Saturday, January 29

I'm so tired of being ill. I've had the flu since last thursday and it's starting to get to me mentally. For example, I was watching yet another soap on TV, and I started laughing at the lamest joke ever.
Then today, LasseFrom called me about the invitations to the TSE party we're throwing - together. Yes, it has surprised me as well. Apparently, I'm now a part of it all, though Lasse is taking all the credit - why am I not surprised and why do I not care?
I miss seeing people, and I'll spend the whole of tomorrow on getting well. Uhm.
Nothing else is happening, really. I'm just lying in my bed, watching TV, eating sour bonbons and drinking apple juice. My mother gets on my nerves, and well, I haven't been outside a door since wednesday. I miss wearing jeans! I miss talking to people.

Apparently Pommer was in school this Friday... Lea said that he didn't get teased about anything. And Martinez was there. Weird. Does he only tease me - because it's me? I don't know. Even my english is lacking now.

Is it unnormal to hear voices in your head?

Thursday, January 27

I am ill.

Wednesday, January 26

I'm awfully bored, so I'll take you back to 2002, when my biggest dream at that time came true. I remember how simpel it was with boys back then. Or well.. Not that Mehmet was all that non-complicated. Anyways:

Isn't that nice? Me placed on Brian's lap. And that could make me happy.

Ohhh me ALMOST getting a kiss from Kian Egan. Damn, close, huh?

Ok, so yeah, I'm bored.

Do you know what Martinez said today? We were talking about his virginity and stuff, and he actually had the nerve to say, "I could get pussy if I wanted... from her!" and then he pointed at me. I was in shock! Why does he compare a blowjob to sex!? Why do people in general compare those two things!? I'd never spread my legs for a guy who wasn't my FAITHFULL and LOVING boyfriend, which is exactly what Martinez will never be. Good for him, that he has that much confidence, but he should forget about it. The nerve of that boy.

I want to go back to Berlin and sit in the back of the cool line 100 bus with Leah, Amalie, Hulya and Seher who's asking about the time. Let me go back!
Just as I thought I hated Martinez, he did what I knew he'd do, which was to confuse me even more, by writing me at the Arto site:

He's never done that before, I think, and it was so random, so... not him. It says "Can you guess who it is?"

I replied, "Give me a hint."

Despite my awful flu, the snot, the pains, the aches... I'm going to school tomorrow. I must.

Tuesday, January 25

Okay.. See if you can figure this out:

Me: What are you doing this weekend?
Him: go drinking. As usual.
Me: You only drink every other weekend.
Him: Or are you saying you want to give me a blowjob? HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Strangely enough, the word "blowjob" wasn't a part of the sentence "What are you doing this weekend"...
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Blowjobs and your weekend has nothing to do with each other!
Him: You don't understand anything. I think I'll block you again.
*He goes offline*

What a freak! Anyways. Leah and Hulya may be kinda right. He may be a tiny bit interested in my attention. I got him blocked now as well. Let's see who wins.
Too many people know about Pommer and I. And is that my faulth? Partly. Yunus said to me today, almost judgemental "I thought you were gonna keep it a secret."
As if I had written it on the walls. I don't want to talk or think about it again, it's getting old and it's annoying. The whole B class was talking about it, Hulya said. Damn it, why does Martinez know how to convince me into saying these things? It's all his faulth. Yes, it is. Damn him.

I spoke to Hulya about Martinez, about what he'd said and done, and as one of the best female Dr. Phils I know, she said that Martinez probably liked me - "like that", but that he was just afraid to commit. Yeah he's afraid to commit and yeah he likes me - not "like that" though. You think?
As I did with all the 1000s boys I've fallen for, I've made an inner list of "reasons why he may/may not like me". Once I get ahead of myself, he'll do something to prove me wrong.

I got an idea! I could set up a false diary and give him the link? Please stop this horrid thinking, I must be an idiot.

Tonight I think I'm going with Amalie and Leah to a real Dr. Phil class! Or well... psy...psy.. I can't spell it. The thing where you think a lot about stuff. I'm looking forward to... getting out of this house.

I got a folder from KG about the media production school in Lyngby. It has a journalism line and I'll make 516kroner a week. Still, it doesn't demand good grades and it doesn't give you a graduation diploma. I'm doubting, you see. What do I want?

