Friday, December 31

+ The truth is that you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt +
Do I worship too much?
I wanted to leave 2004 with one last post in my diary. I'll be back next year. Which is in about 8 hours, so I guess you'll live. I'm a bit ill, not that bad. I went to Blockbuster with my sister to rent some movies. That I rented the movie "Evil" has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that we have to read the entire book in danish class. Aherm. Anywyas, I'm not thinking about Martinez right now. It's a bit relaxing actually, not having anyone to obsess about.
So tonight I'm relaxing again.
I had a whole lot to write about yesterday, actually, about my selfpity and stuff, but don't worry, I'll be influenced again soon. My mum will buy me the book by Jay McGraw (yes, it' s Dr. Phils son.) about weight loss. Will it do wonders?

Resume of 2004:
January - December : Obsession with Lasse
September - December : Obsession with Martinez

Predictions of 2005:
January - December : Still obsessing over Martinez
September - ? : Obsession with some guy on my new education-place (HF, Gymnasium..?)

Ahh well. Gud bevare Danmark.

Wednesday, December 29

A life without Martinez. What is this journal without Martinez, really? No, don't worry, I'm fine without him on my mind all the time. Besides, I think he's blocked me on MSN. That, or he's never online. I really don't care. I went to the movies with Naja today, to watch "Ocean's Twelve". What can I say, other than brilliant?
The whole day was amazing, so I can't complain. My brother is back in town, and I hope to see him one day. If I know him well, he'll forget it, or disappoint me in some way. Hell, he is my brother. If I was to trust him, we wouldn't be related.
Nothing else is happening right now.

Friday, December 24

I wrote this Christmas eve to Mark Feehily.



"Dear Mark,

I recently found out that I'm pathetic. I realised that last night, when my old AND current crush had decided to treat me like shit. Oh, and that was after I had sent them the silly lovesongs I'd written about them.
It's christmas eve, and because I'm not sleepy, I'm watching The Turnaround Tour DVD I just got.
Since I'm not that fond of the ratpack thing you got, this is the first time for weeks I've proberly listening to you.
It makes me feel less pathetic. Probably because I get reminded of the way I felt about myself at your concert and outfront waiting to get in - which was 4 days last year. I don't think you can imagine how it is. The whole athmosphere, the other amazing fans, the outdoor sleeping - well, everything is just so great when you visit Denmark.
To be honest, I think I would survive without seeing you in concert next year - mostly because it's in Horsens and it's expensive getting there, but also because it'll effect my voice, health, school, work and fitness for more than a week before and after.
- But I would not miss it for the world. My confidence have dropped about 40-50% this year, and while I wait in front of the arena in Copenhagen, I get so much confidence - cause I'm judged by my personality, not my body.
You said recently that you found it amazing how you could change someone's life.
I thin kyou helped save mine. Thanks for that. I know how hard it is to take crititism (especially after last night) and I want you to know, that I cannot find a single bit about you that I would change.
When you got a muscular body, I think you're utterly sexy, but when you got a chubby phase, I think you're the best looking guy in the... world?
Seriously.
Oh, and also, you should know that I always supported you throughout your hairdos. Blonde, punk, bald, spikey, bearded.. although the baldness can be the hardest to take.
I love you and your music.
Thanks.
Love,
* * * * *"

Everything went wrong last night. I don't feel like talking about it in details. I told Martinez that I was a bit crazy about him. He knew. And that was kinda it. I was a big baby, a real teenage-slut and I just want to forget about it. I went to bed, but my computer didn't even turn off completely, before my phone rang. When it said "Lasse" on the screen, I couldn't believe my own eyes. He was all "Ohh noo, you have to come online! Now I finally finished the song," etc. etc. etc. I gave up and turned on the computer. He wished me a merry Christmas and said bye. It warmed a bit. I went on MSN and he sent the song he'd recorded to me. My song. I heard it. Sure, he's not Feehily, but it was his effort and his voice. Do you think it's weird singing about your own mistake?
It was nice, and I liked the melody. He says he'll play it with his band after the vacation. I can't remember if Carry was planning on singing it as well. No, wait, that was the song about Martinez. What would I do without those two fools to help me get miserable and write songs?

