend to forget about them after a week or two without contact with them, and why I fall for them again, when they talk to me nicely again.
I solved my puzzle.
Neither is love. I'm not in love. It's all false feelings, because my subconscience teases me.
- You know you've overanalysed, when...
Sophie and Tobias got this link, and no one else. I won't give it to anyone in my class!

Wednesday, February 2

Peter got me convinced today, to show him this blog. Now I feel trapped and scared to write anything in here. Am also scared that the link will slip to someone it's not supposed to slip to. So I changed the link. I'll only show it to those who ask for it... As I can't delete 88splat from the internet completely. I suppose it'll only be Sophie and perhaps Tobias who'll get the link.. Maybe, but just maybe Leah. As she's genuinely interested. I think. I guess. I suppose.

Martinez is a pig.

Tuesday, February 1

Martinez has written me twice on MSN, whereafter he's told me to shut up when I answered his question.

I went to school today, despite my illness.

I ended up being with Martinez in the english class. I wrote a poem and he... glued some stuff on a piece of paper.

What else?

Oh yeah, I love not being home.