Monday, January 24

The sweetest thing happened between Mehmet and me today. In the computer room he asked me "How do you say 'kon' in English?"
Now, in Danish 'kon' can mean both pretty and sex.
"Pretty." I said. He looked what so ever confused.
"No, no" he then said, "I mean... I'm a boy and you're a girl."
"Ooohh... Sex!"
And he then started giggling like a little school girl. Or was that me? I swear. I have to get drunk with him and a toilet. I won't regret it.

Also, did you know, that if you open this website at the school, you get a warning message about pornographic context? That's wild.

I have loadsa homework to do, really. But I'm going to workout with Bjanka in a minute.

Oh, while Martinez tried to find my diary on google, hehe, he wrote "his charming accent" in the box. I was laughing my ass off, as he was convinced I had that written somewhere in here. Kasper kept saying, "I could have gotten the link out of Andreas when he was drunk". My thoughts? "No, cause then Andreas would have been a girl from the waist down now."

Did I forget to mention how very goodlooking Mehmet is?

Oh oh oh, while Martinez was doing another one of his me-sucking-Pommers-noodle drawings on the computer, Mehmet came by. Martinez then shut down the window saying "I'm doing it for you."
Like, how confusing/sweet is that guy?

I feel great. I also talk too much.
I should have blown Pommer before!

Seriously, Martinez has sunk to the level I once wanted him to be at. He's volunteered to "let me give him a blowjob" - he even wants to read this diary now! I let him read my messages between Pommer and I, so now he's got it confirmed. He's trying to use it against me, to blackmail me, to get this link out of me. First I considered it. But I know I can't give it to him. He won't treat it with respect and it'll be a fatal disaster if he found out - well, everything.

Today.. Wow. From the A-class we were only 6. Martinez, Morten, Lino, Kasper, Ghadir and me. Martinez immediately started teasing me with Pommer. I denied as I promised I would, but still I couldn't help but laugh at his stupidity.. and jealousy.

He has never spoken to me that much before, as he did today. He got thrown out of math class because we were talking too much! And it's RYAN who's our teacher!

During the last class (where I by the way only got 10 for my essay..!) he was really desperate. He started stealing my mobile, and then he wanted to read my diary. He couldn't give me a good reason to anything. He said that if I didn't give him this link, he'd tell everyone about Pommer.

Let's see. Who knows it?

Camilla P., Michelle, Charlie, Yunus, Lea, Leah, Andreas, Amalie, Hulya, Mikkel, Kasper, Natasia, himself, Martinez and well... that's also enough. What harm will it do? He can't prove anything.

Another thing...

"You actually owe me one." Martinez said, with every piece of his mind on a blowjob. I was completely in shock, I just reminded him of his reason for me not giving him a blowjob. "Well, I couldn't just do it like now or something... It's different because when you're drunk you can't regret it" or something like that.
Half joking, I said "Well then, when's the next time we'll get drunk together?"

He just laughed. I'm serious, what is he thinking?

He was like an electrical hair - sticking to me - on my way home. Talking, pushing, laughing, joking, teasing whatever that boy could do.

Top 5 of things Martinez cannot read:
  1. I got a great suspicion that Martinez is actually jealous. Just like he was when Hulya said I had a boyfriend.
  2. I know I promised you that I would get over Martinez. I know I said I was over Martinez. It tortures me to admit this to myself and to you (cause I know every single one of you wants me to forget about him) but I'm not 100% over him.
  3. The following of: Let's pretend that this is Martinez, and that he is sitting in front of me. Everything I say to him won't leave this room, and he's forced to listen. What would I say?
  4. When I was done talking to Rikke, Hulya pushed me aside and told me, that she'd told Martinez that it was my BOYFRIEND who had called. Martinez had said "She's got a boyfriend?" and then he'd looked at me, and had gone all quiet.
  5. Last night I went to the gasstation with Lea from my class. I told her about my feelings towards Martinez, how I felt, how I thought and what I wanted from him. She was actually very, very helpfull. We talked it through, and it was really nice. We went back to my place, because she had to borrow a DVD. We saw that Martinez was online. Lea started writing him, telling him that she was another Lea, my friend from boarding school, who lived in Broenshoej.
I told him that the only way he could get to view the diary, was if I could be there while he read it. And we all know that's not going to happen, so... Tomorrow, he'll kill me with his teasings.

Sunday, January 23

One more thing before I go to bed with the son of Dr. Phil.