Thursday, December 23

And that was when I realised that I was over him. Lasse was no longer the person I'd cry over. He wasn't worth my tears. He hadn't changed a bit from the day I met him, till this day today, where I bared myself once again, and let him step on me again.
It started when I'd finished a song I found last night in my calendar. It was about Lasse.. Actually, this is it:

Tears are falling, but I'm not crying, I swear,
Its not like you promised me you'd actually be there,
Just go ahead and live your life,
I'm sure I'm gonna be alright,
You can tear my heart and I won't fall apart,
I was hurt from the start,
But at least I won't be cryin,
Crying over you

I'm smiling, but I don't think you see,
Do you really see what's good about me?
I'm so tired of knocking on your door,
Perfectly aware you're gonna hurt me some more,
When your brown eyes tell me I should stop pretending,
I let my tears fall, and pray for a happy ending

Don't tell me what to do,
If you can't follow through,
Don't tell me what to say,
If it doesn't matter anyway

This is my song and I'll write what I want,
You can't make a genious of a girl who's blonde,
Not gonna change a thing, for a moments appreciation,
I want to be myself, and not your creation,
Who do you really want, cause I'm sure it's not me,
I'm done with being who you want me to be

Anyways, I thought to myself that I should write Lasse. He should see it. Maybe, silently he would understand and get off my back. Somehow I managed to be the one who was right, and still feel like the biggest fool in the world. He read the song. Told me he'd do the music and melody. And then he said to me, that he didn't quite understand -> that he'd never tried to make me another person. How can one person honestly assume that the world is spinning around him? It was true. But if Lasse hadn't recognised any of the things in the text, he'd never have assumed it. Anyways. I asked him what made him think it was about him. He outlined the first line, "It's not like you promised you'd actually be there". If I was him, I'd have pointed out the brown eyes. I guess he knew he hadn't been there. I told him that people promised me that every day, so that didn't point him out. He just said okay... Followed by a huge correction of my english in one sentence. You do not correct my english, if you are not my teacher. But he did.
Then I told him that it was about him, but I wrote it a long time ago. He said okay.
I wrote Martinez, then. I asked him if he knew how it felt to realise that the one you cared so much for, turned out to be a prick. He was a bit cold, till he found out I wasn't talking about him. Then he did absolutely nothing. He spoke about dick and pussy as if he... didn't care.
I didn't cry when I lost Lasse. But I couldn't cope with Martinez as well. I started crying, and I am still. Like the night I told my feelings to Lasse. Martinez said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't be talking to me about this. I'm not good at it."
And I told him honestly, "Right now there's no one else to talk to."
And he kept on going with his charming words. Fuck, what a bastard. Lea told me he was sensitive. I mean, for litterally crying out loud, he's sensitive and... friendly.. to everyone but me. Maybe he's not as I thought. Damn it, where's Andreas when you need him?

Wednesday, December 22

I've thought about it a lot lately. I've concidered the pros and cons. I've slept on it. I came to the conclusion NOT to show this blog to Andreas. So.. after I gave him the link, I just awaited his comments. He's the only guy, apart from Dirk (who doesn't really count as a guy) who's seen it. The only one from my class who's seen it. Probably, the only one who knows also knows Martinez, who now also knows my very personal thoughts. I don't know what I expected from him. I guess I just thought he'd be dead shocked that I have a crush on Martinez, that he'd complain that it was in english and that he'd just forget about it. I don't even know why I showed it to him. You know what he wrote? He said that it was beautiful. That just flipped my whole image of me being a spoiled, premenstrual, immature teenager. Is it beautiful? Obsession with some kid from school - can that be beautiful? I never, ever thought of it like that. Perhaps it's true. Perhaps it is beautiful. And who am I to ruin that by acting like a jerk in front of Martinez? I'll have to be myself.
Andreas is so sweet, so nice and so deep. Him and Martinez should get a baby together. If I paired that baby with Martinez and my baby, we'd have the perfect couple. Wow. Imagine. Anyways. I wish I could fall for Andreas. He's so nice! He treats me way better than Lasse, Casper, Martinez, Mehmet and Jonas alltogether -> He's everything I wish Martinez also was. Damn, how selfish am I? Anyways, it's not Andreas I've fallen for - which is probably good. I need a friend - a male friend, who can straighten my gigglish girly mind sometimes. He's helping more than Carry, Sophie, Janneke... well, no offense to those girls, I really love them. But he's capable of helping me. And he is. He really is.
Also, I've made a decision. If I one day end up at Martinez' place, without anyone else there, I'll show him this diary. Let him decide, see his reaction. That way, I can't misunderstand him.
So far, I'm just keeping it silent -> trying to be myself. GOD, I gotta start drinking. I have to loosen up. Audi's party has to do me good. Someone get me some vodka. Gonna go exercise tomorrow at 4.

P.S Martinez mooned me (aka flashed his ass) over webcam today.

Tuesday, December 21

Okay - OKAY! We can all relax now. Don't worry. Martinez is alive. He's alive. Thank God. I just informed him of our meeting hours on january 3rd and he responded. Now you can all breathe normally again. Phew.
It's been a while since I last posted. I miss Martinez like hell. I didn't see him today. He left before I arrived at school. Now it's Christmas holidays and I won't see him before next year. Wow, mention a painful thought. Auw. So what can I do? Listen to sobby lovesongs? Am doing that right now. It really, really annoys me. He didn't reply my "goodnight" message last night, and he isn't online on either Arto or messenger. Am I wrong getting nervous?
I'm just obsessed. Last time I wasn't seeing him for long - well, I survived, didn't I? I also almost forgot about him. That's good, isn't it? I mean, the next time I see him, I'm on my way to Germany with him. Good? Yup, that's good.
Oh well. Not so much of an update, is it? I'm planning on making a real website - www. whatever domain i wish for . com and doing it with HTML...

Thursday, December 16

Martinez. Yesterday, we chatted a bit. Mostly because I forced him. He wasn't really anticipating in our regular conversation, and it annoyed me. So...

Me: Arghh, you're like a boxing pillow, I'm just beating and beating, but I never make a hole!
Martinez: Perhaps there already is a hole.
Me: I don't see a hole. Is there a hole?
Martinez: No, there's isn't a hole yet, I think.

I analysed it for hours. What did he mean? Different conclusions:

Boxing pillow = His whole
Me beating = Me flirting
The hole = The key to his heart
~ He thinks I'm flirting too much, because now it's up to him - He's not in love (yet?)

Boxing pillow = His pain barriers
Me beating = me mocking him
The hole = Him feeling pain
~ I'm trying to hurt him, but I can't. He's not feeling pain yet.

Boxing pillow = Boxing pillow
Me beating = me beating
The hole = the hole
~ He doesn't speak in methaphors.

I asked him today, what he meant. He was very, very annoying, as he never really gave me a reply. He just smiled and didn't want to speak about it. He said that he "didn't want to sit there and be all deep", so. I think it's the third option. Oh well.