For an entire week, I haven't been snooping around the kitchen, eating any of the chocolate, candy, sugarlumps, mayo, nuts or popcorn that's been free for me to grab. An entire week! I haven't even been feeling "overly" tempted.

Of course, go figure, my mum couldn't have cared less. But I am proud of it. In my own little world.
I'm not that tired, for the first time since Tuesday, and yet, I wish I was. I really wish I was. I'm so bored. I'm ready to go to bed, but it's only 9.30, and I can't possible fall asleep now. What is a girl to do? Write her diary.

I don't know how I feel about Martinez anymore. He keeps writing me and that makes me smile a bit. Lea and I agreed that he might be more immature than we really think he is. Afraid of commitment and all that stuff. I wish he would tell me that and I wish he'd open up more. Who am I kidding? He's forgotten about me the second we leave the school. I won't have forgotten about him. I'll probably still be obsessing about him at that time, and do everything in my power to remind him of me. Then I'll slowly let him slip away, say hi to him at very rare occasions, and then at last completely forget about him. When I then see him, I'll wrinkle my forehead and think back. I'll realise that he hasn't moved a bit from where he was then to where he is now. Then I'll smile at him, say "Hi Martinez" and walk past him, shaking my tiny Miss Universe 2015 ASS and make him sink to the ground, where he'll drown in his own mixture of snot and tears he's been crying, because he blew his chance when he had it.

Where was I?

I spoke to Merete... I'm sad that we may never be that close again. I was so stupid letting her go, cause she really was a good, good friend. Now we'll talk talk every once in a while about the highlights of the week or month. Things will never be the same again.

15 minutes has passed now. I write too fast.

Saturday, January 22

This is Pommer.
A series of pictures has arrived from the almighty Tobias!

I call this: "Though I live here, I'm still a picture-snapping tourist by heart."
What I think: Great, but what is it?
Conclusion: It's raining in Denmark, but the sun will always shine - somewhere else.

I call this: "Dubai is also great at night."
What I think: So what, so is Berlin.
Conclusion: In dark, all cats look the same.

I call this: "Car I'm too young to drive in."
What I think: Great, but yellow.
Conclusion: He may be 19, but he's too young to drive a car with only two doors.

I call this: "Vegetables have feelings."
What I think: The cucumber gives me dirty thoughts.
Conclusion: Tobias is weird.

I call this: "Tomatoes must die."
What I think: Tobias has way too much time on his hands.
Conclusion: It's obvious that tomatoes must bleed ketchup.

I call this: "Red bull must die."
What I think: ... better that than Romeo!
Conclusion: My brother is a homocidal maniac. Run!

I call this: "Tobias is a psycho."
What I think: I have to remember to put all dangerous objects away, once he comes to visit.
Conclusion: No more red bull for Tobias.

I call this: "Headache sucks."
What I think: Now my head hurts again.
Conclusion: Though he has too much time on his hands, he's very creative.

I call this: "To mock my sister."
What I think: He knows I hate ketchup and I have bad luck in love.
Conclusion: Bastard.

I call this: "I may live here, but I can still get lost somewhere in the dessert."
What I think: What the hell was he doing in the dessert??
Conclusion: He has too much time on his hands.

... But I still care for him.
What have I been doing the last couple of days?

Friday I went to the movies with my dad. He is really the favourite dad in the world, I love him dearly. He's really cool, and we just speak perfectly. He's also funny. He's the perfect dad. Anyways, we went to see "Ladder 49" and John Travolta was amazing... the whole movie was great. All in all, it was a great night. I called Lea* on the way home to tell her the entire truth about Pommer and I.

She deserved to know, as she'd always and always will tell me all about her life - the truth. She hadn't believe Natasia when she'd said it. I got two "he's desperate" from people. Nice to know. Thank you. Nah, I know it didn't mean anything to him, and it's not like I'm proud of it or anything. Proud of having moved on to another stage of my life, yeah, and proud of having come over my socalled fear-of-the-dark-side, but not proud of having done it with Pommer. I'll post a picture of him later... Not that that will make me more proud. He's really never done anything to me, but I've heard tons of bad stories about him - almost scary stories. I'll just get over it. It'll all be forgotten on Monday.

I visited Lea* today. She was ill, coughing all the time. I brought her some candy, chips and chicken noodle soup, and we had a laugh. She's such a great girl. She's matured since she got Kenneth. I'm so happy for her!

She told me about Natasia and Mikkel, who've been being girlfriend/boyfriend for 5 months now. She told me that they never talk to each other, never touch each other, ignores each other at school, etc., and they're never together in their spare time. I was shocked. They look so cute together. Are they really so immature? Or are they just not ready for a relationsship? Poor Natasia, she deserves so much better.

This morning, I also went spinning with Amalie and Ida. It really was fun! They looked so lost and confused on their little bikes, but it was great to be with them outside of school. Amalie is so nice, I really like her. Oh, and she too knows about Pommer. Gee, I wonder who told her?

LasseFrom just called me!
me: hi.
him: It's from... are you stopping by a shop?
me: I'm not even coming tonight.
him: then it doesn't matter.
me: say hi to everybody.
him: bye.
We are so meant to be, I tell ya. :p

Oh, where was I? I also spoke to LasseFrom today on MSN... We're throwing a TSE party together, it's gonna be great. In the same room we held party for our school. "Hi Lasse, oh look at that tiny room, let's go inthere... *evil laughter*"

Okay, so I'm still a bit ill. My throat, neck and ears hurt.. I drown myself in Vicks bon-bons, but it doesn't help. I get the feeling I'll be posting more of bigbrother's pictures in a bit. Enjoy!

Introducing my two beautiful friends... Amalie and Leah.

Friday, January 21

So guys.

I got a message from Pommer. It said "Hi. What did we do tuesday night? I was drunk and I forgot."

I then responded him, "Hi Pommer. Oh, we had such a good time. Jokin. It was "only" a little handjob, blowjob and kissing. Are we denying everything?"

He replied, "I think Martinez and Yondi knows, but we'll still deny everything. P.S You're good."

I was then wondering, "I'm good at what? Yes, we'll deny."

Him, "Blowjobs, you know. You've never tried it before?"

Aaaaaand me, "I thought you didn't remember anything, Pommer! No, never tried it before."

At last, "I do remember a bit, I just didn't want to admit it. It just doesn't make sense that you haven't tried it before !"

To finish, I wrote, "Must have watched too much porn."

And that was the end of our conversation. You may now silently judge me, as long as you keep your mouths shut. Thank you.

Thursday, January 20

Damn. Ida just wrote me that since Lea is ill, Piccadilly is cancelled. Yet again, I refuse to stay home tomorrow. My mother is also ill and desperate to talk, and I do not feel like talking. And I don't feel like staying home. Damn. I can't even afford to visit Mette! I would if I could, though. I refuse to go to P.Ps and Lyngbyes again. I'll just call people and that's not good.
I'm still tired. I slept 6 hours last night, and 3-4 hours just now. I skipped two spinning classes already, because I feel so weak in my body.

Anyways, as I wrote last night, I got a great suspicion that Martinez is actually jealous. Just like he was when Hulya said I had a boyfriend. He spoke to me on MSN all day yesterday, teasing me about Pommer. By the way, the rumours are true, I was with him at the party. Moving on. He kept writing me, and you know what? He also turned serious. He thought David was my ex-boyfriend, he mentioned an earlier joke we'd made, I mean, he even said goodbye when he left. At school today, he didn't tease me. He's still gorgeous. But I do think I moved on a tiny bit. He bores me.

My mum said to me today, "Why are you going to spend your life saving people?"

She was reffering to James Davolt II, whom I told her a bit about. He shares the birthday of Brian McFadden, April 12th, he's 23 years old and he's on death row in Florence, USA. I accidentially fell over a write-a-prisoner-website, and trembled upon his profile. I don't know why, but I did feel an urge to write him. I just want him to be entertained. I feel so sorry for him. Should I write him an encouraging letter?

Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with my dad to see "Ladder 49" with the almighty John Travolta. Afterwards I'm visiting Ida* and then we're going to Piccadilly, I think. I have nothing to wear.

Wednesday, January 19

I like Martinez best when he's jealous.
Andreas says I cry too much. Do I?

I must sleep now. NOW!

I can't.

I haven't slept for 35 hours.

Funny thing is, tonight at school, we have to look active. Hah!