Saturday, December 11

I feel like crying, and then again, I don't. The ocean of emotions, of not being in love with Johannes, probably being crazy about Martinez, and not wanting to be interested in either of them, is all making me sob, and then again, no. Martinez can go fuck himself, to say it politely. I've been on Arto, the danish chat-site, and I've seen how he's openly flirted with girls in all shapes, sizes, ages and whatever. It annoys me, and it hurts when he writes to them, using words like "sweetie", "darling" and "don't cry, my sweetheart.". I'm the one who needs those words - if he wants to do good, he can use me. No other will have the same feeling, hearing some of his sweet words.
Johannes, you think, who is that?
I've been at Zentropa for a week now, hangin' with the Von Trier crew, hehe. Johannes appeared Tuesday or Wednesday, I think. He's a little guy, my height, blonde spikey hair, goofy looking face and a perfectly normal clothes style. Then he's dead hillarious! He's so funny and always smiling. He's like, what, 20 or something, but he seems so young. I liked him a lot - I am not in love with him, I'm telling ya - this time I mean it for real. So what, I smile when I see him - I almost relax, seeing him - but it all started, when I randomly thought about him - if whether Martinez would be jealous or not, if I started dating Johannes. Long story short, that made my stupid teenagemind wander in its own thoughts, and now this. I'll be over him very, very soon. Monday, to be exact, as that's when I'll see Martinez again. I'm planning on telling him how I feel. My thoughts are this: I don't give a shit what he thinks right now. He can dislike me, if he likes. But if he wants to dislike me, he can dislike me, knowing how I feel. Just for the good ol' sake of it.
Wednesday I'm going back to Zentropa to see "Mandalay" by Von Trier. I'll most likely see Johannes, and if not - I'll never see him again, simple as that. I hope I see him. I want more of him.
I have a busy week ahead of me, but I'll try to write when I can. Afterall, this is what comforts me. I think.

Friday, December 10

Lesson #4: How to say goodmorning to Lars Von Trier without stuttering or speaking Italian.

The whole week has been great, but there's not so much to tell. Instead, I'll show some quotes from "Phantom of the opera" by Susan Kay:

"But people will have been killed!"
"Oh yes..I daresay that's quite likely. It's really quite difficult to be a murderer without killing people from time to time, you know."

"Such a little thing, a kiss...most people don't give it a moment's consideration..they kiss on leaving, they kiss on parting, that simple touching of flesh is taken for granted as a basic human right...I've lived half a century without knowing what it is to be kissed...and I'll never know now.."

Wednesday, December 8

I'm right now reading some of Lise's new story. If it's just me, I don't know, but I'm overwhelming with emotions. The single like, "I'll never give them the satisfaction.", of course taken out of porportion, is just so real and.. emotional. It's a rare story I in some weird way can relate to. She writes like Susan Kay, or well, her writing reminds me of the way "Phantom of the opera" is written. It gives me goosebumbs.
I won. Martinez unblocked me before I unblocked him! This is the conversation we had, which caused the blocking-party about a week ago:

[18:28:32] Martinez: does my nick have colours in it?
[18:28:42] Me: ewwwww yeah! +o(
[18:29:18] Martinez: ok
[18:30:04] Martinez: there
[18:30:39] Me: w...ow... :S
[18:30:48] Me: du bist dick!
[18:30:56] Martinez: :S
[18:31:02] Martinez: you sound dangerous
[18:31:28] Me: das ist fordi du hören rammstein. du denkt das alles deutches menschen bist farlig.
[18:31:52] Martinez: awhat?
[18:32:03] Me: nicht-ing..
[18:32:27] Martinez: is it you who's writing?
[18:32:30] Me: yes!
[18:32:37] Martinez: do you have your period?
[18:32:42] Me: yes, that too.
[18:32:55] Martinez: ok.... im gonna unblock you when you're done.
[18:33:01] Martinez is now Offline

Okay, so he has had me blocked for a week, and now I'm unblocked. I rule. I really do.

Sunday, December 5

I feel bad about not introducing my little friend to you. Here he is: Tawator

And he wrote me back, having taken a bit of my advice.

" what the fuck u think urself doing here in da face-pic bitch u think u gonna have a cute smart chat
patener u r just a vulgur street motherfucker"


So I responded:

"You're getting better, Tawator. I mean, you've gone off the capital letters. You still need the commas and dots. So:

"What the fuck {do} you think you're doing here in face-pic, bitch. Do you think you are going to have a cute, smart chat, patener {what IS that?}. You are just a vulgAr street motherfucker."