I will sleep now... ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz...
Then it happened. What I had feared. "What you fear, you create" someone once said. It was the sole reason for me not to show this diary to Leah or Andreas. "What?" you're thinking, yes, I can hear it. But I cannot tell you.
One day, yes, but not right now. It's rare I post personal messages in my diary, because, well, it's for my own purpose and so on and so on, but: everyone who's name is not Leah or Andreas can send me a mail to find out what happened.
Hulya and I threw the school party last night. I thought no one was going to show, apart from those who felt sorry for us. But many people showed up, well, and just the right people. Then that thing happened.
It was all a laugh, and yeah, well, we had fun. I honestly don't know what else to say. Martinez was... not important and Mehmet didn't show up. I found out that Jan is damn funny when he's drunk. I think we pretty much agreed that we could turn back time with his 129 dollar watch from USA. I also got to speak to Michelle and Charlie and uh, their friend (?!) whom I've never spoken to before. They kept saying that I'd been with Pommer - the little japanese/chinese/corean guy...! So anyways.

Sunday, January 16

I'm tired. I'm tired of having to think all the time and I'm tired of always dealing with stuff normal girls has to deal with. I'm tired of thinking about last Friday and what every individual thinks of me now. I'm tired of worrying about the money I don't have, and I'm tired of thinking about the new ways I can ask my mum for more. I'm tired of reading Jay's book, because it demands that I have to think about myself and what the hell has happened to me in the past 16 years, that has made me so miserable as I am now. I'm tired of thinking about the mess in my room, I'm tired of thinking about Martinez, Mehmet and Lasse and I'm tired of thinking about how to be the best at everything, when I'm not even bad enough to be the worst. I'm tired of thinking badly about some people, just because it'll make me feel better about myself. I'm tired of thinking and I'm tired of these four walls that makes my thoughts stay where they are. I think weekends are too long, popsongs only cry for pity, my mum is as weak as I am, Jay doesn't understand me and Martinez is a nervous wreck who'll fortunately forget me the second we leave school. Yet, I'm tired of these following words: party, drunk, friends, boredom, fat, exercise, family, westlife, easy, evil and television. I'm tired, for crying out loud. I'm tired of everyone and everything. I just want to be normal. I don't want to read a 300paged psychological book just because I eat too much, and I don't want to have to think back to when I was with my grandmother, knowing that she was a part of what I am today.
I just want to have fun and relax. It's difficult. Allow myself to drown in my own selfpity, thank you.

Saturday, January 15

I guess I can't sneak my way out of telling you about last night. So.. I got drunk. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.. Well, not during the drunkness, but afterwards - now - when I think back on all the people I called. Damn it.
Mehmet -> That was probably the worst. I remember having said to him, that I wanted to go to the bathroom with him some more, because I'd really enjoyed it. I don't remember what he'd responded.
Andreas -> God, I don't remember what I said to him. Apparently, I left a message on his answering machine. I really don't remember it.
Peter -> Oh, lord. I had said to him that I wanted to suck his bigtoe. I also said, "Peter, I have so much respect for you!" like a thousand times.
Martinez -> It had seemed extremely logical to call him 8 times. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember that he got angry or upset or something like that. He even gave Lars the phone one time, and he also put me in his pocket (or so I believe). I hope he doesn't remember it.
Lea -> I called Lea. Fortunately, she quickly hung up, for my own good, I think.
LasseFrom -> I don't remember anything. I don't think he was happy.
Casper Jensen -> I don't think he ever realised who I was. Phew.
Spetslai -> Ohhhhhhhhhhh, he was with Line, whom I also spoke to. I really don't know what went on there.
Birk -> I called Birk and told him that I'd always found him very, very nice and sweet. He was with Dyrehauge... I also got to talk to her.
Magnus -> Fortunately, he didn't have time to talk. Thank GOD! On the other hand, he's just written me at MSN... He'll let me know when the next party comes..!?
I tried calling Mette & Naja, but they didn't pick up. I should be thankful. Anyways. That was it. Not that bad. When I'm drunk I get very honest and very willing to tell people what's on my mind. I also get incabable of walking to the bathroom. I crawl. Tonight I'm going to the movies with Ida. Long time, no see.

Friday, January 14

This girl's got class, ladies and gentlemen. Fucking 9 in oral German.

Thursday, January 13

Okay, I'm not feeling my very best right now. I don't really know why. I think it's as we get closer to Saturday night, and I get into my usual why-don't-I-have-a-freakin-life-period. I have great friends, I have the best friends I could ask for - in all ages, shapes, races, etc. etc - yet, in the weekends, we all go seperate ways. For example, Lea has Kenneth, Hulya has her family, Rikke has her... whatever, Martinez has his 10.000 friends, Leah has her Amalie, Andreas has his computer-something-LAN-CS-whatever, Naja has her something and so on and so on. I'm left alone, doomed to watch... cartoons... with my mum and sister... saturday night! It tortures me to say so, cause I hate being home at the moment. I hate living with my mother right now, and I hate not being able to loosen up and just have freakin' fun in the weekends. I hate being so locked up, that the best guy I can find is called Martinez, whos favourite word is a female bodypart. I refuse to stay home this next Saturday. My emergency plan: Learn how to play Counter Strike. Go with Andreas to LAN party. First priority right now, must be Lea, who said she'd visit me if she didn't have to be with Kenneth. Second is going to Lise's place. All I know is that I will not stay home. I won't! But what the heck am I to do then?

I hate Sandra Bullock.

I have my oral German exam tomorrow. I can't study. I haven't studied. I'll do it in school tomorrow, I have to. I can't concentrate.

Oh, you want to know something you will forever be able to hold against me? I just recieved a book today, that I ordered. It's called "The Ultimate Weight Solution For Teens" and it's written by.. Guess who... Jay McGraw. You'll never believe who's son that is. Dr. Phil. I rest my case - I will NOT stay home saturday night.

Andreas, you must help me!

My mum will be home at 3 tomorrow already. Friday night is bad enough. I can't do friday night either. HELP someone HELP everyone!

And wish me Viel Gluck tomorrow.

1. This is Seher on the ferry or in the bus or something like that. Well, all I know is that it's Seher. You actually don't need to know more. 2 Oh, gee, it's still Seher. I still don't know where. 3. This is Amalie and.. Seher! I can't even imagine where they would pull such faces. Anyways. Amalie looks gorgeous. 4. Hulya bist mude. She's so nice, it was taken a Thursday in front of the pretty little waterfall in Berlin. 5. This is us in a record store in Berlin. Actually, it's the only record store we could find. I think it's Amalie who's taking the picture, cause Leah was too busy finding records by hairy swedish men. 6. This is Amalie and Leah on the backseat of a bus in Berlin. No need to say more. We caught them before it got dirty, thank god. 7. Very weird photo. It's Hulya and Seher at "Unter Den Linden". 8. Mehmet and Lino standing up against the wall. The Wall. 9. Amalie at the wall.10. Kasper, Stefanie and me by the wall. 11.Hulya at the Wall. 12. This is a list over signs they used to use to identify people's reasons for being in the concentration camps. F. ex you could be marked as being "gay", "jewish" or "politically captured". 13.... And since Amalie is neither, she feels blessed... ?! 14. A car in which 16 people escaped. 15. Leah. End of discussion. 16. Amalie and Hulya at the mall (mall, not wall) 17. THE girls of BERLIN! From left to right: Leah, Amalie, Hulya and Seher. 18. Leah and Amalie. Yes. 19. I took the boys from behind. 20. Hulya and Seher at Ferneturn or something like that. 21. Girls making their beds. I miss it.

Finally, Kasper and Martinez. Martinez looked so funny with my MP3player.

Honestly? It's not my favourite picture. There's no contrast. It's boring. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I look like... I'm going to burst?
I can't help but think this looks like some kind of commercial add. The colours and the fake smile. Buy my bra. It's really great.
I'm surprised. Can't you see?
I like this picture. I should become professional.
Could be worse. Actually, it's one of my favourites.
Baaaaaaaaaad one.
(just ignore this one)

This is my bigbrother who's taken this picture!

Makes me so proud. These pictures are fantastic. I call these two "roses, cause I can't find any fucking camels".

I know I promised you that I would get over Martinez. I know I said I was over Martinez. It tortures me to admit this to myself and to you (cause I know every single one of you wants me to forget about him) but I'm not 100% over him. The little bit of fire I had inside of me has become a bit bigger, since last night. See, I came up with a theory.
Background story: On the ferry on my way back to Denmark from the Germany trip, I asked the boys (Lino, Mehmet & Martinez) about blowjobs - the question was, "if your female friend wanted to give you a blowjob, would you let her, and would it give her more respect from your side?"
Mehmet and Lino agreed that she'd get tons of respect, whereas Martinez put on his serious mask and said, that he'd say no, cause if she did give him a blowjob, everything would be ruined between them.