That is how it's supposed to be written. It's funny how you are so much older than me, but still how your brain must be the size of a peanut. Not that you're ugly or anything. You're probably a very beautiful person, and you should be glad, cause your immature way of being, should really have something to compensate with.

How can you have a cute chat? A cute chat? Huh?

Love,
Me"

Okay then, this is getting fun.

"Really Thats Good Answer My Little Donkey Fuck You And Fuck all Of Ur Country Execpt my Brother
Bitch And I u enter My country I will Kick U In ur Ass .....I think i don`t Do Thing to say That u
are complex Baby Kiss my ass in the Future _|_ wish to set on this and all of ur Family Little
stupied girl Fuck Off"


And I got him a good respond:

"Hi Tawator,

Okay, let's take that one from the top, shall we.

"Really, that is a good answer, my little donkey. Fuck you and your country - except my brother, bitch. And IF you enter my country, I will kick your ass. I think I don't have to say that you are a complex. Baby, kiss my ass in the future. I wish to send on this and to all of your family, you little stupid girl: Fuck off."

I think that was what you tried to say, but just couldn't find the time, brains nor effort in your head to put it proberly together. You see, you have to learn the comma and dot-rules before you start using such large email machines as face-pic.com. Oh and the capital letters? What's the rules again?
Capital letters are used when you start a sentence after a dot (NOT after a comma).
By the way, a comma is this: ","
Just so you know that now. It's the buttom beside the dot and the M on your keyboard.
Capital letters are used to signify a name - which can be the name of a person or a place. When you say "my little donkey" it can't be capital, cause donkey isn't a name.
Comma is very important. You say "Exept my brother bitch" - it sounds to me like you call your brother a bitch, which I don't think you do. You don't kick me in the ass. You kick my ass. If you kicked me in the ass, well, it would look pretty ugly.
Complex is a building in which you live. I don't know how many people live inside of me, but I hope it doesn't make me a complex.
You still needed the "Hello " and the "Love, Tawator", but hey - none of us are perfect.
You noticed how I managed to not use any swearwords whatsoever? Hm. Interesting. I guess I just don't think you're worth it. Have a nice day.
- me"

Saturday, December 4

I completely spazzed out. A guy at face-pic.com got all my baggage I'd gathered (or well, most of it.) throughout the week. His mail sounded:
"Can i Take ur Msn"



And I wasn't up for that. I wrote him:

"No, you can't fucking take my MSN! If you can only manage to scribble down FIVE words, you can AT LEAST bother to write in correct FUCKING english! First of all, the "i" has to be CAPITAL, as that is the rules. "Can" is surprisingly correct, like do'h!!
So now we have "Can I"
So far so good!
"Take", where the fuck did that come from?? TAKE?! You want to take my MSN?! IF you take something, you don't ask! It's called "have"! And it's not with a capital letter! Stupid!!! So now we have
"Can I have"
GOOD! "ur"?! You write 5 words and you can't even bother to add 2 more letters?! How hard is it to write "yo"?!
"Can I have your" I think we've accomplished so far. Good! "Msn"! What the fuck?! It's either "msn" or "MSN"! "Msn" is a name! Try to pronounce it! SO:
"Can I have your MSN" we got. That's just a sentence. That's not a question. If you want an answer to that question, you better make it clear that it's a question and PUT ON A QUESTION MARK!
SO now we have a:

"Can I have your MSN?"

And to add some humanity, we could add:

"Hello,
How are you?
I liked reading your profile and I'd like to get to know you.
Can I have your MSN, please?
Love
Who-cares."

If you EVER want to get to know a girl with taste, humor or just a sense of decency, don't EVER fuck up the words.

And no you can't have my MSN.

- S."