So last night, it suddenly occured to me - I was never allowed to give him a blowjob. WAS there something between us to ruin? If not - why couldn't I have given him one?

I asked him that question.

He said, "Was I just supposed to visit you, get a blowjob and then take off? What about the next day in school? Should I just pretend like it didn't happen?"

To be frank, I never thought that far. It pained me that Martinez had actually given something a lot more thought than me. I then changed the subject, cause we were kinda lost, both of us. I asked him what kind of friend I was. What kind of friends we were. After him not knowing how to express himself, he told me that I was "a good friend to talk to", which is better than nothing. Those 11 minutes of being serious became too much for the poor guys, and he changed the subject to - guess what - boobs. We chatted a bit back and forward about why and why not he should and shouldn't see a picture of me naked. When I mentioned words like "dignity" and "selfesteem" he tried to make me jealous - it didn't work, so I called him "rugrat" seconds before I blocked him and went offline.

Anyways. It was the him-being-nice-part you should focus on. He was being nice to me.

I saw Andreas in Netto today. He looked so focused on whatever he was doing. Hehe.

While chatting to Rikke last night over webcam, I took some pictures of myself... Yeah, so, I'm selfish? You're the one reading another person's diary. Let's agree that we're both loosers in that case.

I'll post the pictures in a bit.

Wednesday, January 12

Let's pretend that this is Martinez, and that he is sitting in front of me. Everything I say to him won't leave this room, and he's forced to listen. What would I say?
"Hi Martinez. Sorry to have brought you into this situation, but you have to listen to what I have to say. I understand that me liking you is not a part of your planned identity, and that feelings is not a term you're that familiar with. Perhaps, it's like Hulya said. That you're afraid of making a commitment. Of course, you'll have to like the person to commit yourself to her, so that leaves me out of the picture, but that doesn't really matter. See, I don't care if you're scared of something or whatever, cause this isn't about you, it's about us. It's about how you think you can allow yourself to act in front of me. It's about the way you've completely misscomprehended this whole situation. I'm not in love with you. All my songs aren't about you. I'd never die for you. Perhaps I wouldn't even be your shoulder to cry on, if we were even the last two people on earth. I have just as much difficulties understanding my own feelings and actions as you, and that makes us alike. Just know, that if you once wonder why no one cares about you, there'll always be a tiny flame of hot Martinez-love burning inside of me. Pour some gasoline on it, and it'll explode. Till then, when you're desperate and lonely, I'll be waiting and lighting fires for other guys. I'll forget about you, slowly, but that's not your award. Let it be your punishment. You're the guy I've forgotten about the fastest. May your butthole be cracked and your dick superglued to your balls. Goodbye."

Then I'd leave and cry the second he couldn't see me.

"We can't relate
To what you think you know
And you create
The problems that will never
Go away

You made it
You played it
Your shit is overrated
You made it
You played it
Your shit is overrated"
Overrated - Three Days Grace

I went to the movies today to see Blade ||| with Naja. It was a load of fun. I drank some coca cola light and ate some M&Ms. It could have been worse. Tomorrow I'm doing spinning twice - I really do hope so.

Tuesday, January 11

My bigbrother has a talent of some sort. I still haven't figured out yet, but here's a pretty good offer on what it might be. It's a serie, I like to call "Photos of non important things, but with purdy colors".

I call this "The irony of living alone". When my bigbrother lived in my dads and his mums appartment he always lost his keys. Or was it me who sometimes hid them? Anyways. Now he'll have a picture to remember how they look like - if he forgets that as well.

My guess is that this is money. So he's probably called this "A picture I took to tease my sister, cause she can't afford anyting". That's fair enough. He's the one who's buying me birthday/christmas presents for the 17th february.

A building. I swear, that's all I know.

Selv-portrait? He does look horrid in the mornings. Hehe. Nah. I like this picture. It gives me a feeling that I should be damn glad that there don't excist gigantic flies.

This looks okay. Not my favourite.

This, on the other hand, deserves my grattitude. I love this so much. It's so beautiful and so perfect. I love it.

And at last, my favourite of them all. I love this image so much, because it portraits a rose that's in all its bloom, but still it looks alone and forgotten. The spotlight placed upon it - it's like it's getting encuraged. Oh, what do I know.

I'm proud of my brother.