Lesson #3: It's just a couch.
What the hell makes her think Laura needs more attention, respect and comfort than me? My mum - listen to this - my mum actually feels bad that Laura don't get anything (oh, appart from the 4-5 shitty fifty kroners TV-christmas-calendars) from her. I'm giving Laura my own personalised compliment christmas calendar. Ohhh, but noo, as Laura has made one for her an one for me, my mum feels bad that - oh hell - I don't know any longer. So now my mum is spending her evening personalizing a calendar for Laura to open. And what do I get? Absolutely nothing.
I want to say that my life is shit right now, but it was only yesterday I blurted out the whole 'its just a couch' speech. It is. It's just my youth. It's just my mum. It's not like I'm some starving child in Africa. I got money, I got clothes, I got stuff enough to live. But when it's something I can so easily get - my mum doesn't loose anything by giving me her attention - then why shouldn't it be legal for me to complain? I tell her things. Fuck, I tell her EVERYTHING. Everytime I say something, she stares at me for seconds, which feels like hours, until she finds something else to say, and my thick words just hang in the air, making me feel so stupid and so pathetic. This is wrong. I can feel it's so wrong.

Last night Lise told me that what I had written at x-rated (that her fic was one of the best I've ever read, that she was amazing, etc.) made her feel embarrassed and bad. That was when the whole 'couch'thing came to my mind and I just wanted to scream. Another girl on the boards complained that her friend hadn't notified her on some party. I tried to explain myself, but she wouldn't listen. Noone does. Fuck.

Today, not only did I manage to ignore Lasse sitting on the other side of a window, but I also found out that Rikke thinks she's bisexual. The first thing that came to mind was, "You're not getting attention enough?"
But as she seemed more and more convinced that she was bi, I just let it slip by. She's a dramaqueen, but she's my dramaqueen. I feel normal when I'm with her.

Mette annoys me. I told her to send the freakin' tape this monday, and she hasn't sent it yet. I want to swear and scream at her, but it's not fair that I let my frustrations go out on her.

It's just a couch.

Friday, December 3

Lesson #2: How to degrade yourself to a midgets worth.
Martinez has been on my mind all day. It's weird. Well, it's not weird. I'm just attracted to the poor guy.
I went to spinning this morning with a new teacher, Claus J. It was boring compared to Jacob and especially Morten. But I guess it was good. I'll take tomorrow off and go on Sunday instead, hopefully with Bjanka.
Do I, one day, want to show this diary to Martinez? Will he one day be reading this? *waves* hello Martinez. No, probably a bad idea. He'll think I'm in love, when I'm definitely not. I'm really not. At all. Oh shoot me!

Wednesday, December 1

Happy Birthday Sophie!!
I'm like what? What made me fall for Martinez? Was it his childish and so-yesterday comments? His slim and boney body? The way he treats me like.. a piece of shit? Or was I just temporarity mesmerized? I'm ashamed. To the story - today we had our german preparations. Martinez went to sit beside me, and I was thrilled. Then he just started acting, well, bad, but like he always has. What has gone wrong? Nothing? Or is it my period butting in?
No romantic feelings towards Martinez. That's a good thing. Right? No more hurt. No more pain. Now it actually goes on my nerves, when he writes me at MSN. He wrote me 3 times already! Just because he's got that annoying messenger plug. I 'manipulated' him by clicking him and shutting him down all the time, till he felt superior. Why, oh why?
I remember he said to me today, "Where are you going? Why are you dressed it that pretty clothes?" Then I lied. I said I was going somewhere. I feel like telling him everything. Should I? Absoltely not. I'm so confused. We're on each other's block-lists for a while. He said it was because I had my period, or something. Dunno.
Do I prefer Lasse now? He wrote me last night "Sleep tight, sweetie."
I was so glad. Am I putting Martinez in Lasse's shadow? Probably. But it seems more like I'm placing Lasse in Martinez' shadow. That's why he looks so nice right now. I'm not seeing him on Saturday anyways. He couldn't, and some of the girls couldn't - blah blah - the main thing is, that Lasse couldn't make it. So I'm going to cancell the whole arrangement tomorrow.
I've been neclecting Janneke for a while now. I better go write her.